Ok, so I have a family member who clearly has a low self-esteem. I don't think they are trying to be manipulative, but I can't be certain.

But questions keep popping up, such as "Do you think I look too fat?" "Why would anybody like me?" These questions are negative enough, but come up way too often.

But worse are the statements, because I wonder what the intent is behind them. "I'm fat" "Nobody loves me". Are they really just wanting to tell me this? Or do they want me to rush in with the classic "Oh no, you're not fat, you're gorgeous!"

There is that twinge of annoyance in me, for sure. I don't mind reassuring someone going through a tough time, but over and over? If it's not helping them, should I bother? Is it best to reassure this person, or leave them alone?

A part of me also does wonder about manipulation. Can anyone relate to this post? I could use input, this is starting to annoy me.

[OneDown]

It definitely is an esteem-issue, and you're right that it can also be a form of manipulation to try to get a stream of compliments and reasurance out of you. Have you tried reversing the questions onto the person? When they ask if they're too fat, you ask them "well, how do you feel about that?" - it may force them to confront their own feelings that they are trying to avoid by constantly seeking reassurance from you.

Does the other person suffer from any form of mental illness? That would be another story (and a whole new case of cans of worms).

[Leed]

Hi ~ I agree with "OneDown." And this CAN get annoying when it's constant.

Why not suggest some counseling for self-esteem issues? It would certainly do this person some good! And if she refuses, then say "Well, if you don't want help, stop complaining! " Lol That's what I've done with a similar relative. It HAS slowed down some of the comments.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs Lee

[hoping4best]

I've been this sort of person for like forever. I have issues with my self esteem. No, u dont have to reassure that person constantly..but u might be the only person they have whom they can count on. if that person has mental issues, advise him to take professional help also.

[beauflow]

Jiakhan said what I was going to say- I have been a person like that since I can remember.

For me at least, it is not so much of me wanting to hear that I am pretty and so on- no, cuz even that with me will think others are just saying that and the truth is something else of what I create in my head.. I have issues with taking compliments as well from Real Life People that say I look nice-- I think what the hell do you want or what do I look like **** the rest of the time??
Low Self Esteem and so on for me- trust issues, and probably a bit other things that I have not yet to get over from my past... Plus just my self image some days.. If I feel, really bad or feel like a failure this bad self talk and no one loves me for real can get worse. For me it comes and goes as my cycles or when things are going on in different lights.... My brother in my family circle, is one that gets angry with this stuff cuz I think he relates to it in a way but then knows in some cases why I think I am crap or ugly or so on, like it reminds him where it stems from I think.. Well I think that cuz He has brought up- if so and so did not do this, you would not be this way....

My boyfriend really does not like it either, obviously cuz he cares..

I try best to keep myself to limited people with these feelings, people that I trust more, due to it is exposure....

Each person is different, your Family Member could be like me, or your family member similar , or just complete different.

Low Self Esteem though can do a lot of damage as I am sure you know... If it is extreme perhaps therapy, or I am sure there are a lot of websites that could help with self esteem improvements.

In the end it is the person that has to accept themselves for them..

I remember when I was about 19 I actually looked in the mirror and called myself "OK" as in I don't look so bad, I am not a true hideous monster.. I still do it from time to time, to remind my self, I am not as ugly as I have thought or think at times.

[elliemay]

I've definitely been in this situation before and it can really begin to feel like manipulation. Really. It's tough AND it can be very emotionally draining - especially when, in most other situations you really really like this person.

What I found that worked for me (and this person is still a good good friend) is to be totally honest with them at all times. If you don't think something looks good on them, tell them.

OR what totally worked for me was to simply say "You know what really makes you look beautiful? Confidence!"

Now, that statement, I realized, could have gone either way. She easily could have heard something totally the opposite of what I meant, and yes, I had to hear the "you just don't want to hear this from me anymore!" (true, but guilt inducing nonetheless...)

Eventually it worked however. As did the "you know, let's just fake it until we make it" approach.

All the suggestions I made for self-esteem work totally fell on deaf ears, in fact, they just fanned the flames for additional reassurance because she had no self-esteem.

She's happy now. In a good relationship, in a good job and has a lot of good friends and I'm really happy to say that I am still one of them.

[sunrise]

I have a hard time dealing with this kind of person. I think advising therapy or a good self-help book can be a good response to the constant reassurance-seeking. I also begin to feel manipulated after a while. Also, there are some reassurance seekers who also "butter you up" or give lots of compliments to you, like "you look beautiful today," "I like you," etc. A compliment here and there is fine, but the constancy/repetition of it makes me think they want something from me and I wish they would be more direct and just say what. I try to be gracious and accept the compliments and be kind, but I find the clinginess and constant need for reassurance tends to drive me away from them.

melissa, if it was a family member I rarely saw, I would probably just be gracious and pleasant. If they mention being fat, maybe share how you have changed your own diet recently to include more healthy foods, and offer to share a resource with them or a favorite recipe. If it is a family member you have more frequent contact with, perhaps then offer the therapy idea.

[di meliora]

Do your parents know this is going on, melissa.recovering?

Originally Posted by Elan Vital

Do your parents know this is going on, melissa.recovering?

I don't have much contact with my mother at all, and I don't live with my father. This is a family member who I don't see all that often, but it is annoying when it does happen.

Thank you everyone for your replies, lots of good advice here!

[odoyle]

I know it can be annoying, but you can try not to let it bother you. Everyone has annoying habits. Our family, our friends. But for the most part, we put up with them because we love them.

Add me to the list of people with very low self-confidence, and an almost non-existent sense of self-worth. I do not seek constant re-assurance as much as I used to. Mostly because I know it pisses people off, and the fear of doing so just makes me feel even worse. So I tend to bottle my insecurities up, and all that has done is exacerbate my anxiety problems over time.

In my case, it was never about manipulation. It was about trying to feel like I was worth something. Like I wasn't "different" from everyone else, because I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I'm sad to see so many people annoyed by this behavior. I know it must be frustrating, but I think that if more people had to live like this they would better understand.

Probably the best thing you can do is try to be understanding. Don't give them the immediate gratifcation they are asking for. Talk to them. When they ask if they look fat, ask them, why do you think you look fat? Don't pay them a simple compliment like "Not at all, I think you look great". Honestly, those simple compliments don't mean much and pretty much bounce right off us. Instead, say something like "You know, it makes me sad when you always ask me if you look fat. You are very pretty, and I wish you could see that in yourself."

[bertieb]

I understand so much what odoyle says about bottling up and not asking for the reassurance. I look like I have all I could want, I'm thin, my husband tells me how pretty I am and I have a successful job and healthy children. I'm not happy though at all and know there is no reason for it other than surely self-esteem. I'm totally unable to focus and enjoy the wonderful things in my life and how blessed I am compared to the rest of the world. I feel like if my new husband is unhappy with something, I caused it and maybe he doesn't love me or is sorry he married me 2 months ago. I can't stand for people to be upset with me, even my children. I'm not the girl inside I see in the mirror. I don't ask for reassurance because I know my outfit looks nice, nobody thinks I'm fat, and they would think I'm just asking for compliments, or I'm not appreciating how great I have it. I think my therapist wonders why I can't suck it up and appreciate my life before it's too late. Anyway, If somebody seems needy to me I empathize with them and just tell them they are great, or I understand how hard it is to deal with what's bothering them. Some might handle a blunt word to snap out of their attitude, but if it's someone you only deal with occasionally try to show the love and patience, and then vent to us after they leave