[doggiedo]

I'm so annoyed, I just typed this long thing and I deleted it by accident. Stupid computer.

ANyhow, my b/f is sick - he had a cold last week and now has the flusomething. I spent Sat and Sun at his place with him and his kids and it was great. I am not seeing him this week b/c he's sick and I don't want to get sick...AND I'm going to see my gram this weekend so I don't want to get her sick. Soo..he's all like... "I miss you, I don't know when we'll see each other.....I hate living so far away"

ANd to be honest - it's kinda turning me off. I know he's sick and not feeling well, but I get it - we live far away and there isnt anything I can't do anything about it. I am living my life, I miss him, but I am surviving! I don't know why he's not just dealing with it.

How do I be supportive and yet not be insensitive to him? It's just he's so sensitive..it's just a little much... It's also like I want to say " How long are you going to make me feel guilty that I don't live closer?"

[shezbut]

((doggiedo))

Not to be judgmental and too generalized, but, a lot of men do become kind of whiny when they're sick. It can be annoying. Irritating. And frustrating.

That said, just take a deep breath. Try to be more patient with your bf. I'm sure that he isn't trying to irritate you. He'll feel better soon, and hopefully, back off a little bit. If not, perhaps he's interested in actually living closer to one another for more regular contact. If that is the case, then you both can discuss whether or not you're both together on this subject.

Best wishes to you!

I don't know anything about you other than this post.

In fact, reading this post, I'm not sure I understand much about you or the situation. As far as I can tell, you're upset and he's upset, but about different things. I am not even sure how justified either of you are. I simply don't know.

What I can say is, I've always felt that too much emphasis is placed on how things are said, how things are phrased, how tactful they are, how the words come across, etc. It's entirely the wrong approach, imo. The instant you worry about things like rhetoric, the information itself becomes a political commodity. It turns from something that should be about openness, honesty into a device meant to manipulate someone else.

I know, I know, you're just 'protecting' his feelings. That's just code for 'controlling [possibly negative] reactions', which is still controlling behavior. You're attempting to control the outcome of a conversation and, inescapably, the person you're conversing with. This is not necessarily bad, imo, with certain types of relationships. For example, business associates, clients, vender, children, et al. I can even see certain family members being put into this group. You know, I think most conversations in life should be somewhat inequitable like this because most conversations involve negotiating with people who are not always concerned with how the outcome affects you personally. You have to protect yourself. Tact becomes very important in those relationships.

On the other hand, relationships with friends and especially boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives are entirely optional on your part. You have absolute control with who you let into that circle of trust. If you feel you have to control them to be happy, then why are you even with them? It points to a deeper problem, imo, that you do not entirely trust them, which makes you defensive, which makes you feel like you have to control the outcomes of conversations.

Certain types of relationships require a certain level of vulnerability on the part of both people. Maybe an arranged marriage would be the exception to this little rule of mine, but I am assuming that no one is forcing you to see this guy. The decision to be in this kind of relationship inherits a lot of responsibility on your part, imo. On both your parts. One of those is to be completely honest and you can't be completely honest if you're trying to control how things come across to him.

So yeah, I've always felt that too much emphasis is placed on how things are said. More emphasis should be placed on whether the sentiment, or idea, or conversation should even be asserted in the first place. It's all a grey area and this is another grey area for me as well, but that question gets answered when you ask yourself things like, "Why do I even want to bring this up?" "Would this conversation make our relationship more productive?" "Am I doing this for the right reasons?"

If you feel you're doing it for the right reasons, then it doesn't matter how you say it.

You're whoever you are. Everything you do, say or think will always be the unique version of whoever you are. Your words reflect your thoughts in a style that will always be recognizably you. You can't hide that in one conversation. If you make the mistake of sounding 'insensitive' in a conversation like this, then it's a theme that will just keep being repeated. Might as well let him get use to it. Might as well let him know what you really think either way.

It sounds to me like you both are still in the process of deciding if you really want to be together. So at least give each other the courtesy of making an informed decision by both being as genuine to yourselves as possible. That means, not giving this conversation a special status than any other and also not treating him like you would a customer at SEARS by giving him a bunch of canned lines to 'protect his feelings'. Just my two-cents.

[Flooded]

Manflu - pfftt!