[miniapple]

Hi, I am female and in my late 20s. I have been in a committed relationship for the past 2.5 years and it looks like it is coming to an end. My boyfriend is miserable. We started to talk about breaking up 3 months ago and the situation has not improved. Throughout our conversations we are painfully honest with each other, we try to identify our problems and compromise on solutions, but if anything the situation has gotten worse... to the point that he actually broke-up with me 4 days ago. I refused to let go and we ended up back together that same day. We have been living together for the past two years, and while I am not the happiest, I am pretty happy with him.
About me: I am originally from Los Angeles, but had to move to NYC for school. I met him 2 months before having to leave NYC and go back to California, but I have stayed in NYC for the past two years, just to be with him. My life in New York is centered around him. I have one friend and a steady job, but my social life depends almost entirely on him and his social circle.
I figured that maybe my lack of a life away from him has changed me as a person. I have become clingy and needy. Lately, I have become more independent, but that still has not help our issues.
About him: He has some past traumatic experiences. His parents got a divorce when he was 18 because of infidelity. His older brother got divorced a year ago, also because of infidelity. His best fried passed away unexpectedly 3 years ago and one of his co-workers committed suicide. My boyfriend is the type of person that feels responsible for everything and everyone. When people he cares about are suffering he truly feels their pain. It is not easy for him to get over the pain and he suffers for a long time.
When we met, I found him to be an excessive drinker. He would be drunk all the time and he would often drink alone. When we started dating I asked him to stop drinking so much and he cut down significantly. Lately, he has told me he was drinking heavily because he wanted to work up the courage to take his own life. He says he is very grateful to me, because meeting me caused him to forget about his pain and made him truly happy for about 6 months.
His Perspective: He has told me that he feels like a very bad person when he is with me. That he feels miserable. He wishes he could make me happy, but his inability to do so hurts him so much. He says I am the best thing that has happen to him and that he feels like he must be a terrible person because he is unable to be happy with a person that is so good. He says he loves me, and that it is because he loves me that he wants to see me happy. He says that he doesn't treat me right. He says my parents don't like him, not because they think he is a bad person, but because my parents don't like the person I have become with him. He basically wants to let go off me because he is not good for me and he wants me to be truly happy.
My perspective: Either what he says is a bunch of bull or its real. I tend to think it is real, bc everything he has said rings true. He told me a week ago that he has sex with me and no longer makes love to me, and that when we kiss or have any kind of physical interaction he no longer feels a connection (this made me sooooo upset I was not expecting to hear that at all). He is not the sweetest boyfriend to me, not like he was in the beginning. Before our break-up talk, he used to curse when we argued and would make me cry at least once a week. The truth is that there are times when he makes me so miserable, but there are times when he makes me so happy too... I stay with him bc to me, our happy times make up for any upsetting moment. He does not respect me, I am aware of that, but what counts to me is that he wants to respect me and he tries. I think that the reason he turned into this sad, grouchy and angry person, is because the depression he had before he met me caught up with him. I don't want to leave him just because he is going through depression. I want to be a good partner to him and stick it out.
4 days ago, when he tried to break-up with me but I didn't let him, we agreed to see a therapist. He agreed to go and contacted a therapist in our area. However, he is going with the idea that the therapist will convince me to move on... he thinks I am ignoring our problems and that I am in denial.
I want us to see a therapist, because I believe that if he can get over his issues, that things will change for us. That he will once again be happy with me. Maybe I am in denial... I don't know... I need some perspective!!
The cherry on top: My younger sister has been in a committed relationship for 3 years and has also lived with her boyfriend for 2 years. She broke up with him 4 days ago, because he was cheating. She is broken right now and she needs me. She also moved from LA to be with her boyfriend, and right now she is living in San Francisco, alone. Because my relationship is on the verge of ending, she suggested I move to San Francisco with her. She guarantees me a job with her employer, so we can be together through our emotional struggle. I love my sister, she is my only sister and I am supposed to look out for her and protect her. What she is going through at this moment really hurts me, and I don't want her to be alone. I talked to my boyfriend, and he says (of course) that things happen for a reason and that this is a sign for me to move on... I am scared because I am thinking he may be right. Ever since he tried to break up with me 4 days ago, he seems to be in the verge of tears. He has become so sad. He doesn't even play his video games anymore. He says that it traumatized him seeing me so upset, that he can't stop thinking about it... That he can't believe how much it hurt him to break-up with me... I can't understand why he is feeling like this... It should be me feeling miserable, but instead I am kinda glad. I am glad to see how much it hurts him because it shows me that he cares and loves me. I am also glad because I am still in his life and now, for sure, we are going to seek help from a therapist. I hope he/she can help him get through his depression, so that we can at least evaluate our relationship itself, not our relationship under the bias influence of his depression. Anyway, because my sister is now coming into the mix, I don't know what to do... should I support my sister from afar and stay with him in the hopes of improvement? Should I listen to him and just go? Please help

[Rose3]

Is it necessary to make a final decision right now? I mean - can you take a pause with some distance? Could you take a vacation for a while, then return to maybe work on things, see how you both are feeling about things?
Your boyfriend's depression and heavy drinking are definitely huge concerns, and that he has spoken of ending his life - very serious, yes, so he needs to seen by professionals, and to keep himself safe. He doesn't need to end his life!
There is happiness.
Hoping for you.

[alwaysrejoice]

All relationships are difficult. This one sounds like a bit too much. That whole "he doesnt make love to you anymore" crap is not acceptable at all. no connection? It's easier said than done but to me it sounds like you could do better. Rose does have a good point about maybe just trying to take a break. Maybe if you had some distance you'd realize you would be just fine without him.

[alliwantislove]

he definetly needs counseling. he needs to better himself maybe distance is what you need. you never know what you got until you lose it. am not saying dont support him and cut all communication with him. it seems like hes lost and the past is catching up with him. time away from each other make help and then see what the future holds