Redheaded Stepchild, part 3

My brother, stepmom and I collaborated on the obituary that we wrote for my dad. My stepbrother (who my dad always hated) has a very cute 6 year old little boy who I do love dearly. However, my dad also has a fully-formed, 7 months along biological granddaughter kicking away in my belly. We had written 'survived by... his grandchildren'. However, what got printed was 'survived by... his grandson'. I asked my stepmom how it got changed and she said that when the paper called to confirm the facts, she told them that one of the grandchildren isn't really a person yet (or something like that - I don't remember how she phrased it). That hurt me a lot - my daughter is absolutely a person and would survive even if born today. And she's more of my dad's grandchild than her grandson, who my dad barely spent any time with.

I just hate how her family members always overshadow mine. Not to mention that the will that she had my dad sign after his brain surgery leaves her with more than 80% of his estate; my/my brother's 20% is my dad's house, which we have to pay taxes on, maintain, and sell/rebuy at her request, but don't get to live in ourselves because she gets to live there for the rest of her life, cost-free. So essentially, her kids get 80% of my dad's net worth

thanks for letting me vent. None of it is worth acting on but my feelings are still there.

So sorry hun, that's hard to experience this stuff while being pregnant and taking care of that as well.

((((LMo))))

LMo,

don't really have anything to offer other than support for keeping a cool head about all of this. you have valid complaints about all that has gone down. we'd be hurt and insulted as well over the "correction" in the obit.

hopefully this acute pain will lessen as time passes.

one possible thing to keep in mind w/ all this "her family" stuff going on......your family is growing and changing and your focus is shifting. given what you've shared here over time we're very excited for that little girl in your belly to come join planet earth soon.

we're very sorry that you've had all this acrimonious stuff accompanying your father's death.

our most positive thoughts for your upcoming introduction of baby LMo. may you and hubby be showered w/ the comforts and blessings of kindness wherever they may be found.

kindly,
__zh

I'm there with you (but not having any problems with it). My husband and I are trying to make out our wills and are stalled as he wants to ensure, whatever is left when we've both died goes to his 3 sons, (equally, with my literal, redheaded stepson as executor). All well and good but to do that we have to put it in effect when either one of us dies which means, if he dies tomorrow it gets locked in cement and even if I live another 30 years and things change or his sons treat me badly, I remarry, etc. I wouldn't be able to change that part of the will. I wouldn't even be able to spend it except for certain things, mostly having to do with my upkeep, I wouldn't have any control over it, it would be in a special trust. The portion I would control is equally as large but still, I want it all!

you and your brother can contest the will claiming that he was not himself when he signed that will. it is not fair that you would have to pay all her expenses and I for one would not do it. she would have to pay all the utilities and such.

thanks - I'm much more upset about the obituary than the will. If the will if not what my dad intended (which I am sure it's not from prior conversations with him), then it's his fault for not getting things set up properly earlier. But there was no need to do omit his granddaughter from the obituary - such a small thing that costs nothing, but would have made a big difference to me

I can imagine hon. will she redo it? or maybe you can have it redone stating that a grandchild was omitted? I know it isn't the same as having her do it to begin with. (((hugs))))

lMo you can always send in a memorial pic of your Dad saying "to Grandpa with Love" then the babys name

I feel silly, Me giving YOU advice, but maybe it's time to pull back on your expectations of your stepmother and maybe even your brother. You know pretty much how they are going to behave.

If it's still time, make a call to the newspaper and tell them they were misinformed. Give them the truth. They may even print a correction if it's already been run.

I had to be on my toes with my EX's wife when the two oldest were still unmarried. She'd pull all kinds of sneaky things. The one that topped it off and I corrected her immediately was when she stood up at the same time I did when my daughter got married. I figured everyone had their eyes on the bride so I shoved her back down to her seat. She was right behind me. Even so, her friends asked me why *I* stood up as the bride's mother. I set them straight, too! Like they couldn't tell that my daughter looked JUST LIKE ME???? The stepmother is blonde... and as ugly as an English Bulldog!!

There are just some thing that you don't let the "steps" get away with, ya know?

Tomi - you're right. I know you are. It's just easier said than done - and the drama is only beginning. I'm not looking forward to dealing with the estate stuff and her moving here.

I'll be ok. I'm probably a bit more sensitive than usual these days anyway. Thanks everyone for your support

You know the truth and we, your friends, know the truth. Who knows if it was deliberate on your stepmother's part or if she's just not too swift. My stepmother wasn't in some areas.

It matters to you because you are still alive but your father doesn't know/hurt from it or if he does know, he too knows the truth of the situation.

Do you have your own lawyer to advise you about the estate and what the will actually says/doesn't say, etc.? She does "survive" him and throwing little, old ladies out in the snow, even if they deserve it is kind of frowned on in our society :-) Usually estates go to the spouse; I'm surprised that she only gets the 80%. If my husband dies first I'll only "get" to control 50% but I can use the rest for my maintenance if I need assisted living or nursing home, etc. It will mostly be divided the way it is because of tax laws and trying to keep as much possible for when the second person dies. My husband's and my lawyer talked about how difficult it gets with remarriages, etc.; I have no children of my own and love my stepsons and their families but still I'm pissed I won't get to "control" the property. I'm sure the children see it differently. I'm trying to solve some of the problem by dividing up a lot of the estate when one person dies and giving them some money then, when they're middle-aged and need it! Then the rest would be "mine" and I'd probably leave it to them when I died (since I don't really have anyone else) but I'd also have the discretion to leave it to my second husband's 3rd son's second wife's nephew if I felt like it :-)

Thanks Perna - you are so kind to stick with me through all of this

She's getting more than 2.2 million with no living expenses over her lifetime - hardly left out in the snow.
I believe that my dad's point in not giving her the 100% was that she has children of her own, and he did not want his estate to ultimately pass to her children instead of his own.

also because part of HIS estate was inheritance from my mom, which was supposed to then pass to me and my brother.

{{{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care of YOU and YOUR BABY FIRST!! Don't let her put unnecessary stress on the two of you.

Can I have a go at her?? Nah... you know I'm kidding. Just feeling protective.

Thanks - I don't consider it to be deliberate on her part. Naive of authority figures (my dad, the lawyer) and protective of her own kids, but not conniving or unethical. Hopefully she'll work with us on this. I know that my brother will contest the will if she won't, regardless of whether I'm up for the challenge or not.

Baby kicks "hello!" to you both!

I think if I were your brother I would contest it also since part of the estate was from your mother. I would think it only right that it should go to you and him. I think she should get some but not all.

btw how is the baby doing?

It sounds like it's a valid will. How long was he married to your mother versus this woman?

I was a little unhappy with my stepmother's death because my stepsister got the money from her grandparents that had been "saved" for her all these years and my 3 brothers and I got the money from our grandfather. She got like $125,000 and we got to split $8,000 by four :-) then the rest of the estate was divided by five. I was wishing the whole grandparent thing was proportional to the whole and took into account the passage of the years, etc. I guess that is asking a bit much. The executrix was my stepsister's daughter and her husband was a partner in a large firm that did the whole thing, very expensively, not entirely their fault. My MBA brother had been doing our stepmother's taxes and hadn't done them for seven years prior! So, the law firm first had to hire an accountant to try to get the IRS to work on that. All the inheritance was in stocks, they didn't sell them or do anything with them, so in the year it took to work on the will with all the complications, the stock market took a dive so we lost probably $400,000 out of the estate, etc. There had been a lien on the will from my parents lending money to my n'er-do-well brother-in-law, it was to come out of my stepsister's share if she had died before he did but he died first so my brother's and I excused that debt. My brothers and I are all well enough off and grown so they didn't really care; my brother who messed up the taxes (lives in Hawaii) didn't even claim his portion, was screwing up the whole tieing up sequence really bad. He has gotten strange the last 10-15 years, doesn't want anything to do with the rest of us. I have no clue about my niece anymore, she could be married with kids and I wouldn't know.

It's sad how families pretend while everyone is living that it's all fine and dandy. I didn't realize until after my father died in 1992 how I'd bought into a myth about my whole family. That was a lot of what my T and I worked on 1996-2005. It took my father's death and the disintegration of everything I'd built into my fantasy of "family" (changed again but more toward the "better" when my stepmother died in 2001) to really get me woken up and smelling the roses :-)

I'm keeping up with you because I have that redheaded stepchild, remember