Dilemma - stand behind my right to be upset or appeal to his sensitivity?

Ok, so my husband is a highly sensitive guy, and has a few mental health issues - anxiety, d(x) of ADD, and has had a few bouts of severe depression.

He gets rather paralyzed easily when faced with things he doesn't know how to do. He is terrified of making mistakes. It's a big gap in our relationship, because I'd rather make mistakes in the course of progress knowing that at the end, I'm further along than when I started, whereas he'd rather not make any progress than make a mistake. We fight about this a lot - it's our #1 therapy topic.

My therapist thinks I should go a little easier on him. I do try - I've learned to let the little things go. However, I have my own demons and "letting things go" is much easier said than done. I wonder if I ever really succeed in "letting go" because while I can usually contain my words, it doesn't mean that the resentment isn't festering inside. This is why I wonder if my therapist is giving me good advice.

The current dilemma: he had 4 days off this week. He spent about three hours doing yardwork - I was really proud of him. I would have rather he spend three days doing yard/house/career advancement work, but three hours is more than nothing, and I appreciate the three hours he gave. (notice that I'm already complaining that it's not enough...). However, while doing the yardwork, he accidentally broke the latch on one of our basement windows. I just discovered it today - the window was gaping open.

MY demon is that I am (what others say is) irrationally security-conscious. I keep the house security alarm on every night, keep Mace next to my bed, and have a few panic buttons around the house that call the police directly. I don't live in downtown Philly anymore -- it's really safe where we live now. Even my neighbors in Philly thought I was a bit paranoid, though. Weird, I know, but there is history that leads to that. Anyway, I called him, panicking, to ask if he knew that the latch had come off, and he said he knew about it -- that it happened on Tuesday when he was doing the yard work. What! Since TUESDAY? This means that anyone could have broken into our house in the last few days. This is a BIG issue for me. But, when I started to react during our conversation, he said "see? this is why I don't do anything around the house. It's never enough for you. Instead of appreciating that I cleaned around the window well, you're complaining about the latch!"

So there is my dilemma. Should I have kept my panic to myself, favoring his sensitivity about making mistakes? I'm not upset that he broke it -- I'm upset that I'm finding out about it 5 days later and that he hasn't made any effort to fix it. I'm going to the hardware store now to buy a new latch, but what should I have done?

I lose either way, it seems

IMHO, he should have been considerate enough to take your fears into account and fix the thing promptly.

Just my 2 cents.

Candy

Thanks Candy - I agree, but you know, I had this same problem with my ex-husband, too, so either:
a) they are right and I am wrong, or
b) I keep getting married to sensitive people and then resent them and myself for it later because I set the precedent of putting their needs before mine... because they are sensitive.

I'm feeling like (a) is the correct answer right now. And maybe it is... but at the same time, I should have set the precedent early on that my needs/fears have to be given equal consideration, and if that scared them off, then so be it.

Argh.

Another example of an issue I had with BOTH of them (not at the same time, of course):

When I was 16 and just got my driver's license, I got into a bad accident on an icy road. As a result, I drive like a little old lady when it's barely sprinkling rain. Driving on snow or in heavy rain simply terrifies me. Both my ex and my husband are very confident drivers in bad weather, and often drove at what I considered unsafe speeds on potentially slippery roads. Now, I will be the first to admit that my judgment of the road slipperiness is not a good standard to follow. But still... if I am scared, then I'm scared. Why would they still drive faster than I am comfortable with? Why wouldn't they slow down out of consideration of my feelings? Both had the same answer for that -- because my feelings are irrational and they shouldn't have to change their behavior because of it.

Good point. In general, I agree with that kind of response. However, it turns into a fight because then they turn it on ME and say that I am critical of their driving, turning it into a situation where it is expected that I should apologize for criticizing them and hurting their feelings.

Both of these examples are of things that I associate with physical pain and trauma, and are not COMPLETELY unreasonable concerns. Or are they? No, darn it! They aren't unreasonable! Or are they?

Lee Ann after 30 yrs with same type of hubby, you just have to realize you may have to be the lead in your marriage, I just let it go and do what needs to be done, less ulcers lol
Angie

Angie, thanks, you're probably right...

That IS a tough one. I know I'd get the feeling of "why does it always have to be about protecting his feelings? I have problems too."

I don't do well with confrontration. If I open my mouth and offend someone, then I slink away and disappear. To avoiding having to disappear, I keep my mouth shut and let them think I agree with everything. Then that backfires when I eventually explode and hear "well you never have an opinion on ANYTHING." Then I lash back, then I get told I'm a *****.

It feels like you (meaning I) can't win. If you take the lead, you're bossy. If you let them take the lead, you end up relinquishing your own voice.

well that was no help.

My car passenger concern is driving in snow or rain and the driver not turning on the wipers, when he's drunk, and it's dark, and he's driving 80 miles an hour, and puking out the window.

good post, shirley. i had a long and rambling reply typed and the damned post gremlin ate it. but it pretty much went along with yours.

i don't know what to tell you, LMo....shut up and do it or raise holy hell!!! i'm sorry..i realize that isn't much help.

I think he should've told you right away what had happened to the latch since I'm sure he's aware of how safety-cautious you are by now.

Maybe sitting him down now and telling him that next time it happens to let you know immediately. I think there should be some communication about this and tell him (even if he already knows) how important it is to you to know that you are safe and everything is working correctly, such as the latch.

Sorry if I can't give any more advice.

LMo,
It sounds to me that you are very caring towards your husbands problems, and think too much about upsetting him.

I think you have a right to be upset about this. You have feelings too.

In my opinion, could you let him know about your own anxieties in a calm way.
Perhaps sit down together over a cup of tea and say to him that you need to feel secure at home, and why.
If he gets in a huff, just repeat what you have said in a calm way.

as a woman, i stand behind your right to be upset and indignant that he did not tell you (nor did he fix the latch). i'm sure he knows that you are security conscious. my ex knew that i was and he ignored things also. it was a HUGE issue between us. i was the one that installed all of the gate locks and ordered a security system in the house and a motion sensor for the cattle guard.

is there a possibility that he is being a bit manipulative because he knows that you're sensitive to his illnesses and he might just be skating along on that???? then turns it onto you. r.j. always turned everything on me. after all, he saved lives and was a legend in his own mind. i'm not trying to paint your husband with the same brush that i am painting my ex with...just musing. xoxoxo pat

Well, LMo, I think he should've kept quiet if he felt the need, but at the least, fixed the dang thing. There wouldn't have been an issue at all if he'd done that. Accidents happen, but he shouldn't repaired it and not left it open for 5 days.

I think you have right ot be upset about this one.

Love,

KD

Wow - you guys are so cool. I can't believe how many people gave me thoughtful responses in the short period of time I was gone (I jogged to the hardware store and back -- got my exercise in and solved the latch problem in one fell swoop). I feel much better now, thanks to venting, your caring responses, and getting out of the house for a few minutes. In fact, I look back at my post and think "what a frigging whiner I am". He's a great guy and I should be thankful that he's in my life and not depressed. And that he's not Shirley's ex...

I don't know. This has been a tough issue for me in adult relationships. I'm NOT afraid of confrontation by nature, but I've scared people off by being that way and at this point, I second-guess myself in my relationships. Add that to me marrying two highly sensitive people and it's a mess. I remember -- GOD, I should have realized what a big red flag this was -- one of my first dates, maybe the fifth or sixth, with my ex-husband. We were at a really good greek restaurant and were waiting for our food to arrive. We were kind of glowy and feeling a lot of passion for each other, flirting heavily, and then he smiled and said "you would have a smashing body if you lost 30 pounds!"

what.

WHAT?????

Ok, now in retrospect, he was just being a stupid guy who doesn't realize how sensitive women can be about their bodies. And he also had no idea that if I would have lost 30 pounds, I would be emaciated -- 15 pounds maybe, but not 30. But anyway, I didn't know how to react - I was really shocked - nobody had ever said anything like that to me before, and certainly not in that context. I was so shocked, that uncharacteristically, I didn't say anything. Nor could I eat when my food arrived. The waitress asked if there was anything wrong with my food, and I numbly said "he just told me I could stand to lose 30 pounds." She glared at him and took my plate away. We got to the car and HE STARTED CRYING and said that I was so mean to tell her that, and that he was only trying to help me and now I'm criticising him blah blah blah. I ended up comforting HIM and telling him it was okay, I was wrong to have mentioned it to her, I'm not upset about what he said... UGH. WTF? Why did *I* apologize to *him*? My therapist (male) said I should have dumped my food over his head and walked out. But see? That's my relationship problem... that's what I keep doing in my relationships. Even now, even though I know better.

I can't believe I just dredged up an example from over 13 years ago. Geesh. Let it go already, LMo.

I think that the real answer is coming to me too late -- I should stay away from sensitive people. It's like trying to mix oil and water - I am not good for them. I hurt them, but in trying NOT to, I end up hurting myself. It's happened here at PC a number of times, and this is the LAST place I should be hurting people. Of course, I love my husband and I could never end the relationship now, but probably the smart thing to do would have been to recognize it early on and to have stayed away. I should have stuck to my own kind, and left him open to date people who are less... critical? controlling? than I am.

Dunno

But I do thank you for your thoughtful comments and feedback. You are all so sweet. I'm open to changing myself however I can to make our relationship truly healthy, but I am trying to be careful of the short-term solutions I've been prescribing to up until now. I also have to realize that just because my way is "right" for me, it will take work on both of our parts to make our relationship successful.

Please remind me of this every time I think about cutting back on therapy -- I obviously need a lot more of it!

I think if he was maybe kind of scare of your reaction because he broke the latch and he knows how security is important to you, he should have fixed it right away. This is the point I don't get, why didn't he fixed it? He could have and you wouldn't even have noticed. Why did he waited until you noticed? I think this is what you have to concentrate on. Why did he waited?

For the driving, my husband thinks he is immortal and he drives very unsafe. It's scary being a passenger when he is the one driving. He will get very angry if you tell him to go slower or be more careful. He feels I'm telling him what to do. Over the years I have stopped telling him but I never knew if I would get out of the car alive. Since last summer sometime he doesn't stop at a red light or a stop sign so I told him only one sentence: " You have my life between your hands when your driving, if you kill me, you better have a very good excuse for the children." He is a bit more careful now. At least he stopped at red light. Sometime I think they don't reliased they have our life between their hands.

I think it is alright to let some things go when living with someone else. It is also alright that you see his sensibility but what is not alright is when your life is in danger because of him. Like the driving.

Do not get mixed up between love and pity because if you do, you will lose. I know I'm the loser in my relationship.

I hope I haven't said too much!

Wow, time0 - this was really good insight. Thank you

I was especially struck by this one sentence: "Do not get mixed up between love and pity because if you do, you will lose."

You're absolutely right about that. 100% right.

What is it about guys and driving, anyway? It's appearing to be more common than I realize. The way you described your husband is EXACTLY what I go through with mine, and what I went through with my ex-husband (who was far more passive-aggressive.)

About why my husband didn't fix the latch? I don't get it either. That's why I acted surprised -- as I said, I don't care if I make (or he makes) mistakes, as long as the progress continues. I think he made a mistake and froze. That's how he reacts. In fact, I'm wondering if that's why the yard work episode ended, not to be continued over the following days off. He spent the rest of his time reading magazines, sleeping on the couch, riding his bike, and watching the olympics. Drives me nuts, but again, it's better than having him be depressed. I don't dare say anything anymore, even though I continue to be frustrated about being the main breadwinner, financial manager, housekeeper, cook, and health/social organizer.

You raise a good point, Pat, about the possibility of manipulation. I know that I felt very manipulated by my ex-husband. The alligator tears were a great distraction to cover up his gaffes. I don't believe my husband is manipulative, though. I resent that I can't react the way he does and get away with it (how childish does THAT sound) but I do believe that his heart is always in the right place. We don't actually talk about his d(x) much and I've never heard him use it as an excuse. Most of the justification comes from me after observing him over the past 6 years.

It's a great point - I'll give you that.

Here's another possibility--maybe he broke the latch but wasn't sure how to fix it. Instead of getting right on it, he decided to take a break. After a little while, he forgot all about it--until you confronted him on the phone. You're already upset and panicking and confronting him with his lack of understanding your feelings, so he's not going to admit that he forgot about it, it would only make him look worse.

It might be pretty far out, but I could honestly see this happening with me. In fact, I can remember a similar situation...which I won't go into for fear of being torn apart by the people who have already responded!

By the way, I totally agree with your therapist about what you should have done to your -ex after that weight comment.

You know what, somebody needs to design a dating site for people like us. Punch in your mental disorders and they'll match you up with someone compatible based on that.

Ben - you very well could be right about that. He can be an airhead at times - our T would call it ADD (I have to say that I'm not convinced of the d(x) but who am I to second-guess).

Eh, well I have a new latch on it now. And the alarm stays on. It's just frustrating that my feelings always seem to take a back seat to those who are more sensitive than I am. I can blow it off 90% of the time, or maybe more accurately, 3 weeks out of the month.

Onward and upward...

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wi_fighter said:
You know what, somebody needs to design a dating site for people like us. Punch in your mental disorders and they'll match you up with someone compatible based on that.

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