[Uncodable]

Hey guys I'm Jake and I seem to think I have a bit of a problem Okay here goes.... Okay well when ever I get into a fight with a friend or even just someone else about something I have done wrong I tend to get freaked out and think that I cant stand up for my self because what if what they are saying is true and I did stuff up and look stupid for trying to prove that I didn't.
when I try and think what I have done wrong it is just all blank.
for e.g a couple of weeks ago my gf broke up with me because she said I was a crap bf and I have no balls.
then when I try and go to my defence I think back to all the times we were together and I cant think of anything even tho I thought that I wasn't a bad bf I still didn't say anything I just believed her.
also just a bit of background on myself I tend to think that I am fairly confident with myself in almost everything I do except this.
I generally stick up for myself and respect my self and dont really care what people care about me but for some weird reason i now do :/

does anyone have an idea for what I can do?

[frustrated123]

some other problem is actually bothering you, and the result is lack of confidence in confrontations. you should try and find out what that other problem is

[shezbut]

I think that your ex gf hurt your feelings. Perhaps she was the first to say that you didn't treat her well while you were together.

People say all sorts of mean things during arguments. Sometimes, we seriously mean the words that we say. Often though, we don't. We just become a little hot-headed and say things that we don't really mean. I would guess that's what happened between the two of you. Perhaps you made a remark that hurt her feelings as well??

Something worth thinking about from that angle. It sounds as though her words hit you hard because now you're over-analyzing everything that you say and do. Maybe you should call your ex, apologize for ___, and let it go. Or, maybe she was just being real mean to you and an apology to her wouldn't help. You could ask your friends if you've seemed different lately. In a good or bad way? Try to work through your past mistakes so you can let go of this pain and confusion.

[Uncodable]

Thanks that actually really helped me out

[Perna]

Uncodable, it is hard to see things from other people's perspective. I don't know that your girlfriend would have broken up with you (and done it so insensitively) if she did not think there was something you had said or done she did not like (enough to break up about) so I would look at whatever the other people are saying, and, even though you know you are an "okay" boyfriend, etc., look at the specific behavior and see if maybe it isn't true? It can be hard to admit that we have a problem of some sort or another but maybe just being open to could-be-true and investigating, kind of as if you were looking at a story/someone else, might help?

When your friends and loved ones make claims like "lousy boyfriend and no balls" ask them for details, let them know you are open to listening to what they are saying and see if they can get down to more specific thoughts as to where you might have behavior that you can work on. Going along with people by asking for details can disarm their anger and keep you from defending yourself too much; it's a good middle ground; you don't have to "agree" with them, but you can still ask them for their point of view.

The ex-girlfriend does sound a bit insensitive though :-) You might want to see if you can figure out how to work on better communication during fights so you don't feel as hurt or the other person doesn't feel frustrated (because you put up a wall of defense or none at all, aren't "there").