Disrespectful Behavior of an Adult Stepchild

I'm new to this forum, and am glad to be looking around a bit and finding out what it's about. I have participated in other on-line forums and have found them very helpful when I've had to seek help getting out of an abusive relationship and also when dealing with the death of my pets. The internet can be a wonderful thing.

I'll try to be brief in describing my dilemma. I married a wonderful, sweet man last December. I met him at a time I didn't think I was going to get married again (after having gotten out of an abusive relationship). I was at that time content and happy just being on my own and meeting people to do things with occasionally. So I actually met him at a good time in my life. He has two grown stepsons and one biological daughter. One stepson and his family lives near us and I get along with them wonderfully. I also get along with everyone else in his family and they have all accepted me with loving, open arms. The exception is his adult daughter. She is 22 and lives with her boyfriend about and hour away from us.

My main dilemma is that she has shown some very irresponsible and disrespectful behavior toward my husband. Awhile ago, before I met him, he had cosigned on a car loan for her and in the past year, she's het a couple payments lapse and has also let her insurance lapse. Because his name was on the title to the car, he's the one who received the notices and had to then contact her to pick up the pieces. She's also done some other things like rack up late charges at Blockbuster knowing that his name was still on the account, and he has since removed her name from his account. She got upset with that. She has also ignored us for months on end because my husband (or I) have declined to get involved in an internet pyramid scheme she got involved in because she thought it was going to make her rich. I thought that my husband was very respectful when telling her he did not want to get involved in it. She used to call him on the spur of the moment and wanted he or I to drop everything we had planned and go help her on weekends with projects she had.

The most recent incident, which has sort of sent me over the edge, is that she is not making her car payments again. Basically, what my husband did to get his name off the title was to take out a loan against his retirement account, pay the car loan off, and then sign the title over to her. He would then proceed to get her to make monthly payments to him. She's made one since last fall, and that was drug out of her. He asks her to keep him apprised of when she'll be able to make regular monthly payments to pay him back, but she doesn't ever get back to him.

It's very hard for me to relate to that sort of behavior and I find it very hard to be around her. I love being around everyone else in his family, with the exception of his daughter. I come from a background where I've had to work and save for everything I have. When I've owed people money, I pay them back if only by making good faith efforts to do so. I didn't grow up with all the love and attention that apparently my husband's daughter did, but I still have a sense of respect and decency about me. From the history I've heard about her upbringing, she was perhaps overindulged and got to do whatever she wanted and pretty much got whatever she wanted. I'm not saying loving your child is a bad thing; it's a good thing. But she really does take for granted in a big way the fact that she grew up with a father (my husband) who really did love her and supported her in whatever it is she wanted to do. She does, as an adult, carry around this sense of entitlement with her. I really don't think she treats him with much respect, but I keep my mouth shut because I certainly don't want to totally alienate her.

However, the most recent incidents of her not bothering to pay him back is getting to me and I don't know if I even have a right to be upset about it. I mainly needed to talk about it and get it out of my system. It hasn't just been one incident with her, but several. More than I've even mentioned here.

I've told my husband that if he wants to get together with her, he's welcome to. I'm in in no way telling him he can't go to her functions or participate in her life. I would be a cruel person if I were to do that. However, I have told him that I really don't enjoy being around her, knowing how she's treated him. I've asked him to not force a relationship between her and me.

Can anyone provide any insight into this as to how I should handle this? Should I speak directly with her? Should my husband speak directly with her and air his concerns? I now know I shouldn't have gotten married and into this type of situation. He and I are compatible in so many ways, have similar interests, and our personalities just mesh very nicely. He is a kind, compassionate man and I'm afraid that leaves the door open for him to get taken advantage of.

Any insight would be appreciated. Sorry for the length of this post.

Best wishes to all.

wadeb

Wow....that ones a toughie. I feel for you.

What I personally think is your step daughter is a little spoiled. I think the best thing for her is a big fat NO. It really sucks, but it will help her in the end.

I wouldn't go to her directly, because it will cause controversy. I'd go to your husband, tell him your opinion, and leave him to his decision. I'd make sure you make him see what you see. Sometimes parents can be blind to that.

I hope it all works out for you. Let us know how it goes.

Desirae

basically she is an adult now and the car payment agreements is between her and her father. The more you try to fix or speak out against the situation it will only cause more stress and a possible wedge between you and your husband. In fact the more you show of you dislike for the daughter will cause problems between you and your husband.

My suggestion - he already knows how you feel so now its time to let it drop and become the responsible, and respecting adult you are - When it comes to family situations where you will encounter her be a responsible, respecting adult - that is don't get baited into fights or discussions about her and if she tries to start something with you, you are older then she is act it by not falling into her baitng - don't react, just keep everything on your side respectful. in time she will either change her behavior or choose not to be around you because she cannot manipulate you like she can her father. What every one else in the family will see is that you accept his side of the family unconditionally and the most important relationship here - you and your husband - will stay strong and intact. Thats what really matters here not your husbands and his daughters relationship thats for them to deal with.

Hi Wadeb - I was a stepmom for a couple of years, and know how frustrating it can be. Sometimes rewarding, but mostly frustrating. There is probably a stepmom support group out there somewhere, but my stepmom experience was pre-daily-internet so I didn't have one to pass along to you.

I agree with everything that Myself said (as usual), and would like to second it.