[TerryL]

I have fought this all my life. I get so uncomfortable when interacting with most people face-to-face. I don't know how to react to what they are saying to me or even what expression to have on my face. I don't think I know who I am. Was I born this way or could it be related to my relationship with my mother? She was always nice to me and we loved each other but she never asked me anything about myself. I want so badly to understand what is going on and to find a way to overcome this. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don't have insurance so don't have a T...

[Tomjones]

Sounds like you could just be an introverted person. Despite what all the "outgoing" (read: annoying loud mouthed) people think it's not a bad thing..

[2bme]

I can relate. Same problem and it is not nice! More worried about how to react that you hardly know what is going on in conversation. I started with CBT (cognitive behavior therapy a while back with my T. While doing it, I could feel a difference, but we stopped to focus on more pressing stuff. I once found a online CBT course (free) but can't recall the name. Maybe try Google it? I think you can benefit from it.

I can relate. I feel totally uncomfortable when speaking with others in social situations: especially with first meetings (I am terrified). I feel so self-conscious and worried, I hardly recall the introduction or conversation. (I just want to get away)

I am - generally - OK, though, in the office with colleagues, or in a familiar setting with familiar people. But not always.

Also, with people I am not completely comfortable with, I measure my words very carefully. I would like to change that very much to where I can speak naturally and not worry about what's flying out of my mouth (for fear of offending others).

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Tomjones

Sounds like you could just be an introverted person. Despite what all the "outgoing" (read: annoying loud mouthed) people think it's not a bad thing..

I just find it hard to accept myself for who I am...

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by 2bme

I can relate. Same problem and it is not nice! More worried about how to react that you hardly know what is going on in conversation. I started with CBT (cognitive behavior therapy a while back with my T. While doing it, I could feel a difference, but we stopped to focus on more pressing stuff. I once found a online CBT course (free) but can't recall the name. Maybe try Google it? I think you can benefit from it.

Thank you 2bme-- I will look into the CBT. I'm glad to hear you understand where I am coming from but I am sorry you have the same issue. I think it would really help me also to explore the root cause of my low self-esteem. I have never discussed this with anyone before. It has been very freeing for me to even post this. I wish you all the best in trying to overcome this issue. I am right next to you.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I can relate. I feel totally uncomfortable when speaking with others in social situations: especially with first meetings (I am terrified). I feel so self-conscious and worried, I hardly recall the introduction or conversation. (I just want to get away)

I am - generally - OK, though, in the office with colleagues, or in a familiar setting with familiar people. But not always.

Also, with people I am not completely comfortable with, I measure my words very carefully. I would like to change that very much to where I can speak naturally and not worry about what's flying out of my mouth (for fear of offending others).

I know exactly what you mean Rose. I am ok with some people, and not with others. when I am not, my face becomes blank because I am trying to figure out how to react and I am sure I look confused and I am pretty sure the other person can sense it and that makes me feel worse. I have to work on getting comfortable with myself and maybe then things will get easier..but now..how to do that......? I hope you can find a way to cope too. I am right next to you.

I am the same way - always a stone face because I am afraid or unable to react. I think the best rule is to try to smile all of the time except when it is inappropriate to do so. Like yourself, I had a stone mother. Never hugged me. Never asked how I was. Never wanted to know what was going on in my life. The effect on my has been dreadful - I am an unhappy person. I am so joyless in social situations.

I have never found a cure despite years of psychotherapy. I did not have good results from CBT. If you find a therapy that helps, please let me know. All the best to you.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

I am the same way - always a stone face because I am afraid or unable to react. I think the best rule is to try to smile all of the time except when it is inappropriate to do so. Like yourself, I had a stone mother. Never hugged me. Never asked how I was. Never wanted to know what was going on in my life. The effect on my has been dreadful - I am an unhappy person. I am so joyless in social situations.

I have never found a cure despite years of psychotherapy. I did not have good results from CBT. If you find a therapy that helps, please let me know. All the best to you.

Does anything make you happy? If only we, and others, could accept that having a stone face is perfectly OK...we are not trying to hurt anyone.. that is just how we feel. I must say I do envy the reactions and friends chirpy, happy people get though... But I don't think I could fake a smile anymore. I put on a happy face at work for years when I was depressed and I hated it. I must clarify that for my situation, and this is not to discount your experience with your mother, my mother was very good to me in many ways. She never realized the affect her behavior had on me, plus she was like she was with everyone, so I didn't take it personally. Still, what we yearn for is perfectly normal and understandable. It doesn't help that I am a shy person. As for a solution...maybe the answer is within us? If no one can help us let's try to help ourselves. I am going to try too be more honest about who I am...egaaads...I hope you can get there too unhappy guy. Hugs to you dear one

I did have another insight in case that might help--our mothers were not what we had hoped them to be for some things. Would it help to think that maybe they did not have a nurturing experience with their mother themselves? In case we are blaming ourselves for being unworthy of love, and dooming ourselves to punish ourselves, maybe we can see it as that they never learned to give what we needed from them, that it isn't our fault? and it probably isn't even their fault. It just goes back and back. It is an old premise but it does ring true. Would this viewpoint help?

Originally Posted by TerryL

Does anything make you happy? If only we, and others, could accept that having a stone face is perfectly OK...we are not trying to hurt anyone.. that is just how we feel. I must say I do envy the reactions and friends chirpy, happy people get though... But I don't think I could fake a smile anymore. I put on a happy face at work for years when I was depressed and I hated it. I must clarify that for my situation, and this is not to discount your experience with your mother, my mother was very good to me in many ways. She never realized the affect her behavior had on me, plus she was like she was with everyone, so I didn't take it personally. Still, what we yearn for is perfectly normal and understandable. It doesn't help that I am a shy person. As for a solution...maybe the answer is within us? If no one can help us let's try to help ourselves. I am going to try too be more honest about who I am...egaaads...I hope you can get there too unhappy guy. Hugs to you dear one

I did have another insight in case that might help--our mothers were not what we had hoped them to be for some things. Would it help to think that maybe they did not have a nurturing experience with their mother themselves? In case we are blaming ourselves for being unworthy of love, and dooming ourselves to punish ourselves, maybe we can see it as that they never learned to give what we needed from them, that it isn't our fault? and it probably isn't even their fault. It just goes back and back. It is an old premise but it does ring true. Would this viewpoint help?

In my case, what was done to me (or, not done as the case may be) was done out of selfishness. My mother had a good life. A loving husband who was needy and who she could control. She was spoiled by 5 older siblings who she could manipulate to give her things. She was never thankful; always greedy. She had loving parents and a fun childhood that she never wanted to end.

I was treated as a puppet who she could use to buy her things. In reality, I was not the child she wanted. I was not good looking and she told me I was ugly. I was gay and she was embarassed for herself. I could be the obedient child she wanted but I was not what she wanted and she pushed me away. She did not want any of her children - all sons - to marry. We were to be her property. There was no advice, no encouragement to date or have friends. She repeatedly told me she was brilliant. That she could do whatever she wanted and we still had to love her because she was our mother. All that mattered was mom. She told me her problems but did not want to hear mine. PLEASE STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER.

As for me, there is no cure. Psychotherapy has not helped. It has not helped at all. It strings me along each week hoping to get better and I never do. I only end up more depressed.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

In my case, what was done to me (or, not done as the case may be) was done out of selfishness. My mother had a good life. A loving husband who was needy and who she could control. She was spoiled by 5 older siblings who she could manipulate to give her things. She was never thankful; always greedy. She had loving parents and a fun childhood that she never wanted to end.

I was treated as a puppet who she could use to buy her things. In reality, I was not the child she wanted. I was not good looking and she told me I was ugly. I was gay and she was embarassed for herself. I could be the obedient child she wanted but I was not what she wanted and she pushed me away. She did not want any of her children - all sons - to marry. We were to be her property. There was no advice, no encouragement to date or have friends. She repeatedly told me she was brilliant. That she could do whatever she wanted and we still had to love her because she was our mother. All that mattered was mom. She told me her problems but did not want to hear mine. PLEASE STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER.

As for me, there is no cure. Psychotherapy has not helped. It has not helped at all. It strings me along each week hoping to get better and I never do. I only end up more depressed.

Oh I am very sorry if I have upset you. I was not trying to make excuses for your mother. She treated you terribly She sounds like a narcissist and it is not fair that you have to feel bad because of her dysfunction. I am just trying to understand my mother better, to see her as an individual and to try to figure out why she was the way she was. This is so that I can understand that mom's behavior had nothing to do with me, that it is not my fault, and hopefully free myself from feeling inadequate. I had included you in my journey but only from the best intentions.

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

As for me, there is no cure. Psychotherapy has not helped. It has not helped at all. It strings me along each week hoping to get better and I never do. I only end up more depressed.

I am learning with my T to try to remove those negative voices (mother voices with positive affirmations). Every time I start talking about - or having a traumatic memory - or even just thinking of - the wicked witch, I stop breathing. My T helped me to see that. I didn't know I was doing it.

So now, if it comes up, I do affirmations and breathing ... which then leads to bawling (it hurts so much). but it's better than lightheaded and devastated / paralyzed with sadness and anger.

But I also feel a little relieved and empowered (especially when I leave our session cuz I actually got to be angry/hurt with someone IRL that cares).

Progress.

[shezbut]

I am very uncomfortable in my own skin, like a few others who posted here.

I'm not sure what the cause is though. I've certainly battled this for all of my life, and I hate it! Part of it may be genetic, but part is definitely environmental. For whatever reason, I never developed a "safe bond" with my parents. I have been in therapy since I was in 6th grade (and I'm 41 years old now), off and on various slews of medications, but I have always struggled with this very basic need in life.

Before I forget, the most helpful therapy style that I've been in was DBT ~ Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. There is a very informative website too. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com

Best wishes to us all...

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I'm not sure what the cause is though. I've certainly battled this for all of my life, and I hate it! Part of it may be genetic, but part is definitely environmental. For whatever reason, I never developed a "safe bond" with my parents.

I hate it too. What do you mean by "safe bond"? As for how to battle it..I really believe in looking back. After my post, I emailed my older sis and asked her about my grandmother. Sis knew her better. What she told me really helped me understand what kind of upbringing my mother might have had. That explained a lot. She couldn't give me what she never got herself. It wasn't my fault..I hope this helps someone..

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by TerryL

What do you mean by "safe bond"?

Well, I never felt truly loved. I didn't really trust my mom (and my dad was just the typical dad always working back then). Mom would say that I was so wonderful, blah, blah, but I couldn't believe her. I picked up very young that Mom says one thing, but her words are not to be believed.

For instance, my sister is not my mom's biologically. My mom said that she loved us equally back then, but she was full of baloney, and we knew it! I picked up on this tension and resentment between my sister and mom as long as I can remember. I could not accept the "love" that Mom bestowed upon me. #1. I couldn't believe that she truly meant it. #2. I thought that Mom was a really crummy mom to my sister ~ and felt guilty for any extra attention that was given to me.

Does that term make more sense now?

[KeepGoing8]

Wow. Reading this thread has been like reading my own personal history. I think all of us need to recognize the commonality and connections between our different experiences...especially because one of the biggest feelings I get from these experiences is loneliness. I'm sure it's amplified by the fact that I'm an only child with a single mom. She's a "Stone Mother" like one of u described. And to unhappyguy, my heart goes out to you because as the son of a neglectful, manipulative mom, you have other abuses laid on u that I can't imagine....she makes u buy her stuff?! That's whack! My mom just had me pay her in good grades, staying skinny enuf, and tears...lots and lots o tears. The point about looking at Mom's Mom & Dad relationships to see a reason why she's so f'ed up, is just a good tool for us as daughters to hoist the blame OFF of our shoulders, where it crushes our hearts and spirit. I think the anger u feel is justified.
This is my biggest fear as a daughter of a long line of Stone Mothers, how do I not become a Stone Mother to my sons and daughters?

[KeepGoing8]

Or do I just stop the line here?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by KeepGoing8

Or do I just stop the line here?

I do know that I stopped the cycle of abuse. I couldn't bear the thought of that continuing! So, that's an improvement. I certainly hope that my girls don't ever feel like I do.

[TerryL]

Well, I never felt truly loved. I didn't really trust my mom (and my dad was just the typical dad always working back then). Mom would say that I was so wonderful, blah, blah, but I couldn't believe her. I picked up very young that Mom says one thing, but her words are not to be believed.

Does that term make more sense now?

Yes, I understand more now. I'm sorry you never really felt loved by your mom or trusted her. That is very hurtful. She sounds like she was incapable of loving. It must have been very confusing for you. I wonder why your mother was like that? btw-Jane Fonda did an interesting interview for Oprah regarding how she found peace with her issues with her parents. If you (or anyone else) are interested, I can VM it to you. (I didn't post it as it has triggers) Please take care now

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by KeepGoing8

This is my biggest fear as a daughter of a long line of Stone Mothers, how do I not become a Stone Mother to my sons and daughters?

I think you already have the answer--by being self-aware. and..dare I say it...hopefully reaching understanding, compassion and forgiveness one day. I wish you much success on this journey KeepGoing8