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#1
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I'm hoping to find someone who is in a similar situation and can help me...My depression killed my spouse's desire to be "here" for our marriage. He had to chose during 12 years of my depression whether to stay or go. He choose to stay, but he stayed for the kids.
One and a half years ago, through the grace of God, I began to recover from my depression. I am a different person. It's like the old me died. He is proud of my progress but says he can't help but feel he is looking over his shoulder all the time thinking I'm going to spiral into depression again. He says it's like living with someone that had an addiction. Unfortunately, this is preventing him from loving me deeply, which I so want him too again. I knew that it may take time, maybe a long time, before he could trust and have faith in my recovery. It is just so hard to not know if he will every get to that point. It is hard to have hope that this will happen, because the depression and difficult choice he had to make really changed his perspective. I almost feel like he is trapped...here for his kids' happiness and not his. Maybe not ever being able to love someone completely, without "looking over his shoulder". And I face the possibility that my need to be loved deeply and completely will never be fulfilled again. We do love each other very much. I feel like it's my turn now to be unfulfilled and grieving over the "loss" of my spouse. He has had to change and adapt to be able to stay in our home. for him it was like the woman he married was no longer there. Depression had taken her away. Now I have to adapt to the reality that he may never be able to fill my need to be completely loved. He has 12 years of living with a depressed spouse that took a tremendous toll on him... and he really is trying to get "past the past". The last year has been really good for our relationship. I continue to move forward. I will never go back to where I was. I am conscious of the past, but don't dwell on it. I am truly grateful for this second chance I have been given. I know I have to keep being patient. It is just hard in the meantime - I just don't know how to get past this hole in my heart. And what if the patience ends up being for nothing if he can't get past the hurt I caused him? thanks if you stuck with me and actually get what I am getting at. Sometimes rambling on helps whether anyone gets it or not. It's hard to sum up the issues of a 20 year relationship and make it understandable. ![]() |
![]() Harley47
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#2
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I know it has to be hard right now, just waiting and watching...but things can only go on an upward swing from where they were, you know?
![]() ![]() God bless, and I hope things go well for you. |
![]() todayistheday
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#3
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I do understand. One way to help through those tough times may be to focus on the positive. Face the sorrowful part (uncertainty of the trust) and acknowledge it's existence. Then put it in your pocket and wear your victory around your neck (your second chance). Because what you have overcome truly is a huge victory!!!
People are always telling me not to worry about it until there is something to worry about. Does that work for you? Honestly, as true as I realize it is, it doesn't always work for me... But SOMETIMES it does. And usually those are the times when I have a supporting friend to remind me to keep my chin up. Communication... Have you talked with your spouse about this fear you have? Perhaps if you put it out in the open, you two can take steps together towards the healing, which may fill you with more confidence if you have some say in it's progression. I wish you the very best. ![]() |
![]() todayistheday
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#4
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I truly understand YOUR perspective. What I don't get is HIS problem! I thought a LOVING partner was supposed to be supportive and loving thru thick and thin! I thought his vows said "thru sickness and health." Would YOU have loved HIM less if HE had gone thru this? Somehow I doubt it.
![]() What's with this guy? Can't he understand what YOU went thru? Does he think it was a carnival for YOU? Doesn't he understand the suffering you went thru? Does he only think about himself? He sounds like a very selfish man to me. ![]() I'm sorry, but I don't have much sympathy for this guy. In fact, he ticks me off. How DARE he imply that he had to CHOSE to either stay or go during those 12 years -- but he chose to stay for the KIDS. Well whoopee. Sorry. But he gets my goat. You deserve better than this crumb. YOu have my prayers. God bless & please take care. You've done great! Hugs, Lee |
![]() todayistheday
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