[spaceid]

I have an adult older brother, we'll call him M, who has had emotional issues for at least 15 years. I'm not sure what is wrong, but he may be manic depressive. It seems he gets different answers from different doctors and I don't think he tells us everything anyway.

He lives with my mother and I and also has health issues relating to to his back. He hurt it at work about 6 years ago, has had three back surgeries and is considered partially handicapped. He can get around fine, but is usually in pain.

The problem is that my brother goes through these cycles. He'll be perfectly fine and then one day he will become incredibly angry and threatens suicide. He has attempted suicide twice and gone to rehab for depression. This cycle has been going on for over ten years. He blames everyone else for his problems (especially his girlfriend) and none of us know what to do or what he wants. I'm not sure if he knows what he wants, but if he does he won't tell anyone. He has a hard time keeping employment and will get into arguments with his co-workers. He doesn't give our mother any money and the responsibility usually falls on me.

He is a very confusing person. He has always been a good brother, so when I get angry with him I feel guilty. However, I don't know what else to do. I'm avoiding going home at all costs. This has happened so many times that I can't take it anymore. There are days when I come home hoping that I won't find him dead somewhere in the house. But at the same time I want to be as far away from him as possible sometimes.

My mother and I think that his girlfriend is better off without him. I feel bad saying that about my brother, but he is not healthy enough to have a relationship. If she leaves him he will get really depressed and stop speaking to people all together. Then he may take too much medicine and try to kill himself again.

My mother and I are at a loss for what to do. I'm scared, angry, ashamed, and worried all at the same time. I'm not ashamed about him having these issues, but I am ashamed that I resent him and am so fed up. Bad luck seems to follow him around, but I think he also needs to take more responsibility over his life. We also have an older brother and out of the three of us M probably had the hardest time growing up. My parents divorced and our father didn't take very good care of him. I lived with my mom and my older brother lived with our grandparents. He goes to therapy and is on meds, but nothing seems to work.

I'm scared he's becoming emotionally abusive to his girlfriend. He blames her for everything and was threatening her with suicide. He had an ex-girlfriend that he did the same thing to as well. He is starting to act similar to my ex-stepfather who was also emotionally abusive to me and my mother. Everything is turning into a mess...again. I have no clue what to do. All I know is that I don't want to go home.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles with your brother.

Yes, I am not a doctor, but it does appear something is wrong. I can't say what. Suicidal ideation is common in many illnesses and personality disorders, unfortunately. You say he is in therapy and on meds, so at least there is an awareness of something being wrong. Threatening with suicide is indeed abuse. It is actually catagorized as a high level abuse by the US Army.

Does he see a psychiatrist or only a therapist? He may need a higher level of treatment. Has he been hospitalized? I know that's scary but some people benefit from a short stay while others do not. But if he is becoming a threat to himself or others he may need it. He may at least need a med change or adjustment or something.

It is true that just because there is an illness we still must take responsability for ourselves. I can't just say "well, I have bipolar so I will lay on the floor and let it eat my brain." It is hard, though. Very hard. It is hard to fight the demons, especially if you don't have the right weapons. He can only get better if he wants to.

I say if he's threatening suicide you should call the suicide prevention hotline. Most family members are not equiped to stand up to it. In fact, maybe even call the hotline anyway because you are afraid to go home. They might have advice on what to do.

[Leed]

There really isn't anything you can do -- HE has to want to get better. HE has to face up to reality and discover how his actions affect his life and the lives of others.

I doubt that he's telling his therapist everything either. Is there any way you can put a "bug" in his therapists ear? Perhaps if he had a better idea of what is REALLY going on, he might be able to treat your brother better.

Just don't beat yourself up with blame. This isn't YOUR fault, and you have no reason to feel guilty. If he doesn't want to get better, he won't. When you have no desire to do the work required to heal, you just plain won't get better! That's up to him. I guess all you can do is "steer clear." If it gets too bad at home, you might want to think about moving out.

Take care and God bless. I hope things work out. Hugs, Lee