[MissNix]

I have been involved in a relationship for a year. I was with my husband for 10 years and he abused me phsically and mentally. He tortured me for a long time till i eventually left, but he made me question my own thoughts and instincts to a degree where at times i feel i don't know my own mind. I even caught him cheating on our wedding day. I've had some help with these issues but i'm left with a serious problem. I can't believe my boyfriend is faithful.

He says the way i think is irrational, that he has done nothing wrong and that i constently jump to irrational conclusions when i'm not with him. The final straw with the ex husband was when he threw me downstairs and left me unconscious at the bottom and went to bed. I came round a few hours later with a bad headache, unable to see temporarily out of one eye, and afraid. I crawled to bed and devised a plan to leave him the next day. It has however, left me with serious issues about all my future relationships, especially my current one. I'll use today as an example.

He's been on a course, he says for safeguarding children. It started at 11 and seems to have finished just as his lunch break usually would. I don't seem to be able to believe thats where he was. He recently had an extra phone at work, he said it was to listen to the radio, but again, i don't seem able to believe this. so he brought it home. He promises me he would never do anything to cheat on me.

my ex husband however had numerous affairs and told me the same. He lied, he cheated, he convinced me it was in my head, he hit me for questioning him and then said i'd made him lose his temper. My new boyfriend loses his temper, he says its because when we aren't together we can't go a week without me accusing him of cheating. I've been through his phone and am positive he's removed the sim card at some point. He lied to me about a girl texting him early in the relationship, well not lied just neglected to tell me but i found out.~He says nothing happened , she was told he was in a relationship, end of. He says he didn't tell me because he knew how i am and he knew i'd panic. He rejects me at times and then says it's because he can't relax because i'm always accusing and he's always nervous of what i'll say next.

He's supposed to move in with me soon, but until these fears either leave me or i have reason to doubt him, i don't know what to do. I know that i'm a mess since my husband and i know that his constant betrayel has left me with so many scars it's unbelieveable. i was alone for a long time and now i have finally met someone i love these fears are dreadful. I have nightmares, i can't sleep and i'm constantly questioning my boyfriends behaviour. I am convinced at times there is something going on, especially when he seems distant or can't stay over at mine, its driving me up the wall.

He swears he always has and always will be faithful, but after the husband they seem hollow words. He doesn't understand why it's the cheating i fear most not a repeat of the abuse, he doesn't realise that the cheating came first and thats what i see as the trigger for everything else. I have found nothing to prove he is cheating, yet i see signs everywhere, the bed in his room moves an inch from last time i was there, cheat. He had condoms in a drawer he swears we're ours before i used contraception, cheat. He gets a text my hearts in my mouth, he goes online i cry because i'm scared its only a matter of time before it starts.
Sometimes when i send him text messages come back pending then delivered. These are always at certain timesof the day, recently its been every night at bedtime and every morning. I recently called his house phone and heard interference from a mobile, he swears he didn't get a text but i struggle to believe he's not contacting someone else and lying to me about it. he recently asked me not to kiss him in the supermarket cos he felt uncomfortable,he also has asked me to text less because its nice not to have so many messages from me. Everytime i get comfortable it seems something sets off the insecurities. He swears hes doing nothing wrong. He knows i'm posting these things right now and is worried that peope will say he's up to something when he's not and i'll end up doubting him even more.

I can't cope and i need advice. I've had councelling but this issue is still here and its strong. I'm so afraid. He does anything i can't fully reason out and i think he's cheating. I'm even suspicious he didn't have christmas lunch with his family because i found the tshirt he was wearing screwed up at the bottom of the bed under his duvet. Fear rules me. I need help to make it stop and i need help to trust him, yet i don't. All i see is cheating, and all i do is look for proof. He says i need to get some help because i have severe trust issues that he can't help me with and that he's not lying to me.

Does anyone else have any experiences of a similar nature or has advice for me??? I feel like it's hopeless and he says he loves me but i need to start finding a way to help myself because he's scared it will be the death of us.