[IceCreamKid]

A friend of mine suggested I post this to the forum. Someone I know is in an extremely odd situation and she seems to be seeking reassurance that what she is doing isn't odd. But it is; and it makes me uncomfortable to feel as though I am being coerced into pretending that things are normal. When someone tells you bizarre stuff do you just nod and smile and act like everything is normal or do you express your real opinion that what the person is expressing is weird and unhealthy and unpleasant to listen to? For me it is a trigger because when I was growing up I was forced to act as though everything was normal when it wasn't. When it is a random stranger I can smile and nod and go on, but I must put up with this 2-3 days a week.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

she seems to be seeking reassurance that what she is doing isn't odd. But it is; and it makes me uncomfortable to feel as though I am being coerced into pretending that things are normal.

Welcome to countertransference! You may be picking up on her own feelings of "being coerced in pretending that things are normal." Your friend may in fact be trying to off-load these uncomfortable feelings onto you so she doesn't have to feel them. I would see it as a cry for help, as I have been in her situation, and would have appreciated my friends helping me get out of the situation, not pushing me into it. It's not one they would have settled for, but for some reason it was good enough for me? Harsh!

Is she asking you for advice or just offloading? Either way if your not comfortable being involved in the situation i would say so. Your wellbeing is important too so i would give her a list of helpline numbers if she wants them and make it very clear that you still want to be her friend and will be there to support her in other ways. I would rather someone say they weren't able to help me with a certain problem then just nod along and pretend their happy to listen or talk about it. Perhaps you could ask if she would be comfortable seeing a counsellor or someone similar? You could just explain that your worried for her wellbeing and that someone who is able to provide more professional support might be the best option for her. Good luck.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

For me it is a trigger because when I was growing up I was forced to act as though everything was normal when it wasn't.

I don't know, without examples, whether I would have trouble with what your person is telling you or not. But, I think what bothers one the most is our own thinking/believing that what we are hearing is odd and unpleasant to us and not knowing what to say, either way. It does not really matter whether the other person wants reassurance or not; we don't know what to say, period, because it is odd/bizarre/uncomfortable hearing for ourselves.

If someone prefaced something with, "Do you think this is odd. . ." and told me something I did indeed think was odd, I'd just say "Yes," and change the conversation. If it was something I did not enjoy hearing, I would maybe elaborate some and say, "Yes, I think it is odd and I don't enjoy hearing about this sort of subject," and change the subject.

I would never comment on the person and what I thought of them for doing/talking about the subject or presume to know why they were telling me what they were telling me but I bet that after a few switches of the conversation, they would find someone else to tell their tales to. I would not express any emotional displeasure (as they may be enjoying my discomfort) but would be a bit "stern" but matter-of-fact in my emphasis on not wanting to hear anymore.

If you otherwise need to work with this person or like them okay, I would make sure that you express those emotions (compliment them, smile, otherwise talk with them during spare time) so they "learned" to differentiate subjects you did not enjoy from those you did not.

[gma45]

I would let them know you find it uncomfortable and do not wish to hear it. Be honest but not too judgmental. Take care

[specialeffects]

All of the above suggestions/ questions sound approriate for as far as you have gone in your example/explanation. Prolly don't need to know the details, but whenever I am put in an odd position to have an opinion,?, I usually go with my first thought/reaction. i.e. . make a face of , your kidding me right??, then lighten it to a, you really want my opinion,?, after that,say what you think. If someone wants to drag you into their world/thought place,?, I couldn't or nor would I ,see an obligation, to apease.

[kitten16]

It sounds like she's seeking your approval for an alternative lifestyle. You don't give much detail, so - is she willingly participating in things you find distasteful, or is she being victimized?

If she's being victimized, she might need your help.

Strange that she knows about this forum but doesn't want to post here. That would indicate that she's feeling a bit lost or troubled by what she's going through.

If she's just bragging about outrageous stuff or trying to shock you with her lifestyle, kick her to the curb! There's nothing more off-putting than a person who talks non-stop about herself. And in this case it's worse, because she apparently thinks she's wowing you with outrageous adventures you could only dream of. Sounds like narcissistic preening and self-obsession. People like that are nauseating.

I think it's totally okay to tell her she's triggering you. That way, if you need to terminate the friendship, you can say "It's not you, it's me."

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

A friend of mine suggested I post this to the forum. Someone I know is in an extremely odd situation and she seems to be seeking reassurance that what she is doing isn't odd. But it is; and it makes me uncomfortable to feel as though I am being coerced into pretending that things are normal. When someone tells you bizarre stuff do you just nod and smile and act like everything is normal or do you express your real opinion that what the person is expressing is weird and unhealthy and unpleasant to listen to? For me it is a trigger because when I was growing up I was forced to act as though everything was normal when it wasn't. When it is a random stranger I can smile and nod and go on, but I must put up with this 2-3 days a week.

[IceCreamKid]

Thanks for the replies.