[nortycat]

I have been dating " Jane" for about five months. We have had a wonderful relationship until about three weeks ago. It seems that every time we talk on the phone there becomes an issue, and we argue. Just on the phone, when we are together in person, we seem to get along fine. Unfortunately, we live far apart and can only see each other on the weekends, so the phone is the way we communicate during the rest of the time.

"Jane" has had some very rough relationships in the past ( including abuse, abandonment, beatings) and I think this is hurting our relationship. She has trust issues, takes things out of context, becomes very combative if you do not agree or say the " right" things to her. I am almost afraid to say anything to her on the phone for fear she will take it the wrong way.

I really love this woman, and it is frustrating to be " wrong" all the time, even if I have to abandon my own personal feelings in order to attempt to placate her. Which seldom works.

I am afraid she had become clinically paranoid, due to the abuse she has endured in the past, and I don't know how to remedy this. Please help me, as I don't want to lose her.

[Helloanxiety]

Hi nortycat, I know what it's like to be with a paranoid person and I know that it can destroy relationships. Some advice for you is that you must be strong as the paranoia may become unbearable to the point of leaving her, no matter how much you love her. Try and research paranoia and then you could learn more about how she feels and what she's going through, understanding your partners problems can be a great help to finding the solution. Of course it's not all up to you, she needs to try and get some help, perhaps counselling or drug therapy, to ease the paranoia. It will take participation from you both to make it all work. Hope everything ends up fine and remember through it all that you do love her.

[brokenandalone1234]

I have the same problem expect its with myself. I have major trust issues. I am engaged to a good man. I have been abused and abanoded in the past. My dad left when I was young and my sister's dad who adopted me drinks a lot. My mom smokes pot everyday. I have never really had a stable home. I don't trust anyone. I can say from experience that giving her time to trust you and not yelling when you get in fights really helps. If you yell at her when you fight she will break down. She will get scared. Also when your fighting don't ever hang up on her that will just feed into her trust issues. The best way to deal with it when she gets scared or paranoid is find out why she is scared or paranoid and say "Babe I love you and I want to help you through this if you don't want to talk right now I understand but when you are ready to talk I am here for you." It may take a while for her to open up to you but trust me it will help to make her trust you more. If you come off as caring and understanding it will really help.

[LazyLogophile]

I can relate to this as well. I think A LOT of women have trust issues, and I have met my fair share of men who do, too. Here is what worked for me when I was dealing with my trust issues in a relationship, and it really helped over time. If you are willing to spend the time and energy working through her problems WITH her, you can definitely make it work.

When talking on the phone, or through email, or any long-distance communication with no face-to-face interaction, it is easy for the other person to get lost in their perception of what you are saying, rather than actually hearing you. I would suggest talking to her very calmly the next time you see her. Let her know you want to sit down and have a heart to heart. She will probably like that, as most women enjoy intimacy and emotional bonding. Do not tell her you want to do this in advance, thereby giving her time to brood and come up with all sorts of stories and reasons why you would ask to have a heart to heart. Just do it the day you see each other.

Start off with the positives. You love her, you want to continue having a relationship with her, and you want to work out your feelings and be honest with her so you both will be able to enjoy each other more and get back to the good stuff. You want her to feel safe and secure in the relationship, and talking out problems will help her do that. Then gently let her know that you feel like she might be getting paranoid and insecure while the two of you are apart. Let her know that you understand where these feelings come from, and are willing to work through them with her, but that she has to acknowledge them and deal with them in order for the two of you to really move forward and have a healthy, happy relationship. If that is what she wants, she will be glad you brought it up and will be willing to work through it, so long as you refrain from sounding abrasive or blaming her for anything. The approach is that you want to work on the relationship, not fix her problems. Let her know that you might be doing things that trigger her insecurities, that it's not just her, and that you are also willing to do some work on yourself. This will make her feel less singled-out. Then just tell her what she does, and how it makes you feel. FEEL is an important word here. "When you accuse me of ___, I feel defensive and hurt. I want you to trust me, and know that I would never intentionally hurt you. How can I help you feel more safe in this relationship?" It's a start. This conversation is one that has to be had over and over again to make progress. After you have had the conversation, she will enevitable feel insecure at some point in the future while you are on the phone with her, and at that time you can gently point it out. "You are accusing me again. Why? What is really bothering you? Remember when we talked about this? Tell me what you are really thinking, or what is scaring you right now so we can work on it."

This is what worked with ME. I'm no therapist, but I personally think therapy isn't the only answer. Therapists are there to help someone work through their problems, not solve their problems for them. If you are able to sort things out without therapy, then you are saving yourself a lot of money, which is good :-) If, however, nothing seems to be working, then her issues may be too deep for you to help her with, or for her to help herself with, and therapy is definitely necessary at that time.

Those are just my thoughts. I hope they help! Good luck to you. I know that trust issues are painful for both parties involved, so I send hugs to you and your girlfriend and wish you both the best.

*hugs*

[selfishgene]

Hello, i came on here for the exact opposite of you. You are in my boyfriends shoes. I have been with him 4 years now and we only see each other at the weekends as i am now at uni. It's a really hard one because i have no past and i am i guess naturally paranoid and quite obessive and i assume like you my boyfriend has done absolutely nothing that should make me feel this way but for some messed up reason my brain goes into overdrive thinking of things that a ridiculously irrational.
But only seeing your partner at weekend is horrible as you have to do more trusting and less knowing exactly what there up to. It would nice to talk to you about some stuff as I would love to have an insight into how im affecting my boyfriend in a similar way to how your girlfriend is affecting you and i hope i could give an insight into how your girlfriend is feeling
email if you fancy a chat