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#1
Nov 10, 2011, 11:48 AM
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Friends have always been few and far for me, real ones that is. I have a friend who really has the biggest heart one could have. However she has a back for making one feel like total crap. When we all get together 3 of us we pick on eachother and it's always in fun, but she's the one to take it to a new level of just plain cruel. Things like she will send me videos or thinks I should have to do what she wants, I sent her a video of some pretty funny comedy I thought she'd enjoy, with a text that said hilarious video! Her response, I never watch anything you send me..well I'll be!
She says she loves me & I'm her best friend but it's always about her v. The world, and she always boasts about herself..drives me crazy. She's moved states away and while visiting is now beyond and better then all our old hang outs. I notice the change and can see she's unhappy it's hard to be there for someone who doesn't recognize their own actions. Should I just let the distance take it's course or still try to be an active friend? If I talk to her about how much of a b she can be she will just shrug it off..I'm confused...
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"The dog days are over." |
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#2
Nov 10, 2011, 12:11 PM
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Hi, Justme,
For an outsider like myself just reading your post, I'll tell you, your "friend" doesn't sound like a friend at all. She sounds like someone just using you for her own purposes rather than being willing to undertake the kinds of mutual aid and comfort that a real friend is there for. A very long time ago in junior high school I had a friend who I admired greatly and lived just a short distance away. We always did what he wanted to do, and went where he wanted to go, and talked about what he wanted to talk about. This was all okay with me because he was very smart and his suggestions were always to my liking. Well, one summer we went to the same summercamp. We were in the same tent with four other guys. And while we all were talking, I suddenly realized that the way Tony (that was his name) won all the arguments was because he simply talked OVER everyone else, essentially shouting everyone down. So I talked over HIM. And he out and out punched me, hard! So I saw the real picture immediately and never spoke to him again, let alone consorting with him. What does this mean for you? It means that people seek your company for many different kinds of reasons, some truly friendly and some pretty much for egotistic reasons of their own that really don't have that much space for acknowledging you as a separate, valuable human being with valuable ideas and feelings of your own. Quite a number of people, in my personal experience, really don't have any capacity for true "friendship." And you need to sort them out before you finally decide whether you want them as your friend or not! Take good care.  Quote:
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We must love one another or die. W.H. Auden We must love one another AND die. Ygrec23  |
 lynn P.
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#3
Nov 10, 2011, 03:09 PM
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It's unfortunate but I kind of knew that she isn't much of a real friend, I still love her but am annoyed with her passive, and directly insulting behaviour. Great true friends are few & far between in life. I don't know what lesson is to be taught by consistently ending up with friends with such a demeanor but I am happy to know that others have also experienced that friend. I can't believe he punched you! My ex husband had a friend who any time I saw him always talked about everyone else (including people he hung out with and kissed butt to) bad mouthing them, when I asked him if he ever said anything nice
about others Or if he was just that negative and unhappy his opinion changed of me and I also was became the enemy, he stopped showing his face after I called him out, which I'm sure he still blabs about. The thing is this man is in his 30's I gather some mature in height not character. Thank you for the great advice!
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"The dog days are over." |
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#4
Nov 10, 2011, 04:50 PM
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Real friends are often few and far between. The reality is that most people are lucky to have one or two good friends throughout their lives that they can really count on. Many people blame themselves or seem to think that they are inadequate if they don't have a lot of friends, but that just isn't true. Having a lot of friends or a good social network is truely a lot of work and very time consuming. And while there are people that do seem to have a lot of friends, if you do get a chance to get to know that person, they can be weary of the maintenance involved in achieving that and may even admit that these people are not close intimate friends.
Friendships are relationships and in all relationships there has to be a working respect in personal boundaries and real trust. Personally I tend to shy away from cliques because often that has a requirement of shunning and agreeing to not like certain people. I never really liked others determining who I am to like and dislike. I like to be open minded about people as I know that everyone has something you can learn from. However, as we go through life we do learn that while someone may appear to be a friend it is because they want someone to order around or talk over or agree with all of their opinions. Or some people can be psychological vampires and need constant care and depend on others for all their problem solving etc. If anything members here that wonder about friends can learn a lot by spending time in PC and recognizing that many people have little quirks about them and some of these quirks are what make them unique. However most people do wonder if they are worthy of having friends, am I good enough they wonder and sometimes because they have been hurt they have a hard time trusting. But the one guaruntee is that no one is going to have all the same oppinions as us and we have to find a way to make a decision to do our best to accept and respect another person for what they are to a certain degree. The best anyone can do is find ways to understand themselves and accept their own limitations and do their best to also accept the short comings of others. I can say I have met some real doozies in my life that have truely taken me by surprise. But that is people and now that I have spent time in PC and I see the different disorders I can think back to people in my life path with a new enlightenment about them. I honestly never expected to discover that. But now that I have I have the ability to look back and recognize that the person truely struggled with something that I didn't understand and they didn't understand it either. What I like about PC is that it is a sign that we are gaining in understanding the personal struggles of not only ourselves but others. I know that now that I have experienced PC and how many people struggle with different issues that have effected how they perceive themselves and react to other people, even if they truely stuggle to socialize, I am much more understanding. I never liked shunning people that struggled and now I am even more sympathetic. Are there people that are toxic and we should stay away from them, yes. But there are also people who may be standoffish that maybe should be taken a better look at because they might just be a really nice person hidden behind a protective shield of some kind of social anxiety or discomfort. Open Eyes |
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#5
Nov 11, 2011, 06:30 AM
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Quote:
And, of course, you have to find a person who's interested in you and has all the same qualities. I would tend to guess that the reason there are so few "true" friendships is that so many people (me, I'd guess a majority) are really so insecure that they can't let up on their self protective behavior for a second, and so really can't have any "real" friends at all. I don't know if that's true in other countries, but I think it's true here. Take care!
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We must love one another or die. W.H. Auden We must love one another AND die. Ygrec23 |
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