[LittleForgetMeNot]

I think he is, only when he's mad though, and I'm crying because I don't want him to be. I'm in love with him, or at least I think so, I'm young, I'm 17 but he's my first everything so whether love or extreme attachment I really want to be with him.

And I'm sorry if this is graphic and I don't want this to be taken down but I'm at a whirl of emotions and I have no idea what to do.

Today we had an argument which escalated into violence. He threw the computer, threatened to break my stuff, locked my pets in the basement so I couldn't get to them and therefore couldn't leave his house, he pushed me against he wall and held me there saying I couldn't leave, he wouldn't let me, my father would have to come in and fight him before he would let me leave. When I got out of the house he just dragged me back in which got my hand caught in the door and it hurt a lot.. His step-mom came down and spoke in a language I don't understand but mostly asking him what was going on and why was I crying and he in the same language said something that made her leave and not come back.. it was probably something like "mind your own business".

But a few hours ago he called me up crying promising it would never happen again and that he loved me, and knowing that this wouldn't just fix it he said he'd give me all the time I needed to think things over. He isn't even asking for a relationship, he just.. I don't know. We've been together for almost a year and I've known him as a friend for 2. He's my first everything and.. I really.. really love him and I don't want to be without him but I know I can't live this way and it's really up to him to be different.. What do I do?

[Cotton ball]

Thats not love. Get out NOW!!!
You CANNOT change someone else. Look at his actions vs his words.
You desrve better.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

It's been a slow change. Before he was the calm, sweet type who wouldn't dare lay a finger on me or wouldn't even let me see him angry.. ever. Then slowly it's turned into this when we argue. But most of the time we don't argue and he's always very sweet then, very respectful and will make me dinners and buy me presents, tell me I'm beautiful, etc. He's like the perfect boyfriend until we argue...

[shezbut]

Get the heck out of there and don't look back!!

Your bf is displaying very abusive behavior (and pet cruelty), followed by the BS promises that he loves you so much. He won't ever do it again, he can't stand the thought of losing you, blah, blah, blah. F'ing sickening behavior which always worsens as the relationship becomes more serious. Btw, treating abusive people is very difficult ~ extremely resistant to treatment.

You deserve to be treated a heck of a lot better ~ Don't ever forget that!! PLEASE get out of this relationship completely now...you really need to do it NOW. Either go back home (and avoid all contact!) or check into a battered women support group home. ((((LittleForgetMeNot)))) Please don't wait!!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

We did break up, and I am at home where I am safe.. and I'm trying to face this. It's happened before but usually we'll calm down and everything will be okay and he'll be the guy I love again and we're fine for a month or so until it happens again and I know this is no way to live, I know it's bad and can probably get worse. His own father is abusive, and abuses his step-mom in the same way which is probably why she didn't help me when she was there and I don't want to be that way. I know this, I know this so bad but I keep crying because I hate it. I love him and I hate this so much.

[Winter Moon]

It's gotta be hard when the person you love turns on you like that sometimes, and really seems to try his best to make up for it and promise that it won't ever happen again. But everyone here is right. It'll not only happen, but get worse.

And when he calls you up tomorrow telling you that he loves you and it'll never happen again, just remember that. Write it down when he calls, or pull this thread up. Even if he's sweet and caring most of the time, that's not who he really is. And you'll meet someone later who won't hit you, won't hurt you, won't physically force you into anything, won't hold you or your animals hostage, and won't try to manipulate or control you.

I really hope you don't let him back into your life. We're all here for you. You deserve so, so, so much better than this. Alright?

[lad007]

Love should never hurt, that is not love, it is control, and abuse.
Call a domestic abuse hotline for help in getting out, your life could be in danger if he acts like this so early in your relationship.
There is no excuse for abuse.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

He called me a couple times and it's made this so much harder. He wanted to come by today and see me, talk and pick up his stuff but I said that might not be a good idea. I feel iffy about this because we've been friends for so long and like I said he's fine most of the time. Also, my father, when he gets mad he breaks things sometimes just like my boyfriend but in no way is my father abusive so I'm not sure what to think.

I hate thinking that just one day, just one hour, completely ruined us forever..

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

He called me a couple times and it's made this so much harder. He wanted to come by today and see me, talk and pick up his stuff but I said that might not be a good idea. I feel iffy about this because we've been friends for so long and like I said he's fine most of the time. Also, my father, when he gets mad he breaks things sometimes just like my boyfriend but in no way is my father abusive so I'm not sure what to think.

I hate thinking that just one day, just one hour, completely ruined us forever..

Sounds a bit like you are trying to rationalize his actions...not a good idea.
There is a pattern here. See it and learn.

[Open Eyes]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. But sweetheart you are young and that behavior he is displaying is VERY unhealthy, he has serious issues that YOU truely CANNOT FIX no matter how many times you try. He is actually teaching you HOW TO BECOME HIS VICTIM and dear, THAT IS NOT LOVE AT ALL, no matter what he does or says.

The other posters are right, you have to truely stay strong and completely BREAK AWAY FROM HIM. Do not give in no matter what and if he stalks you call the police.
Some of these guys can get very dangerous.

((((Concerned Hugs for you))))
Open Eyes

[carrie_ann]

i was a teenager when i took up with my first husband. he was violent, abusive, controlling ... but having grown up in that kind of family, i thought nothing of it.

with him at first it was little things, losing his temper or throwing things about, ALWAYS followed by an apology and a promise it would never happen again.

things quickly escalated to him doing serious hospital damage...and the police begging me to get rid of him, prosecute, take their protection, and cops didn't even answer or acknowledge d.v. back then.

i know the attachment you feel to him, him being your first etc...but you need to realize this is NOT healthy or normal and you will suffer so much, both now and in the future, if you don't acknowledge that HE is sick and YOU deserve SO much more!

[tam16]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just found the courage to break up with an abusive boyfriend after 8 years. Please don't waste your time like I did. Although breaking up with him has been extremely painful, I am starting to realize that I deserve so much more. Stay strong.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I know it sounds like I'm rationalizing.. But I've spoken to my parents about it, and they know my boyfriend pretty much as well as I do, and they agree I should stay away for a bit but don't know if this scenario was "leave him for good" worthy. Mostly because I went snooping, I started the argument, and when he knocked over the computer I called to go home and told him I was finished. This put him into panic mode and that's when it escalated. Obviously what it escalated into is not justifiable by this but it's not like he does it on a daily basis.. When we argue he knows to just step out for an hour and we calm down and we talk it out like normal people but yesterday was a bad day and it was early in the morning and we had already fought the night before so everyone was in a bad mood..

I don't know if this is just my loneliness talking, me realizing how much I want him from hearing his voice and believing that I'm just not ready to be without him or just plain stupidity and I'm just very, very confused.

[Bella01]

It's very hard when he is your first for everything. If you were my daughter I would tell you to walk away. This is not normal behavior. You know that what everyone here has said is true.

Staying at his house is not a safe enviorment if his step mom is in an abusive relaionship. She walked away from helping you. What's going to happen next time because there will be a next time. If he abuses animals he will have no problem abusing you.

i think my boyfriend is abusive..?

It's been a slow change. Before he was the calm, sweet type who wouldn't dare lay a finger on me or wouldn't even let me see him angry.. ever. Then slowly it's turned into this when we argue. But most of the time we don't argue and he's always very sweet then, very respectful and will make me dinners and buy me presents, tell me I'm beautiful, etc. He's like the perfect boyfriend until we argue...

I know it sounds like I'm rationalizing.. But I've spoken to my parents about it, and they know my boyfriend pretty much as well as I do, and they agree I should stay away for a bit but don't know if this scenario was "leave him for good" worthy. Mostly because I went snooping, I started the argument, and when he knocked over the computer I called to go home and told him I was finished. This put him into panic mode and that's when it escalated. Obviously what it escalated into is not justifiable by this but it's not like he does it on a daily basis.. When we argue he knows to just step out for an hour and we calm down and we talk it out like normal people but yesterday was a bad day and it was early in the morning and we had already fought the night before so everyone was in a bad mood..

Okay, I'll be blunt this time. You are rationalizing. Even worse, you are accepting and condoning. I'm going to wish you well and leave this thread because the fine line between being supportive and being honest is hard for me.
Take care

[lido78]

You probably think that you've posted here looking for support, but I really think you're looking for both support and the truth. All of us have those friends who tell us what we want to hear...but, reaching out to strangers means we'll probably get a few who will tell it to you straight, even if it hurts. This man's behavior is abusive. I don't think it, I know it. If you stay, it will not get better. People do not normally change unless (1) they honestly want to change and (2) they get serious help to change. Your life, the life of your family and your pets is in danger with this guy. Every break-up hurts and the loneliness can be pretty unbearable...but, you have to take care of yourself. If you do break up with him, be on guard for a bit....and don't let your pets out without supervision. I don't want to scare you, but he sounds like someone I personally would be afraid of.

[lido78]

He's like the perfect boyfriend until we argue...

By the way, I don't think you truly know someone until you have an argument with them....how they fight is a great sign of how they'll treat you. There is a way to fight that's fair and respectful. And, it doesn't include physical or mental/emotional abuse.

[Open Eyes]

A MUST HAVE book for you to make sure you read is "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie. Don't get abused or love an abuser, choose you and love you instead.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Well if you go back to him it will happen again but it is your choice.

This is typical abuser behavior. Abuse the person, apologize, go through the honeymoon phase of being the best boyfriend ever, abuse again, apologize, best boyfriend ever, abuse. It's a cycle that usually only quickens in pace and extreme over time. Unless you walk away.

Everyone has said excellent things. It's really hard to see the truth while you are caught up in the cycle yourself. Rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for it only serves to keep you in the cycle yourself. Breaking up is never easy, but it's doable. People like this usually do not get better, usually do get worse. As everyone else has said, please get out now while you can.

The book Openeyes suggested is a fantastic book! It's defiantly worth reading.

Not only are you rationalizing, it sounds like you are somewhat starting to blame yourself in the first place. If only I hadn't snooped he wouldn't have done this, is almost what I hear you saying. Please look up domestic violence, and read about the patterns of behavior, not only for the abuser but for the victim.

[Irreplaceable]

He has anger issues that he needs help for. You are in a typical abuse cycle. It's typical abusive behavior and you can't see it. Please PLEASE do not take this lightly. How many stories do we need to hear about in the media about boyfriends killing girlfriends because they have anger issues? Yes it can happen to you. I feel for you young girl. You need to tell your parents. You need to leave him alone. If you do not, I can promise you that one day, he will hurt you more than he has ever hurt you before. People who love you don't hurt you. Read that again. People who love you don't hurt you. It never ever gets better. Why? Because he has anger issues and is messed up in the head. Right now, his actions are telling you that when you don't do something that he likes, he will attack. He appologies afterwards because again, this is what abusers do. Abusers can snap from being the most loving boyfriend in the world, to a total nightmare. You are putting your life in danger. Who do you value more? Him or you? I wish my daughter's boyfriend would put his hands on her...Please...This is coming from someone who lived it and I will never go back. Let a man hit me...Please. It's not acceptable. I understand your mentality because I've been there. Telling yourself lies lies lies that he will get better, only to have it happen again. You are young and you are being abused. Get out.