[Justme_55]

My husband and I were briefly separated last year for a few months or so and I realized that I spent so long trying to just get him to be a part of the marriage and be my spouse that now he has changed I dug myself a rut of trying to help him so much so I completely neglected my own personal well being and happiness. I have no friends to speak of and have become an isolated hermit. He was so psychologically damaging for years and I wasn't "allowed" to have friends and the ones I did keep are never as good as him in his eyes. Those few months I was confused but the happiest I had ever been for a while. I didn't have to answer to him at all and only had to worry about my son and myself. Allowing him back into the house on a good merit term it almost made me feel satisfied for those few months knowing he was hurting and that he realized how badly he hurt me, I'm not sure giving my marriage another go was the right choice. It feels like at this point I spent so long just trying to get him to let me love him that now it's like the damage is done. I'm going to do a 4th and 5th step on him because my resentment is poison to me, I keep internalizing it hoping it will pass then something will happen and I can't but seeth through my teeth my animosity for all he did to me and all he didn't do. A day at a time I guess, I just keep hoping I can get that desire for him back, now it seems I just can't care... I think I may file for divorce if I can't change this anger for him.

[Open Eyes]

Justme 55 do you have a therapist that you can talk to about all these feelings? It sounds to me like you really need to understand how to really look at this and pull it all apart so you can make a choice that you can live with without blaming yourself. Sitting down with a therapist maybe even a therapist that deals with marriage issues should be the first step to make sure that your making the right decision.

From what your saying, it sounds like the man you are married to has demanded all your attention and even isolated you, picked apart all your friends and now you don't have anyone close to confide in. But it is important that you understand why/how you may have allowed this to take place somehow. After all, you don't want to repeat this problem with someone else either.

I just think that getting advise before you finalize your decision would be the best option right now.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

I am in the same situation.But,my children are now grown.Supposed to file on monday.What does your heart tell you.What are the reasons you'd choose working it out? What are the reasons for not wanting to?

I understand the resentment eating at you.Is sounds as if the relationship is currently toxic.

How much of you believes he really could change?

Then,of course there is your child to consider.And the child comes first actually.You were happy apart.Happy is healthy for the child.The child will never get their youth returned,and these formative years are crucial to the emotional health of the child and the relationship example.And try as we may...to hide the tension etc,the children are like radars for emotional atmosphere.I think the child needs to see one of two things.

Mind you ,I am pretty dysfunctional my self,but,my thoughts are....
1: Mom in therapy working through any existing issues,and moving on in as healthy/productive a manner as possible...and not involving the child in hearing negativity about the dad.....because it will manifest as the child reflecting on themselves."Maybe I am just like him" ,"If mom doesn't like/love him she may leave me if I am similar in any way"

or

2: Mom and dad in therapy with sincere intention of working through,still not involving the child in the adult issues of the marriage.If you feel that your interaction,during that time will impact the child,then the child needs to either be in therapy,or you two need to live separate while working through.But,imo....it is the child that matters most.How you handle this will impact him/her for the rest of their life.It will be an example of how to handle emotion in a healthy manner,and will cause the child to mirror what they see.

A link that may be helpful is http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

I would sooner consider the link,than I would consider my personal views.May you be well,and healthy.