[smmath]

super clingy to a teacher HELP!!!!

it's Sam. i am very clingy to my former science teacher. last year my school therapist aranged for the three of us to talk. i was soo nervous and when we went into the conferernce room, i sat as far away as i could from him. for some reason i got nervous almost afraid of him, especially when he came close to me. but he never pressured me to be very open with him. that day i asked him the question that had been troubling me for a long time; whay did he become a teacher? he explained that he had enjoyed tutoring in school,, so becoming a teacher was a good fit.

he then proceeded to let me know that i was and am fine just the way i am and that no one- not even him was perfect. he made me feel so good. then on the last day of seventh grade- when i was a mess and crying hard in his class, i gave him a letter i wrote thanking him for helping me. he thanked me wrote in my yearbook that i am a strong person with perserverence, and that he would always be there for me to talk to. just before i left the room when class ended he put his arm around my shoulders and told me that i could email or call him in the summer.

i did in fact email him in the summer when i was feeling aweful and didn't want to stick around. he comforted me and made me want to live.
he was the girls soccer coach for my middle school- which i joined- so i got to see hin twice a week, so i was able to stay clingy.

now i find myself wanting to get myself to feel terrible so that way i'd have a reason to talk to him, like if i was completely unfuctional because of something then that might merit me emailing him again or talking to him again this year.

plus i tell myself a lot that i love him and then some times i think to myself that i hate him. i definitely do not hate him, it's just that these thoughts are compulsive.

i also have this story i wrote for class and i modeled it after our relationship. if anyone doesn't mind reading a morbid story i would love to get some opinions on it.

oh one more thing, i constantly tell myself that i want to end my life in front of my teacher. i am NOT suicidal, but thoughts like that constantly run through my head.
thanks for reading my rant.

[unaluna]

well it seems you do need an adult in your life, IRL. how do we get you one that can be there for you on a regular basis until you go to college? Are you still playing soccer? Is there a kids writing group in your area, like at the library? can you sign up for a big sister program? Is there a teen center? I'm assuming your parent(s) aren't really available?