Lied to my girlfriend now I want forgiveness

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I could convince her to let me gain her trust back? I have been to therapy, and now have new tools to be honest. I grew up in a house where lying was common, and like a secret between me and my mother. I also was punished unporpotionately to the things I did. ( I left my book bag on my floor, and I was grounded from all priveleges including my car for six months) I used to be terrified to fess up to things and would lie instead. I do not do this anymore, but I did it long enough for my partner to not trust me anymore. Any suggestions, comments, criticism is welcome and prefered.

"convince her to let me. . ." I don't think you need permission to work to gain her trust back; that's all you. But just like you can no longer be punished "proportionally" for leaving your book bag on the floor (I know that one; had all my clothes ripped out of the dresser and closet and thrown in the middle of the floor for not hanging up an item; my brother had it worse; his clothes were all thrown out of the second story window) you can practice honesty now, going forward and she may trust you again, in the future, on future subjects but if you lied, you lied. That's done and over.

Be a little less hard on yourself, you made a mistake. You are learning from your mistakes and are desirous of getting better at this honesty thing. That attitude is more helpful than beating your chest and begging forgiveness.

Of course there are bigger and smaller lies; if you chose to badly undermine the relationship and lied about that, good luck! Lying is the least of your problems. However, if you lied about leaving your book bag on the floor. . . then you both don't need forgiveness and need to learn the difference in weight of what one lies about, and how/why to "lie" in the first place because some things don't even deserve the thought of a lie.

Never choose your behavior out of what the other person is doing, thinking, might think or feel, etc. Too, know that your behavior is always yours and your "fault". It is your life. If it is your book bag, you can leave it on the floor and the other person gets to decide if they want to live with a slob or they would like to ask you to learn to pick up after yourself more often or if they are willing to pick up after you. As a child we do not have those choices because our parents are our sole support and we are "prisoners" of a sort, of them and our age/inexperience and lack of knowledge of how things work in the "real" world.

If you cheated on your girlfriend, you cheated. That is simple enough. Your girlfriend would probably have trouble with figuring out if you might cheat again, if you have changed, etc. If you lied about it; that just compounds the problem and it may/may not be the lying that bothers her more or less than the cheating but that needs discussing with her so you understand what the problem for her actually is. You would "know" your problem, you cheated and then lied. You have to decide, given all the information you can find about her thoughts and feelings and yours what you want to do next.

Knowing what you want (still not based on what she wants, her wants are just information for you, you may or may not have similar wants; she is in charge of working on getting what she wants for herself, not you, you are only responsible for yourself) you make a decision of how you want to act and that makes things a lot easier, moving forward.

Thank you. I did not cheat on her. I lied about putting money in a savings account, and how educated I was. I am very clear on what I want, and that is to work very hard at being a better person and gaining her trust back. I have also lied about trivial things almost as a reflex. Did fold the clothes or water the plants. I am also not sure how to approach obtaining information from her without upsetting her. I definitely appreciate your input, and would love more.

Anything she tells you about herself is "information". Her feelings about subjects, what she thinks, etc. We "match" it up with what we are thinking/feeling and then discuss differences, try to see the other person's point of view and explain about our own, etc. That conversation/interaction is what life is about and how we form our reality.

If we do not talk/discus/interact with others, we're in our head assuming things about the other and their actions and our assumptions are not based on anything other than our own little imagination/thoughts/feelings which are not their thoughts/feelings/experiences or reasons for doing whatever action it was.

If you are still in the relationship, you put the money in the savings account and give her the passbook to hold until you wish to put in more or take some out. If you would like to be more educated, you sign up for a course and start working on becoming as educated as you would like! Honest actions are the only way to show another you are honest.

Folding the clothes and watering the plants aren't worth lying about! As soon as the lie comes out of your mouth and you realize it is a lie, you do a Homer Simpson, "Doh! I didn't fold the clothes/water the plants yet; I'll go do it right now" and then you go do it right then. Or, you say, "No, I did not fold the clothes because I do not want to, I don't fold my clothes I just put them away jumbled; sorry, you'll have to fold your own clothes," or, "No, I did not fold the clothes yet, I'll do it right now". . .and you go do it.

There is no need to lie about "trivial" things or, if from habit you do for awhile, no need to maintain the lie once you realize you have lied. With each thing someone else asks you to do, think about whether you want to do it or not! If your girlfriend wants the clothes folded, that is her responsibility because she is the wanter! She should not be "telling" you to fold the clothes, she should be asking, "Will you fold the clothes?" and you should pay attention to yourself and what you want and feel before you answer. We did not want to fold the clothes as kids and didn't and got in trouble/lied about it (and then got in trouble, either way :-) but we did not really have a choice; we were (hopefully) learning that we have to do our share of keeping a household running, the trash needs taking out, the dishes need washing, the clothes cleaned and folded. No one gets a free ride but, as an adult, we get to choose what we want to spend our energy on and "why".

Someone who does not do their share of helping keep a household running is likely to get divorced, assuming they get a "partner" in the first place since wherever they are coming from will presumably be squalor and not very attractive :-) There are a lot of people who choose such a partner though and then get angry because they don't do their share. That's not fair. Often we do not ask someone to do something or have a discussion of what each person believes the tasks to be and how can we divide them up? I was taught (1950's and 60's) certain chores were "women's" work ("I've seen women complain about doing men's work and men complain about doing women's work but I've never seen the work complain about who did it!" ~ Lloyd Alexander in Taran Wanderer) and so I learned those chores and get to being a grown women and the poor men weren't taught nearly as much/well on how to keep a house but, suddenly, women decided they were not being helpful and were male chauvinists and it should be "obvious" what needed doing. That's not fair!

If you don't like folding clothes or watering plants, what do you want to do to help? Or, do you not want any of these things "done" and don't care? Sit down with your girlfriend and decide what chores need doing together and who will do them most of the time (don't set it in cement! The other person can do the dishes if they're the cook and the dishes aren't done that they want to cook with yet, just like the dish washer can decide they want to scramble a couple eggs for breakfast, and ask the cook, "Should I scramble some for you while I'm at it?"). But the biggest thing to remember is that what you want (clean dishes right after eating dinner) is not necessarily what someone else wants and is not "right" or "wrong", just the way we were taught and lived our life. If I can't let go of needing the dishes washed immediately after I eat, that is my problem, not my partner's. It took me quite awhile to work that principle out; my husband is "dishwasher" and I'm "cook" and often I'd go to make dinner and some item I "needed" for what I had decided to cook was dirty or in the dishwasher instead of the cabinet where I expected it and I'd feel resentful of the dishwasher :-) Who says the dishwasher has to do things my way? "Most" of the dishes were done in a reasonable time period after eating and that they were in the dishwasher, clean, instead of the cabinet, is just being picky to complain about? My way is not the only way to do things!

That you lied about things is not as bad as that you did not do them! Do those things, whether you lie about doing them or not! But, if you do them, you don't have to lie. If you think about and mean what you say and say what you mean, then you won't have to lie in the first place. It is okay to disagree or decide not to do something! Yes, the other person gets to decide on their action in response to your action but discussion about any subject is good! Just keep discussing (instead of arguing) and trying to understand the other person and what they want and letting them know about you; you are the only expert on you there is! If you don't fold clothes, they have to accept that; they can ask you to change but not demand or expect it. But they only have your word to go on about things you have done when they were not there/could not see. They have your actual actions when they are there/can see; if you had put the money in the savings account and then lied about it and she found out, she would have been puzzled, not angry -- it does not make sense?

I suggest you keep yourself focused on actions before there are questions :-) That will keep you from lying. If you say, "Yes, I will fold the clothes", pretend it is a race and fold them before someone asks, "Did you fold the clothes?" Make unpleasant tasks a game if you can. Your girlfriend is not your mother! Don't make any statement about the past that isn't true. Remember the actual action (the actual schooling you've had) will trump your words when it is found out and whatever you were going for (impressing her?) will backfire if you are not honest.