Husband Wants to Live Apart Temporarily

I guess I can start off with quitting my job last August 2005. I was so bored! Anyway that is when things started going downhill. We didn't have that extra income, so my husband, I think, is holding that against me. That leaves his income to cover all our bills. You see, he's an alcoholic also, so his "needs" have to be met first. He has told me not to worry about working...he will take care of things. Well, now we are getting kicked out of or home because we got behind on rent (there again because of that missing 2nd paycheck). When he left for work this morning, here's what he said to me..."I was going to talk to you about this when I got home tonight, but here goes...I think we should live apart for awhile so we can work our problems out." (Me)"What?" You wanna split up?" (He)"Well, just to work things out. It seems we are fighting ALL the time." Now I thought in order for a couple to work things out, they had to be TOGETHER? He said we will discuss it more when he gets home. What should I do? I love him with all my heart. I don't want to be apart from him. Do I give him his space. Is it because we are going thru a tough time now? I feel as though he is abandoning me at a critical time when we should be pulling together. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I feel for you, an alcoholic husband, getting kicked out of your place, a separation in the works, you must be at your wit's end..I would suggest couples therapy, suggest it to him, see what he says. If you have the love in your heart, that's the best way to approach it. I just quit my job too and am also going through struggles. We love you here, you have come upon a community that cares deeply. When does your husband get home and what did he say to counseling? Keep us informed.

I know how devastating it is to hear those words -- I heard them also seven years ago. My opinion is YES - give him space if he asks for it. Nothing good ever comes of denying people the space that they need. However, that leaves YOU with the challenge of how to keep yourself together in the meantime.

In order to work things out as a couple, each of you needs the time and reflection to know what you want as individuals. I think that's what he is saying when he said he wants to separate so that you two can work things out. Clinging to him after he says something like that will do NO good -- you'll either get him to stay out of guilt and then he'll resent you, or else he'll go anyway and you'll have given away whatever control you have left. By this, I mean that if you "let" him go, then he's not exactly abandoning you -- you're consenting to it. If you beg him to stay and he goes anyway, then I guarantee you're going to take it much harder.

I think that the focus right now should be on the practical things - getting a job and figuring out where to live.

Tina, once again, I'm really sorry - I know how much pain you are in because I've been there, too. Hang in there, ok?

Hi Tina

I agree completely with LMo. I think that if you were to say to him,"Ok, go ahead and have your space" you will show him that you are capable of taking care of yourself. That may turn out to be a great thing in the future. If you don't have a future then at least you can say that you stood your ground. After all you are a person in need of love and attention as well.
Just my thoughts.