[Lifeistrulyaride]

I need to vent about this girl who I wanted to marry...she stepped into my life when I needed someone the most..when I was hung over my ex fiance..wanting to die..alone and single. This was in 2008. Memories with her were unforgettable. She was a beautiful person in my life. My best friend when I had none. And she fell for me. But I was messed up then. I drank heavily then. Vodka was my water. And I slept with some people I was not proud of. She got hurt and started seeing other girls..though..before I slept around..I found out that before she started talking to me she was dating around then as well..which changes my perspective.

To put this story real short.... There was me. There was her. She left and got in a relationship with a girl named Diane. I was single...and even more depressed because it hit me that I really liked her..now that she was gone. She knew this. While in a relationship with Diane..she cheated on her with me. But then she went back to Diane like nothing ever happened. She moved in with her and they moved 2 states away. I was now not depressed over my ex fiance..but now over this girl..who was my best friend. I wanted to be her girlfriend more than ANYTHING. But as much as she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me she could never leave Diane. Diane was physically and emotionally abusive towards her. She left marks..bruises..she gave her lacerations. It was horrible. I supported her the entire way because even though I always wanted to be more than a friend...I just was who I could be momentarily.

2 years later..after still staying in contact..she moved back to New Jersey, she called me crying while I was at work..and I helped her realize that someone who truly loves you should not say or do the things Diane did.. she moved back and was now 15 minutes away from where I lived. The thing was..I was in a troubled relationship at the time. I eventually broke out of it...but when I did she got into a new relationship with a girl Tiffany.

I found out that during one summer that she told me she loved me and whatnot..she also cheated on Diane with another woman named Stephanie. I felt used. And when she got with Tiffany I felt deceived. Like she had lied to me the whole time. No matter what she would not leave this girl for me.. that hurt me more than anything..if she really loved me she would have been with me in a heartbeat..right? Why would she tell me those things though...

She ended up cheating on Tiffany..with me.. and what makes it so horrible..is that she borrowed her girlfriend's car..to drive to see me..to what..cheat on her with me.. in the girl's car..I felt like trash afterwards. She never told her. And now they're "In love." I hope nobody judges me from this...but I know I have definitely learned from this all. It just still bothers me til this day.

She broke up with Tiffany once..it was her birthday weekend and I came home to see her..I gave her a bracelet for her birthday. And we made "love" For the first time we were both single..she told me she wanted to be with me..that she wanted to be at my college graduation..she'd be there for my birthday during the summer..that we would get to hang..and date..and be there for one another...

The next day I see pictures of them back together..and I text her asking..and yes they were back together. I felt SO DUMB. I still do. I feel used. And I hate her for not having the ****ing guts to tell me.

Regardless, I still want her in my life as my friend..though I know that's not the best idea. Her and Tiffany just moved miles away..to Ohio..together. And I'm done being used. I'm done with trying to be more than a friend. But it hurts me more than words can say..how much I already miss her.

We had a huge argument where she turned tables on me..saying how everything is my fault..how oh am I dating? How dare I date. How I'm a hypocrite..all these nasty comments..but deep down...I don't think she meant them..I don't think she meant that she never wants to talk to me ever again..though she's really the one that's trouble..all I've wanted was to be her girlfriend..but since that can't happen..and since now I can't allow that to happen..

I sent her one last message.. and since then I haven't said a word..and I won't ever.. I guess this is just really overwhelming. I love this girl as a friend.. I do. She hurt me more than anything..and she always has. She's thrown me around and used me as a rag doll. She's lied to me and deceived me.. but god...what I'd give to get one more hug..or a sign for her to show me that yeah she'd still want to be there for me as a friend..that's the least she could do.

How does someone just walk away from someone so important in life? After all that time..all those emotions..I could never in a millions years do that...but ****..it still hurts..even if I'm over her. It hurts that today was the day that she moved to Ohio..and that she didn't even think about seeing me before she left New Jersey.

Was I always just a memory...was I just so intriguing because she could never have me? Or that I could never have her? And then when she had the chance to have me..she got scared and left? Or did she never love me at all..

What should I do if she ever tries coming back in my life? That's my question I guess...just writing about her makes me cry.

[Perna]

It does not sound like either you or she are ready for a good, committed relationship; in addition to all her cheating she is cheating on other people with you; I can't see that she will quit her ways or that you are a good influence on her or even for yourself? No one else can use you, you have to allow them to. I think you should work on your own self esteem and then find a partner that will treat you right, based on how she treats herself and others.