[doggiedo]

My mother has always been a difficult person for me to get along with. I sometime think it's because we are alike, and other times, I think it's because we are too different.

I went off my meds about 2 months ago (or so) and I have found that things she does are really starting to annoy me. I think it's because I was more laid back and, as my doc says, a little bit more subdued in terms of feeling my emotions when I was on the medicine.

I feel like I could make a list of things that bother me, it's so long. On top of that, it's stupid stuff. My mom is a good person, I know. However, it's little things that bother me.

My parents say they are broke, but my mom (retired) spends money all the time. She is buying a new bedroom set for the guest bedroom for $3600, but there is nothing wrong with the old set! My parents complain about money and the economy, but they spend $4000 on landscaping (taking down 3 old trees in the yard) in the fall. THey always wanted to go to Alaska, so now they have Alaska AND Italy on their list. I have no idea.

My mom also has superlow self-esteem, so she is always asking people their opinion. Today she couldnt pick out what to wear - come on! It's just clothing. She didn't even know what to make for a dessert. I jokingly told her "come on, Mom, you're a big girl, you can pick out of the 3 types of cookie/brownie mixes that you have in the pantry." It's terribly annoying, yet I can't say anything to her. I just dread the visits I have with her (and my dad, who I get along with fine) and then I count the minutes until the visit is over.

She even jokingly said to me - "you should have told your b/f you were prego as an April Fools joke, haha" um, NO! That would not have been funny. She knows it and so do I! It's stupid stuff she says.

I feel bad for feeling annoyed. My counselor says that they are legitimate feelings that any normal person would have, so why am I so hard on myself? I hate the fact that I resent her and get annoyed by her. Literally. I think the other half is afraid I might end up being just like her.

How do I get through this and learn how to deal with her? I literally used to be able to brush it off - not now. I want to literallly cut (which I haven't done in years) to just make it stop. It's almost unhealthy for me to visither.

[Leed]

Ok ~ About the money stuff -- Why does that bother you? If you need some money, ask for a loan. You KNOW they aren't broke. LOL Anyone who can go to Alaska & Italy certainly isn't broke! LOL Some people just like to downplay their circumstances for some reason -- they don't want to brag or appear wealthy.

As for your Mom's low self-esteem -- that's a big problem for her. There must be a reason for it. Does your Dad say unkind things to her? i.e. she's fat, inept, bad cook, can't handle money, etc.? Did her parents treat her poorly? People aren't BORN with low self-esteem. Others drum it into their heads for years. She can't help it -- but therapy CAN. HER feelings of low self-esteem are legitimate too and shouldn't be made fun of. She's miserable.

And her non-funny jokes are her poor attempts at fitting in. This poor woman is just trying to be "part of." From your description, she feels like a square peg in a round hole. I've been like that and it's awful. I feel sorry for your Mom. I wish I was there to give her a hug. I think she needs one.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by doggiedo

I think the other half is afraid I might end up being just like her.

I think until you know and love yourself well, what you think of your mom is going to be too much tied into what you feel could be about you.

Use some practical sense ideas to help with some of the irritation? My mom use to try and force leftovers and other items on me when I'd leave after dinner at my parents house and we'd get into a battle; my husband taught me to "just take the gift" and afterwards you can do whatever you like with it, including throw it in the gutter by your car if that makes you happy. If she asks you to choose desserts, tell her your favorite; what does it hurt?

What I learned in therapy about my stepmother's and my relationship was that we did not "connect" but that my comments were attempts at connection. Your mother is trying to start a conversation with you but does not know how! I did the same when I was 20, went into the kitchen and asked what was for dinner and was met with, "If you were in here helping, you'd know!" Kind of a conversation-stopper wouldn't you say? :-)

Use your curiosity to continue the conversation if your mother says something inane. You could counter "what should I have for dessert" with asking her about her childhood; what her mother made for dessert, what she liked for dessert, "Mom, do you remember when all I'd eat was jello. . ." any number of dessert-related topics that might lead to something more interesting to pull the two of you together instead of driving you apart?

[doggiedo]

Leed - that's a great question. I don't know why it bothers me that they spend money. Maybe I'm afraid they're going to go through it too quickly? My mom is retired, but isn't getting retirement - so what they have now is what they have to live on forever. I also hate when then complain they don't have money...it's like, so why would they spend all this money and then complain about medication copays, car expenses and losing money in their stocks, which leads to a conversation about lack of retirement funds.

Does my dad treat her poorly? No way - he never tells her anything bad - he's always supportive and loving to her. Her parents were never loving and always commented on her weight. She is in counseling now and in an outpatient program, so she IS getting help with her self esteem.

I know her self esteem is low, and I didn't realize what I was doing was making fun of her or making her feel worse. I was just trying to vent and work out my feelings. Being mean was not my intent.

Perna - I know it's my problem and not hers. My counselor and we have been working on techniques to let things go. I have been able to (until this point in my life) to let things go, change the subject, etc, but it's just building up. The APril fools joke wasn't a joke - she wants grandkids so bad, I feel like it's a stab. She tells me every, and I mean EVERY, visit that she loves kids and is patiently waiting on grandkids. SHe has even bought her unborn grandkids gifts that she's harboring in the basement. No pressure or anything.

My counselor also said to limit my conversations and contact - maybe I just need more space. I don't know what the answer is. Thank you both for your advice and responding, however.

[Open Eyes]

Hi doggiedo, maybe because you are struggling and dont have many friends there may be a part of you that wishes your mom could be stronger and more helpful instead of her expressing low self esteem and poor decision making skills.

Maybe when you visit you want more of a MOM than this person who seems to need more direction and struggles herself. And maybe the complaining about the money is an extention of a POOR me, feel sorry for me when it really isn't that way. And I hear you, it is almost like your OWN parents are lieing to you, and that is disrespectful, something no teacher likes to see either.

I wonder if your mother ever asks real questions about how YOU are really doing and take your time sweetheart, it can be a challenge. And the grandchildren teasing is more about what THEY want and need and not about YOUR wants and needs. Maybe you are seeing a truth about your parents (faults) you don't want to see.

You have been out of the house for a while and in the world and when you visit them you can see their charector flaws more and more and it is bothering you. It sounds like dear ole dad is the same but the mother?, well she is weak and not a source of strength for you either. That can be hard to see and even make someone count the minutes of what is now a duty or service of somekind.

Open Eyes