Apathy: It's got the best of me

In some way I wish there were an apthetic emoticon, but what would the point be of no emotion for an emoticon?

The sentence above this text doesn't make much sense...

And neither is this oncoming passage...

I was warned yet again by the Voices not to go back to my "Male Friend".
I was having the feeling of going back to him again, just to see how he was doing. In some way, "SOME WAY", I knew he was depressed that I wasn't there with him, but I was reminded the reasons why I left him and why they were good.
Reasons for leaving:

-Although he caressed and hugged me, I felt nothing towards it.(That was the beginning time period of my forming Apathy).

-The way his speech was implicated, gave me the feeling that he was lieing. (He kept on saying that he was alot like me, and whenever I told them about the past events that happened in my life, he would always answer with something like, "Yeah that happened to me too." Which is weird, because it seemed like a perfect match, and in reality there's no such thing as "perfect".)

-Whenever he tried to display his humor by telling me funny stories, I would partially laugh, but then I felt and knew inside that it wasn't funny to me.

-After leaving school everyday (for two weeks), I felt like I was ruining my planned virginity and asexuality. The Voices also knew that I didn't feel like myself, and that's when they advised me to leave, because being social wasn't helping anything.

-As I told him that I dislike being around people, he also said the same thing. Get this: He was friends with a whole group of people and greeted everyone that came up to him. (And you say that YOU are a social outcast? I don't think so...)

-I felt a little excited to seem him when he arrived around the morning and at lunch, but then I hated it after he was gone.

-This was taking a toll on the Voices, it brought some of them down, while it made one of them, my best friend, REALLY MAD...

-As said before, I felt like I wanted to be alone, but since he offered, I had no choice.

So at the beginning of this text, I was worried about him. I didn't want anyone to hurt themselves because of what I was doing (many family members have had my behavior take a toll on them, but they chose to let the situation affect them, so why should it matter?), and was warned by the voices, especially my best friend. She told me, "Why are you going back to your human friend? He needs to learn to figure things out for himself! He doesn't need you, and YOU don't need him! I will make your life a living HELL if you go anywhere near him. You should be listening to me. Do as I say or suffer the consequences!"

My main plan was to tell him (My "Male Friend" who's name shall not be revealed) that he needs to not depend on me, and that I'm fine.
As went towards him, the Voice asked, "Uh, why are going to him? Turn your *** back around!"
Guess what I ended up doing?
GUESS...
　
I called out his name, and he looked at me. I told him what has happened, and then I said, "I'm sorry for leaving you!" I had a panic attack after that, and we caressed and cuddled more.

I LED MYSELF INTO DOOM...
My plan backfired, and now I'm stuck being regretful again...
I got back together with him just yesterday! YESTERDAY! Why did I even do it?

WHY?!! I'll tell you why, because I have two different sides of me. One wants LOVE, while the other (me, the true inside) wanted to be alone. The fake side took over and now I'm stuck with someone that I don't even love or have feelings for. My mind went blank as I told him, I swear!
He told me that he was worried about me, and that he missed me. He even said, "I felt lonely even though I had people around me."
This was my reply, "Oh really? It felt great to be alone."

He went back to holding me close to him and embracing me.

I can't believe I just let myself go. Now I regret it again.

I don't want to love, I don't want to be in love!!!

It's just not what I want, it's unfair...

The first thing that happened was, I asked a girl I knew who was friends with the "Male Friend".

I sent her a message via-messaging system.

She told me that he was worried about me.

I said, "That's strange. No one should be worried about me, I'm fine."

She said, "I am, and he misses you."

It felt like a deep stab in my brain just to hear that someone was sad because of my actions.

All of this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't even shown the slightest interested in him...

Wait, why the **** did I even post this?

I just wasted my god damn time...

Hmm... Did you want a response at this point?
It seemed as if your thought was still developing, unfolding.
As if the post wasn't finished.
Maybe no one wanted to interrupt you--you didn't seem to be pausing.

I'm sorry, no one should feel they're wasting their time here. What kind of feedback do you want on this?

.....the blank and distorted sunshine,,,,drifting portraits of sadness combined...the overwhelming need to feel!

amongst so much distress....?

how do I get by?...

time passes and I feel guilty because I am never ready for it,

all my actions are desperate to me....but to others....

apathetic....

I want to care..

I need something I spose...

but....

I don't care....and I hate...dislike and whatever....

to fight apathy?

I have to get angry with it!

and the irony kills me

apathy becomes my personal gift at knowing things others don't

No...no feed back...

I already found my solution....

Finally I left him...

FOR GOOD...

you know...