[lido78]

For years, my sister and I have had a bit of an off-again, on-again relationship. We can be very close (especially when teaming up to defend each other or to work on a project for someone else's benefit) at times, and then we can fight and not speak for months. We are both fairly direct people who prefer to "tell it like it is." Since she has been with her current boyfriend, however, she has become more passive-aggressive. I know that everyone has their own style, but I am floundering with how to deal with this new personality type. Because I get along best with other direct people and her personality type/communication style has morphed over the last few years, having a direct and clear conversation about our "issues" is almost impossible.

She also has become increasingly unresponsive via telephone. Our mother has had ongoing heart disease issues and was recently taken to the hospital at 4 a.m. Although my sister and her boyfriend both have cell phones and I tried calling both numbers, it was several hours before I could make contact. When I suggested that, because of our parents' advanced age, she keep her phone charged and near her bed, she seemed very angry and suggested that I was too controlling. A similar issue arose when I tried to contact her to make plans for our mother's birthday. She will never return a call unless I leave a message. When I left a message about the birthday plans, however, she didn't respond. When I called her again the next day (which was the day before the birthday) she got annoyed that I followed up and said, "Well, I didn't listen to your message...it was so long, I just deleted it."

There seems to be some real resentment here from prior issues, but I can do nothing about the past and am really trying to move forward. I feel a bit resigned to just taking whatever she's willing to provide in terms of a relationship. It seems sad, though, as we're the only two children of our divorced parents.

Any thoughts about how to make her more comfortable and less "on guard" with me?

[Koko2]

Maybe you just need to leave her be for awhile until it's she who contacts you.

[Perna]

All you can control is your own behavior. If you call someone, anyone, and they do not answer the phone, you leave a message and wait for them to get back to you or don't. If your sister does not want to keep in contact with you/your mother's condition, she does not have to; if something happens, she could miss out on being there and/or helping; that is her choice. There's nothing passive-aggressive about that that I can see. Your telling her how to manage her phone is out of line; she knows best how she wants to manage her phone.

It sounds like you are wishing others would do things the way you do them, have the thought that the way you do things is the only "correct" way to do them. You are not responsible for your mother, your sister, or anyone else; you are only responsible for yourself. If you are feeling resentful and as if your sister is not doing enough, I suggest you do less in the areas where you feel resentful and more that makes you feel good. You can only manage your own thoughts, feelings, behavior, life.

[lido78]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I have pulled back substantially with my sister and have "let her be." Although I definitely agree that I cannot manage anyone else's behavior, it concerns me that my sister is not responsive on the phone given my mother's medical condition (heart attack, strokes, etc.). But, I guess that is her choice and, if she's not available if something serious happens, then she will live with it.