[maymie]

My mom and I have always had a volatile relationship. We are close but yet I'm the first person she seems to take everything out on. That is how she is, she finds someone to dislike/hate. Everyone takes a turn being thrown under the bus by her, more so me as I live with her. And boy can she be mean.
Right now I live at home. I had to move back due to money. When I got back I offered her money and told her I'd help pay for things but she told me to save my money. So I did. Then she got hooked up with this worthless piece of crap of a boyfriend and he basically bled her dry and still is doing so. He is very mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. She won't leave him and won't make him pay. So again I tried to give her money and again she told me to save my money. The thing is that every time she gets angry she throws a fit and tells me the list of things she is paying for me, which makes me so mad because it isn't like I haven't offered a million times to give her money.
The other day she got mad because she was the one having to deal with my taxes so I told her that I would be more than happy to take care of them and that I had planned to. Last night I told her that I would take them in and take care of them. She then told me what a selfish person, not the word she used, I was and she couldn't believe that I would take what little bit of money from her she was entitled to for helping me out.
I get married in August so I won't have to put up with her too much longer but my nerves are starting to become raw so to speak.
She is extremely unhappy and takes it out on everyone around her. Her mood can change at the drop of a hat.
My question(s)s are, how do i deal with her? Do I give her money even though when I try she tells me not to? How much do I give her? What do I do if she tells me no, especially for the next time she decides to throw it in my face? I feel like I can't win with her. If I don't give her money she gripes about how I'm living there rent free and not helping for a thing, even though I do clean house for her and have a part time job. If I try and give her money then she tells me to keep it and save it.

[Irreplaceable]

If she won't take cash, do it another way...Buy groceries and bring it home...Put some money on the light or gas bill...If she's the type to say "no", then don't hand her the cash, apply the money however you want without telling her until the deed is done...If she asks you why you did it, just tell her you are paying your way...
When she goes into her rants, tune her out and leave the room...Don't take it personal because I'm assuming this is just the way she is...Stick it out...Give her money don't offer it...My father is like this, and this is how I handle him...In fact, I don't even ask him for money at all..If he offers, I say, "No thanks, I don't want anything thrown up in my face when you get upset"....

[roads]

Check the going rate for house cleaning in your area & work backward from there. Pay her by check so her worthless boyfriend doesn't get the money, or deposit the money into her acct & give her the slip. Don't try to deal with her--thank her for letting you live there till your wedding, hug her, tell her you love her. Don't defend yourself. Don't try to explain yourself. Expect less of her at this point.

I hope the marriage works & you grow into a healthy & cuddly love.

[maymie]

Thank both for the replies.
Irriplaceable, the idea of putting it on her bills or something is a very good idea. I didn't think about it.
Roadie, I like what you said about putting money into her account so her boyfriend won't get it. Thats kind of another problem I have with her, the money I give her doesn't go towards bills it goes towards his beer and cigarettes.
Thanks again.

[Perna]

I don't understand how you have money and want to give it to your mom but aren't just living on your own/with a roommate/s and paying for your own things yourself? If you are an adult and/or not in school, your mother cannot claim you on her taxes, you have to fill your own out.

If you have a "plan" you are working on, saving X dollars for when you get married, then do that and to heck with what your mother says; you can chalk it up to her need to complain and inability to do so about the man in her life. Don't take it personally.

If you are just sort of saving money and/or spending it when you want something like restaurant/food, paying cell phone bills, etc. and waiting around to get married so you can get away then I would make a plan instead and figure out how to behave more responsibly so when I got married I would know how to save/budget money and would have a job, etc. Having and working a plan will take the sting out of anything your mother says as you will know what you are doing and why and what you want and your mother isn't part of that.

If your mother won't accept your money and you want her to, do the chore of going to the grocery store and filling the kitchen/refrigerator with food and cooking meals for the two of you for a week or something practical like that. Take over the things she complains about having to pay for you (if she is in fact paying them), with the exception of "rent" you should be able to pay what you owe, at least in kind (like groceries) or through work (cleaning the house, doing the dishes, keeping things picked up, doing laundry/changing beds, cleaning the bathrooms, etc.). She can only complain about what is there to complain about. If you are living there rent-free, figure out how to pay for your upkeep some other way.

[JLarissaDragon]

I wonder if she is trying to help alleviate her unhappiness with her boy friend. I cannot see what she can see in the slug either, but some women strangely enough cannot see when they are being abused. I think that by stocking the shelves and refrigerator with food you can help her out a lot, since she will not take payment for rent etc. Just paying bills like utilities etc too might work. It will give her less to throw in your face when she is upset