[Harvestdream]

I don't know if this is in the right forum or not.
My fiance has 2 kids, they go back and forth between him and their mother (week to week).
We got engaged in October, and this week tried easing into the discussion with the kids. I thought I got along with them great. We started off with a discussion like me moving in some day, and the girl (10) began to cry.
She said she doesn't know how she feels about it, because her mom gets sad / angry when she talks about me to her, and her dad is sad without me around. She then asked her dad if he would be sad if I didn't move there to be with him. That was the gist of the conversation, and it wasn't really explored any deeper than that. We ended with saying it won't be for another year or so, so we can talk more about it closer to the time.
Since that talk, I've noticed that she has been a bit cooler towards me, and doesn't seem like she knows how to act (neither do I, truthfully!).

I was hoping someone had some insights / thoughts on how to pursue this further...I mean we haven't even talked to them about us getting married, when do we broach that and how, now that we know what her potential reaction will be?

Thanks in advance

[Perna]

Oh, Harvestdream, what a difficult, hard time for you. No way to really help with the childrens' reactions on you being with their dad, their dad not being with their mom and you two marrying.

I have three stepsons, only one of whom was under 18 when my husband and I were first working together toward marriage and his divorce. The older two were high school grads, still older teens but not as influenced.

I would see if you could do some things with the daughter, just you and her, when she is visiting? Let her get to know you some? Maybe the two of you run out to the grocery store after planning a meal? Just get to know her some on the weeks she is with her father.

When we married and the young son would come visit, the three of us would go on vacation but I would give them a lot of space for father/son sorts of time/vacations. I did not force myself on his son, make rules or otherwise try to influence his behavior except for how it related to me, personally (we got into a bit of a shoving match in a hallway when he got a growth spurt as a mid-teen and I pointed out to him that "you may be taller but I outweigh you by about 100 pounds" :-) I did not let him disrespect me. But if I did not like some of his behavior, I would discuss it with his father and let him address it if he wanted rather than make an issue.

Your boyfriend's children have two parents and don't need a third. You also are not a "friend" though, either. Relate to them as "yourself", a mature, caring, adult to a child and it might go the easiest? You cannot help with what they do/do not tell their mother about you or what she does/does not think of you, how she behaves, etc., you only have your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to guide you.

You can express your sorrow that the child is sad about the breakup and ask her what might make her feel better this moment. Helping her learn to live in the moment, not automatically resent being with you because you are not her mother or be sad her father is not with her mother, etc. is probably the best you can do for both of you. If a situation gets difficult, change the subject as one does with children, it's a distraction against sadness and loss which is true/there and there is nothing wrong with distraction at those moments if there is no other way to help a person feel better? You are not a mother or therapist, just a caring adult. The relationship will change and mature over time; I am fine friends with my three adult stepsons (and their mother!) since beginning this life path in 1985.

[Crew]

Oh, Harvestdream,

This is just my own opinion but if you can keep Communication constantly happening and allow his kids the time to adjust. However if you will communicate with you fiance and his kids but I would communicate more if I had my life to do over. and your in my thoughts. What will work out is awesome and what looks like it won't work out give yourself even more time!

Good Luck, Crew

[sabby]

Harvestdream, it's not always an easy thing when creating an extended/blended family unit. One thing that I realized when I remarried was that my children, no matter how much they liked my new husband, had some very extreme/mixed emotions about our marriage. Children will always dream of their parents getting back together again. They can't help it. When someone else comes along in one of their parents' lives, they begin to realize that mom and dad are really done and not getting back together. They feel crushed, confused, angry, sad, depressed etc. etc.

I think your future step-daughter may be acting cooler towards you because she is not sure how she feels at any given time. She's still trying to figure all this out. I think, being as patient as you can be, acting normally around her, active listening to her will help her feel more comfortable and may even give her the opportunity to speak openly with you when she's having difficulties.

Children want their parents to be happy. Children also think that when the parents divorce, it's because they did something wrong. They will do what they can to try to "fix" it. It's so important for the children to know that it never was their fault that their parents split up. Maybe you can have that conversation with the child and their dad all together?

Just be prepared for good and bad to happen through this. Their emotions will go up and down as will yours. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find that gentle, caring place for each of you.

[Caretaker Leo]

Forgive me if this is lengthy, but hoping I have some thoughts that could help you.

My current husband's children were grown and on their own - but he inherited my sons when we got together. My sons lived with their dad, but spent lots of time with us.

Here is info about what we went through and how he built relationships with each of them.

Reality: It will be rough at first. Your fiance's kids will say nasty things about you to their mom, their dad and even to you. Be patient - very patient. (And when you feel very hurt and want to cry, do it in your fiance's arms in private).

Don't try to be a parent to them right now; do work at being an adult friend. All 4 of you need to spend time together doing "family" things. Go out and have fun together; cook a meal together; watch movies together, etc. This helps build their trust in you and also allows them to see and experience the growth of a "new" family unit.

Eventually (might take months), find one on one time with each child during which you listen to them, share a common interest, etc.

If they ever tell you a secret - keep it secret! Don't share their secret with anyone. This is part of their testing whether they can trust you. (Of course, if the secret could cause danger to them, share it quietly with your fiance so the 2 of you can develop a plan on how to handle it). But he will have to be the one who handles it.

While you both might want to get married within a year from now, consider waiting even longer. My hub and I lived together for 4 years before we married. My sons saw the commitment we had to each other and learned that my hub wasn't trying to replace their own dad.

This all happened in 1998. Today my sons refer to my hub as their father. Their dad is their dad - but my hub is the one (they have told us!) who provided the best guidance and is always willing to listen to them and provide support and advice.

You can make this successful - just be willing to give it lots of time and be patient.

[gma45]

10 is a tough age for any kid so be kind and gentle. Only thing I can offer is my step son was 8 when I married his father, and he ask me one day "Why don't you like my mom?" and I told him I liked his Mom. His Mom and Dads problems where between them. And I did not want to take any ones place just wanted to be someone he could talk with if he needed. Kids also feel guilty if they think one parent is happier than the other they tend to side with the poor me parent. at least that is what my step son did. Until he realized life is what you make it. I did everything I could do to keep the peace between the two x's which I would not advise as it took it's toll on me. I am since divorced from his father and up until his Mother passed away we were good friend we had something in common both x's of same man and Mother's to a great kid!