[wellactually]

Hello everyone. I'm not sure how to start, so I guess I'll dive right in. This may get kinda long.

I have issues with my family. I'm 18 years old and graduated from high school last year. I live at home with my parents. We are... very tense together, to say the least. It's only gotten worse since I graduated.

Don't get me wrong; I love my parents. That's part of the reason it's so hard to live with them. They drive me insane. That's the first part of my problem. I've reached an age where I don't feel I need to get their approval to live my life. I usually tell them my plans in advance. I will always tell them where I am and who I'm with, but I think I'm old enough now that they shouldn't have the right to veto my decisions. I don't have a lot of friends, since it's hard for me to make them, so I'm not spending more than a couple of hours a week socializing, usually. I am spending the occasional overnight with my boyfriend. I think they feel uncomfortable with that, but they know I'm having sex and that I'm on birth control. We will do "that" when I don't stay over - the overnights are mostly for video game or movie marathons. I try to do this only about once a month, so that my parents will be happy. (A couple of days ago, I got sick with a fever and he didn't want me to do the hour and a half long trek back to my house in the rain, so I called my parents and told them I was going to stay at his place. Needless to say, they were really ticked off.)

But, as they often remind me, I live in their house, I don't pay for room or board. I do some housework (cleaning bathrooms, dusting, dishes, helping with cooking, and sometimes other things), but I don't do too much. Between my emotional issues, school, work and my own life, I don't have a lot of time. Which brings me to the next part of the problem.

I have mental health issues. They come in the form of Bipolar I (currently not too bad, although I will admit I've been seriously depressed for the last 5 months), and flashbacks to childhood emotional/sexual abuse.

Normally I try to keep my stress to a minimum, because stress tends to exacerbate my mood swings. Unfortunately, I'm currently dealing with a lot of rather traumatic memories that are taking hold of me and refusing to let go. It's exhausting. It's as if everywhere I turn there's another trigger. I used to work in childcare, but it became so hard to keep my head around the child I worked with I had to quit. Fortunately, I still have an office job in the city, which isn't stressful in the least.

But I never want to come home. While I know and understand that my parents love me very much, they scare me emotionally. It's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My parents - the way they talk to me, the things they say - are the largest trigger in my life and I can't be around them without getting plunged into flashbacks. They are great people as long as everything's pleasant, but otherwise... I feel ashamed of myself for saying this, but my parents have been emotionally abusive. I don't think they meant to be that way, but they have been and still are. They have loved me, this I know, but they have never made me feel loved. I have never been good at explaining this, so I won't go into detail, but the normal parent-like stuff I've mentioned above is not what I'm talking about. It's different, the abusive stuff, meaner and more hurtful and more frightening.

Mostly I'm very confused. My boyfriend says that it's normal for parents to hurt their kids self-esteem and be like this, but I'm not so sure. When I wake up in the middle of the night silently screaming as I remember being yelled at and pushed to the point where I tried to kill myself when I was 7 years old, I think it isn't normal at all. I remember that they never even noticed. They never payed a lot of attention. I can't get rid of my memories, just like I can't get rid of my feelings, no matter how many times I've tried to. I think I don't know how to explain to him properly. People usually love my parents when they meet them, don't understand that they could be the way I describe them. My older brother left when he was 21, became a binge drinker and now avoids talking with them. He's the only one that knows what I'm talking about.

I was planning on moving out next year when I go to university. I was hoping to save up money this year so I could make it easier on myself when I go. As it stands, my parents have said that If I feel like treating their house like a hotel (which I don't, I can't stress this enough) I can pay rent. Quite frankly, I think I need to leave my house. I've only started realizing how unhealthy our family is now that I'm out working in the world. It's becoming very hard to keep myself healthy living with them. I only make about $660 month right now, but I could share a room in the city for $300 or so and have enough left over for transit and food. It wouldn't be easy, but I think I could do it. I don't want to cut ties with them. I just need some more space and freedom. I'd still come home for family dinners every so often. I'd still be a part of the family.

I am not perfect. I'm really sensitive, and emotionally unstable. I can be lazy sometimes. I do not keep my room clean. I don't always do the dishes as well as I should. I know that it is hard for them to live with me too. But I'm all jumbled up inside, torn between my need to make my parents happy and the need to take care of myself. I've been waiting to leave for the last 9 years, and now that I can, I think I should just do it, but I realize that would be a hard decision for both myself and them.

Please, please lend me your perspective.

[Leed]

If you can swing it financially, PLEASE GET OUT! Your very sanity is hinging on it. You have enough to contend with without abusive parents too! They are only making you sicker.

My parents were abusive too, and I left home at 18, 4 days after I graduated from High School. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I still needed therapy tho, as the memories were painful and I couldn't handle them. I saw several therapists before I found one that really helped me.

I understand that if you live in their house, then their house "rules" should be honored, BUT you haven't asked or done anything that was terrible or "breaking" the rules. It's time you left for your own sake. They'll get over it.

I wish you the very best. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee