[alice.clark]

I've suffered from severe social and generalized anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. It wasn't until a few years ago that I sought help. After a year, my anxiety was much more manageable and I've been doing very well ever since. I was able to complete university and get a job in customer service, of all things. I was recently promoted and am enjoying it thoroughly.

My problem is, for all the progress I've made, dating seems to be my one area left to tackle. I have never dated before in my life. There is a guy from work and we've been friends since I started there. Since I was promoted, we've been getting to know each other better. A week ago, we went to a movie with my brother and his girlfriend and we had a great time. The next week, we did the same thing. The problem is, we work at the only theatre in town, so people notice pretty quickly when you're socializing outside of work hours. We both work minimum (or near minimum) wage jobs, so it's more convenient to just go to a show, as we get in for free. I've just started to have mini-panic attacks again. I think it's just the pressure of trying to figure out what dating is as I've never done it before and knowing that everyone at work is aware of it.

I know the obvious is to not hang out at the theatre, but aside from that, how do you cope with the extra attention and questions? Is there a better way to deal with this anxiety?

[Perna]

Look at the situations you are in from a longer term, are you going to marry this guy? You don't know yet, that would take quite a bit more time to know. So, while you are learning more about him and he, about you, enjoy the process.

Currently you are going to see movies with a coworker you enjoy. You do not have to worry about whether he wants to kiss you until you are alone and he acts like he wants to kiss you. You do not have to worry about what other people will say about you hanging around with him, as you say, you're only going to a movie! When your mind starts to try and panic, remember where you are and that whatever is scary is not happening yet!

I would start a little journal, as if you are doing a homework assignment on "dating" and I'd sit after each time out with the guy and write down everything that happened, that you felt and thought, etc. Knowing that you are keeping this "journal", perhaps the worse symptoms of anxiety will wait and/or look forward to getting beyond the date to the journal? It is like a scary dream when you are recording your dreams, it becomes interesting, looking at the symbols instead of the fear/scariness being your focus; make the process of dating this guy and what you are "learning" the focus instead of the individual, scary parts being so.

[shezbut]

(((alice.clark)))

I agree with Perna, regarding journaling to relieve some of the anxiety. Writing in a journal could help a lot in getting yourself to see what you're really afraid of and then you can look at the situation more logically.

For example: let's say that you're afraid of being kissed. Your panicked mind then goes off in a tangent about not knowing how to kiss right, you feel stupid, you'll look stupid and he won't want to see you again, what if he wants more than a kiss, how do you handle that? On and on......

The right thing to do if that were the case, be honest with the guy, when he goes in for a kiss. Tell him it's your first. He'll naturally go more slowly and gently. You won't look dumb or laughable. And if he wants more than a kiss, then he's going to have to wait until both of you are ready and willing to go to the next level. Honestly, all decent guys will wait until the girl is ready before moving on.

Point is, get to the core problem. What is really scaring you? It's a simple little thing (and if we don't face that fear, it becomes amplified into dozens of other fears). You've got to break the fears down into statements that you can address. Like: afraid you'll turn him off. How? By laughing nervously. Sweaty palms. What should you do? Admit that you're nervous for some reason to "Joe". He'll probably laugh too and say that he's felt the same. Now you can relax a little bit, because you've let that anxiety out. Keep going down your list of anxieties & be sure to write what works down. That way you can refer to your list when these fears pop up again. Use that to reassure yourself that you'll make it through again.

Best wishes to you!