[chipperdear]

I'm not sure what everyone means when they tell me I'm a cold person, but I've been told that by more than a handful of people over the years. I've always had a problem showing/stating my emotions, and I'm assuming it has to do with that. I'm a pretty uptight stick-in-the-mud, and I don't want to be. I found an article on Psychology Today that fits me very well (different circumstances regarding the maternal attachment stuff though), but I'm not sure what to do with the information.

I guess I'm not really asking a question here, mostly just venting. Not sure how to go about making the changes I need to make in my life (or what those changes are).

[Perna]

It sounds like your problem is mostly in other people's perception of you (rather than that you actually "feel" cold toward others). If that is the case, make a list of what you would consider a "warm" person?

When you decide something like, "appears cheerful, smiles at others, shows enjoyment of being with others by sincere compliments. . ." then you have tangible behaviors you can work to include in your own life? As it would be based on what you consider warm, it would not be inconsistent with you in any way; if you like to get smiles, you rightly figure others might like to receive smiles so adding more smiling to your behavior, literally teaching yourself to smile should have the benefit of getting you smiles in return so the whole interaction warms up and you start hearing, "You are so nice, chipperdear. I love when you first catch sight of me and beam me one of those warm smiles of yours!".

[unaluna]

"c" "a" "t"

ie see a therapist and work thru attachment issues? i've always been smiley but there was nothing behind it. sorry don't mean to contradict the above. it depends on how "cold" you really are. a few years ago, my mother told me, "You really ARE a monster!" as if people had been discussing it and my actions that evening had finally proven it to her once and for all. I was like, "Oh? Huh. Waddya know. Well, that explains a lot." Cold and Colder.

[chipperdear]

Originally Posted by Perna

It sounds like your problem is mostly in other people's perception of you (rather than that you actually "feel" cold toward others). If that is the case, make a list of what you would consider a "warm" person?

When you decide something like, "appears cheerful, smiles at others, shows enjoyment of being with others by sincere compliments. . ." then you have tangible behaviors you can work to include in your own life? As it would be based on what you consider warm, it would not be inconsistent with you in any way; if you like to get smiles, you rightly figure others might like to receive smiles so adding more smiling to your behavior, literally teaching yourself to smile should have the benefit of getting you smiles in return so the whole interaction warms up and you start hearing, "You are so nice, chipperdear. I love when you first catch sight of me and beam me one of those warm smiles of yours!".

That makes sense. I don't feel like a "cold" person, but people are obviously perceiving me this way. I feel like I laugh a lot when around others, joke around and smile during conversations. I'll admit I don't generally appear approachable to people who don't know me, but the people telling me these things are some of the people that know me the best. I've been told I "put up a wall" and "have a bubble," but without specifics, I'm not sure how to change that. Nobody seems to be able to identify what makes me that way though.

As far as friendships go, I never really thought it affected much, since I obviously had friends already (they were the ones telling me this). My recent set of friends/acquaintances say this too, and I haven't been around these people for very long, so it must be more obvious than I thought.

Dating/relationship wise, I can see how it can cause a lot of problems. I've only dated one guy I was attracted to. I dated a few others just because I didn't want to be alone or I didn't want to hurt their feelings and say "no" (which is also a problem). I realized I did that and told myself I would stop because it wasn't fair to anyone involved. But now I don't trust my judgment. I have a chance to get involved with a pretty decent guy right now. He has a lot going for him, but I'm not physically attracted to him. I find his personality attractive, and I think in an odd way he's helping me recognize a lot of my problems (he doesn't know that though), but I worry that if I decide to pursue this, it would be for the wrong reasons and I would become dependent on him.

[chipperdear]

Originally Posted by hankster

"c" "a" "t"

ie see a therapist and work thru attachment issues? i've always been smiley but there was nothing behind it. sorry don't mean to contradict the above. it depends on how "cold" you really are. a few years ago, my mother told me, "You really ARE a monster!" as if people had been discussing it and my actions that evening had finally proven it to her once and for all. I was like, "Oh? Huh. Waddya know. Well, that explains a lot." Cold and Colder.

Nobody in my family has ever said anything about it, but my immediate family doesn't really show their emotions either. We're more of a "ignore the problem and it will go away, don't rely on anyone else to solve your problems for you" type of family, if that makes sense. My extended family is a bit more open emotionally, but we're not very close, so it was never something I was around. But the reaction you described, I definitely get that from my friends.