[uniq101]

I have been living in a foreign country for nearly a year now and expected to continue to live here for at least another year. In that time, I have made many friends, particularly one colleague with whom the amount I have in common is almost laughable. He has been in a stable relationship for many years and I know his partner and like her very, very much. My friend and I spent a couple of evenings or more a week in each other's company, almost always with other friends, usually including his partner. A few weeks ago, one evening when I was waiting with my friend for his train back towards his home in the suburbs, we ended up kissing. It came as a complete surprise and I don't think either of us had thought about each other romantically before that moment. But once we started kissing, it was like a flood of emotions that we didn't even know we had for each other broke over us. In any case, we stopped ourselves and the next day, I felt terribly guilty and confused. At the same time, I figured that for him, the kiss was simply an inexplicable thing, confusing but ultimately unimportant since he loves his partner and has never cheated on her and he probably didn't really feel anything more than deep friendship for me. We talked about it and admitted how guilty we felt and that we just wanted to go back to being friends. For the next couple of weeks, we were still seeing each other as friends, working on our various projects, socializing with friends, because neither of us wanted to lose our friendship. I am usually quite good at setting my feelings aside but, despite all this, I was very sad as I realized I had fallen for him. Then last Saturday we spent all day together, first alone, working on a creative project, then with his partner and our friends. At night, after dinner, he suddenly spontaneously asked his partner if I could come over to their house in the suburbs and spend the weekend with them (we had talked about it several times as they live in a very beautiful town and wanted to show me around but it had never worked out before.) She agreed and we went back to their town. While she went home because she was tired, my friend took me for a walk through the town. We were still acting completely as normal but then at some point, he admitted that he couldn't stop thinking about me. For me, I have never felt such mixed emotions- on the one hand, I felt such joy and surprise; on the other, I was so keenly aware of what an impossible situation it was. We ended up admitting to each other that we were in love. There was no question for me that he and I could be together, since his partner is entirely financially dependent upon him and he cares for her very much. I told him that I would leave for the US for a while so that the distance would help us get past this strange twist in our relationship and when I returned we could just be friends. Our physical contact never went beyond kissing and although it was wrong, and we knew it keenly, it felt strangely pure. The following day, again, we tried to act like normal, spending the day together with his partner, but this time, for the first time, I felt strange because I knew he loved me too. That night, after she went to bed, we continued to maintain our distance and were just talking when suddenly he grabbed me. It was the most intense desire I have ever felt, especially because it suddenly became clear to me how much he had wanted me and how long he had suppressed those feelings. We came very very close to having sex. The next morning we were supposed to go back to the city together to go to work but he woke me and told me that his partner had guessed what had happened, that she was really sad and had gone out to be by herself. I have never felt so horrible in my whole life, so guilty, so aware that I had done something I could never have imagined myself doing out of utter selfishness. I was stumbling out of the door but my friend stopped me and asked him to promise him that we wouldn't stop being friends, that I would come back from the US and would reply to his emails. I told him it was impossible now for me to return and he told me to think about my work in this country and not to take such a drastic step. He said that he would spend a terrible day with his partner and that if he thought that on top of everything else, he would lose me he would just die inside. But I knew that we had crossed a terrible line and there was no way to salvage our friendship. He was almost in tears and I couldn't give him any comfort, because I was the cause of his pain, when the last thing I ever wanted to do was cause him or his partner pain. I left in a daze and spent the worst day of my life. In the last three days, I feel like I can barely move, my heart is so close to breaking, with shame, with sadness for the pain I've caused his partner and him. All I could do was to book a one-way ticket back to the US. In these few days, I've only crumbled once and sent a brief text to ask if he was ok, since I was going half-crazy with concern for him. As soon as I sent it, I knew it was wrong and that I had no right to ask. As I wait for the last few days before my flight from this country which has been my home, I know I have no right to feel sad on my own account, knowing what a terrible thing I have done. But I am drowning with grief and shame and at least some part of this terrible grief is selfish. I know I don't have a right to feel sad for myself, but I lost the best friend I have ever had in the world, I caused him so much pain and I can't even console him, and, despite everything, I cannot get myself to stop being in love with him. I am also losing a life I have come to love in a country which is a second home, all my friends here, everything. I am too ashamed to tell anybody about any of this and yet I feel like I will burst or die if I don't receive some affection or support soon, even though I have no right to it. I did a terrible, unforgivable thing but if there is somebody out there who can give me some way to survive this, I will be eternally grateful.

[needfixing]

thank you for sharing.
what a love triangle for your friend.
your strong, independent, something different form his partner, and than to top it off the two of you have a lot in common.
he must of had these feelings for you for a long time and took the opportunity to kiss you.
he's just as confussed as you are, he wants a relationship with you, but doesn't want to hurt his partner.
i think it's good that you left for home, just to take the time to think things thru.
my gut feeling is telling me that soon he will contact you.
it's best the two of you are not friends, but it would be better if the two of you were a couple.

[uniq101]

Thank you so much for your kindness and for being compassionate and non-judgmental. I don't even want to think about the possibility of a relationship with him, because it hurts too much and makes me feel too guilty. But in this time, your words have been the only comfort I have received and I am grateful for it.

[needfixing]

mistakes happen, it wasn't on purpose, your a good person.
its just that you met the right guy at the wrong time. if that makes any sense.
if he does contact you, at least hear him out, and please stop being so hard on yourself.