What do I do?

My father in law has been living with me and my husband for 8 years. It's come to me not being able to take him anymore. This decision is from only me taking care of him, not my husband. Everything from calling an ambulance for him, helping with his meds, picking him up form the hospital, laundry, etc. well, my husband and I and our 4 children went to NH for vacation in feb. of this year. I came home to my draws a mess, yes, my husbands father went through my draws. I've done nothing but help this man and this is what I get. Not to mention, when my husband and I have a disagreement, his father puts his tv on mute to listen what is going on. It has come to the point where I said to my husband, I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry, but, it's me the kids or your father, yes, he chose his father. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and this is what I get. My husband also has 2 sisters and one brother. Every time I bring something up to my husband that I don't like what his father has done, I get, " why do you put so much pressure on me" please help me with some opinions because I am ready to walk

I would kick he and his father out (and stay with the children) as neither seem to be carrying their weight as husband and guest in your home.

Hello and welcome to PC,

I'm sorry to hear that your father in-law is adding a lot of marital distress to your life.

Have you considered or tried having an assistant come in to help your FIL? I helped my grandparents for a while, years ago, which did relieve a lot of the pressure that my parents felt. My grandmother's condition did deteriorate to a point where I couldn't take the emotional pressure anymore ~ and at that point, my parents hired a home health aide to take over part of her care. I don't regret that decision at all!

There are lots of agencies (in the US that I know of) to help families get through the physical and emotional stress of caring for elders. Personally, I volunteer at Elder Network, as a friendly visitor. Someone who visits elderly who live alone, or with others (and gives those in the house a well-deserved break). We read, talk, play games, and just hang out together. It's a terrific resource for people. Families like yours, those who are feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities and it's damaging other relationships.

I understand your predicament very well ~ as I've been on both sides. It's tough! And that pressure always hurts the other relationships. Seriously consider and talk about this option with your husband, to relieve yourself from extra responsibilities & resentment, and work on re-connecting with your husband. Not only that, but your father in-law will also become a little happier too! They LOVE getting people to visit them because they want to. It helps them see that there are still some things in life that they enjoy doing, people that they enjoy talking with, and they can still go places with others ~ rather than feel imprisoned in a house (or whatever).

I wish your family the very best!!

Wait a minute. I'm confused about the draws thing. Are you saying that he went through your underwear drawer? I couldn't get over the whole underwear thing...Ok, on to the post...

From the outside looking in...And just to let you know a little about myself, I'm not married, but have been in a relationship for almost 9 nine years with my child's father. First of all, taking in a spouse's parent is alot of responsibility. You are not at fault. You have 4 kids? 4? And you are taking care of his father too? AND his father has 4 kids who can take care of him? Listen, you already have alot of responsibility with 4 kids. Your husband, as you stated, is not even contributing his fair share of taking care of his own father. Ok, so you are married. So. That doesn't mean that you have to take of the responsibility on your own. This is HIS father. You two have no privacy and his father is a perv. Taking care of an elderly person can be like taking care of a child. Your husband and his brothers and sisters need to step up and start sharing the responsibility. You have put in 8 years taking care of him. Your husband is being insensitive by brushing off how you feel. Look, I won't lie, this can be a very sticky situation because it causes rift between your relationship and your home. If you say that grandpa has to leave then you look like the bad guy. 8 years is a long time. You need to speak with your husband and try to make him understand your view point. Go into the conversation calm and collect. Don't use words that will make him defensive. Be honest about how you feel and come up with alternatives and time frames for those alternatives. Can he live with another child? I would suggest having a home health aid help you but your issue is not only you taking care of him, but you feeling uncomfortable in your own home. Grandpa is nosey and a perv. I completely understand that when you marry someone, you are in a sense marrying his family and there are certain things that come with the territory. However, this situation isn't right. The responsibility of taking care of HIS father should not rest on your shoulders. This man has other siblings that can help in this situation. If those siblings live far away, then he needs to come up with another plan. I wish you luck....