[Gothgirl7]

I was dating a friend of a friend for a year. Everything seemed great and I was in love. Then I got dumped out of the blue one day. I was in shock, as you would be. He said that I can't communicate and have no social skills- even though he dumped me by text. And that I have no self confidence and no self esteem. All BS. To rub salt into the wound, he said he "should've dumepd me a long time ago". I was completely devasted. I was like WTF?

I asked his friend if he was cheating. She played dumb and denied knowing anything. But I'm not stupid and know he tells his best friend and his wife EVERYTHING. To make it worse I was friends with all his friends. They all completely cut me off without even hearing my side. I was suicidal at the time and really needed support. Yet my ex was probably already screwing someone else. And yet everyone still took this players side? WTF?

I've read others stories and have NEVER come across this, where everyone doesn't even care about the dumpee at all.

I ran into these ex friends a year later. And thy completely ignored me. I just can't believe I used to be friends with these people at all. I don't know if I should've taken the high road. It just played right into my exes wishes. And he still got to be the victim. I would love to insult these sheep who took his side. What was the point in doing the right thing? No one cared remotely about me. I hope his friends get divorced or something. See how arrogant they would be then? If anything bad happened to these people, I seriosuly couldn't pick more deserving people. Why are people such complete sheep? And these people used to think they were better than me. What a complete utter joke?

[Gilead]

Originally Posted by Gothgirl7

I was dating a friend of a friend for a year. Everything seemed great and I was in love. Then I got dumped out of the blue one day. I was in shock, as you would be. He said that I can't communicate and have no social skills- even though he dumped me by text. And that I have no self confidence and no self esteem. All BS. To rub salt into the wound, he said he "should've dumepd me a long time ago". I was completely devasted. I was like WTF?

I asked his friend if he was cheating. She played dumb and denied knowing anything. But I'm not stupid and know he tells his best friend and his wife EVERYTHING. To make it worse I was friends with all his friends. They all completely cut me off without even hearing my side. I was suicidal at the time and really needed support. Yet my ex was probably already screwing someone else. And yet everyone still took this players side? WTF?

I've read others stories and have NEVER come across this, where everyone doesn't even care about the dumpee at all.

I ran into these ex friends a year later. And thy completely ignored me. I just can't believe I used to be friends with these people at all. I don't know if I should've taken the high road. It just played right into my exes wishes. And he still got to be the victim. I would love to insult these sheep who took his side. What was the point in doing the right thing? No one cared remotely about me. I hope his friends get divorced or something. See how arrogant they would be then? If anything bad happened to these people, I seriosuly couldn't pick more deserving people. Why are people such complete sheep? And these people used to think they were better than me. What a complete utter joke?

You wouldn't have accomplished anything by insulting them. You took the high road because you're better than they are and the sooner you can put the whole thing behind you the better you'll feel.

I've been where you are but worse because it was inside of a marriage. I was the last to find out that she was leaving me - she let me know via a typewritten letter - didn't even have the decency to hand write the damn thing. I was devasted at losing my children. I promised myself that I would not look back and hate her that I'd see the kids and be cordial to her. Deep down I despise her but I keep it deep down.

Don't let your feelings about them eat you up - they are being unnecessarily cruel as he was when he said "should've dumepd me a long time ago". The only thing you did wrong was misjudge your relationship. Anyone who could treat someone that way doesn't deserve the time and energy you have to expend in hating them or his friends.

I'm sorry it happened to you but you took the high road for a reason.

[Perna]

I don't see any benefit in negative interaction with people I don't like or care for, whom I feel have hurt me. It would not impact them as I would like and would only make me feel worse for continuing to interact with them.

[Gothgirl7]

Thanks but I can never understand their behaviour at all. I was really disappointed that they were still together. They married young and have never even dated other people. Very odd these days. I cant imagine why being friends with my ex was so more important. I'll never forgive these people. I was suicidal at the time.

[Gothgirl7]

Even others stories they atleast remained friends. I loathe this smug arrogant couple.

[Gothgirl7]

How would they like it if it was them? It would give me pleasure to see that.

[Gothgirl7]

I am sick to death with doing the right thing. Why us it always the person being betrayed only doing the right thing?

[Gothgirl7]

I mean I've been in a similar situation before many years ago. I had a bad breakup with my then best friend in high school. She also turned everyone against me and made my life hell at school. I had people I didn't even know coming up to me and vetbally abusing me. Even though they didn't even know me and ask for my side of what happened.

[John25]

The way I see it: the point in doing the right thing is not necessarily because you expect better results from it. Doing the right thing is staying true to yourself, because you think it is the right thing to do. Besides this, why would it make you feel better to see other people getting hurt or going through misery? Even if you think that they would deserve it? Why not try to move on with your life and focus on your own well-being?

[Gothgirl7]

Coz they treated me like complete garbage and only care about keeping their group together no matter what cost?

[Gothgirl7]

In this case doing the right thing I don't think was The good thing to do. Utterly pointless in the end. They deserved to hear my side instead of being a pack if sheep

[rainboots87]

Well, I agree with the other responses, and I'd like to add that if these people hurt you so much and didn't care to even hear your side of things- are these really the kind of friends you would want? The point of doing the right thing is that you would get to move on while they choose to believe the lies and contribute to the drama. You have the opportunity to leave that mess behind, which sounds pretty good to me.

Originally Posted by rainboots87

Well, I agree with the other responses, and I'd like to add that if these people hurt you so much and didn't care to even hear your side of things- are these really the kind of friends you would want? The point of doing the right thing is that you would get to move on while they choose to believe the lies and contribute to the drama. You have the opportunity to leave that mess behind, which sounds pretty good to me.

agreed...it's over...time to move on

Move on. You are drowning in bitterness and anger. Find yourself and your own life without these people. I know. Easier said than done. But staying focused on this isn't going to allow you to move forward.

[Open Eyes]

((((Gothgirl7))))),

I am sorry that you had that happen to you that way. Some people do not know how to do breakups, BECAUSE THEY ARE BASICALLY COWARDS. Always remember, birds of a feather flock together. It is common to get caught in a flock and not see it coming because you are a nice person and would not handle situations that way. Well, the truth is people can be mean and selfish and just plain RUDE to others.

And as far as revenge? Well, don't worry about that dear, that is a waste of your brain time. The truth is that these people create their OWN DOWNFALLS. If you stick around long enough you will see it happen. I have seen it myself and often was SO GLAD I escaped, maybe was hurt, but it was much better for me to not be involved with these people.

The best revenge is for you to move on with YOUR life. When I look back, that it pretty much what I did and it never failed, people were always upset that I just picked up and did that somehow. I have met some pretty rauchy people in my days, and as I mentioned, I am glad I walked away from them.

Really sweetheart, don't waste your time. The other members are giving you good advice, pretty much (sadly) speaking from experiencing it themselves.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[SSaysRelapse]

There is a reason that the high road is always the road less traveled. Surely, it may not feel like it would have made any difference, but like many unselfish deeds, most of the benefits will be, or were, unsung. Being spiteful or hateful would have, or may still, just drive you deeper into negativity. By taking the high road, you avoid digging deeper into a problem before inevitably having to dig yourself out of it. Just hang in there, we all just want to walk on that high road...best part is, when you find someone else who can walk alongside you, you'll finally see how special that road is.

[Gothgirl7]

Thank you for all your answers

[Gothgirl7]

Problem is I've found that it has discouraged me from making any much needed new friends. As I didn't want to be betrayed like that again. I am disappointed that my old set of friends all went their separate ways.

[Open Eyes]

((((Gothgirl7)))))

Oh, I am not surprised you feel that way sweetheart and you are truely not alone in that either. If you were to take just about every member here and talk to them privately, you would find out that each person has experience with feeling that way as well. And that includes ALL their relations with people in general, including their own families.

One of the sayings I offer to others and remind myself is "QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY" when it comes to finding other people you can truely call friends. And in my own life of carefully getting to know other people and watching how they relate to their friends and other people, I have learned that EVERYONE has disappointing and troubling experiences with what they call FRIENDS.

One of the things that I came across on my own journey is dealing with the way people pick and choose WHO GETS APPROVED FOR GROUPS OF FRIENDS. I can remember when I went to a new private High School and it was an All Girl school. On the first day which was mostly about signing up and orientation etc. I met another girl who seemed really nice and we both had horses. This other girl knew a lot of the other girls that came from her town and she had picked out a couple of the girls and told me that she didn't like them and that I would be wise to stay away from them because I would only get burnt and they were "snobby".

Now, I was really shy and had a troubled past with home/school so I was just glad that I met a girl that seemed nice and friendly. And we hung out that day, however the so called "snobby" girl did notice and I learned that I was given the once or twice over by her and was then determined "guilty by association" and somehow there was an impression that I was never going to be HER friend. And the odd thing that struck me is that this other "snobby" girl didn't even know me, we never exchanged words, but it was just decided that this process of me and her getting to talk and get to know each other was just not going to be allowed to take place.

Well, as time went on I wound up getting to know the girls that this friendly girl hung out with and got along with and I did like them. And there was a lot to learn from them and they didn't know my history or my older brother and it was so nice to have my OWN chance to make friends. Up to that point in my life I was only known as the sister of the boy everyone picked on from the moment he stepped on a school bus and mingled with other children.(a different kind of guilty by association)

The girl that I got to know had very large breasts, very large. And in the group of girls that I was in that became friends they all nick named her "boobs". And they rarley called her by her real name but instead used this nick name. And I began to learn that they all had nick names for each other and it was about something in them that wasn't perfect. And this didn't settle well with me because of my history of watching my brother get bullied all through grammer school and I had to see how hurt he was every single day by that. So, I never could bring myself to call this friend "boobs", not even if I was angry with her. And not even when she had picked a not so nice nick name for me and DID use it. And I found it really strange because it was almost like she wanted me to join in and call her "boobs" too. But, I just would not pick on her because I never wanted to be mean, even in their game of playing the innocent bully game they played.

Well, this group of girls accepted a new girl who was also just looking to have friends. And she was a little whiney, but she was nice and they had a nick name for her as well and I can't remember it right now. And we all got along pretty well and went over each other's houses and did things here and there together and even met and went to the school dances together and hung out.

But for some reason along the way they decided that they no longer wanted to have this new girl, Becky, in the group anymore. And when they told me that I could not longer be nice to her because she was no longer allowed in the group, I could not truely do that. I could not just be mean to someone and begin to ignore them because it was decided that she did something that someone else didn't like somehow. Oh, Gothgirl7, it was the first time I was truely put in this strange position where if I was nice to someone I risked being allowed to be in a group of these friends. And "I" didn't do ANYTHING wrong. And this friendly girl did NOTHING to me personally and I really had NO problem with her and I knew she just wanted to hang out in a group of friends. And really the only thing that she did was she tended to be a little bit whiney and somewhat needy. But as far as I was concerned, it was her weak spot, no more weak than the girl with the very large breasts and the others that had their imperfections too.

Well, I did sit with the group and discussed with them that while I knew they had their reasons for not liking this girl somehow, well, I just could not join in and be mean. And they told me that their big concern was how "whiney and needy she was" and when they tried to give her advice, she just kept being whiney and needy and they were tired of her. But they DID agree that if I wanted to be nice that was ok but "be careful because she is just TOO whiney and needy and not to allow myself to try to fix something she didn't seem to want to fix.

So I stayed with the group but never really liked seeing this girl kind of lost and disowned.

Well as an adult later on I experienced something similar as I was trying to make an adult group of friends. And I learned that there was some kind of approval system and this was hard for me as well. I had a child, in a town I didn't know ANYONE and I ran a girl scout troop and I made some friends and one of the women was somewhat of a social climber and boy did I learn a lot from her. And there were originally three of us that lead this group and she was the leader and I thought she was a great mother. But somehow she didn't have the right standing, not as nice a house and not quite the same class or something. Well, it was decided that she would be cast aside and that was really hard for me as well. And this socialite told me that SHE would handle it. And she did and this other woman was so unbelievably GRACIOUS about it, and it was upsetting to me to see this take place.

But I was going to have my own turn. When I discovered my husband was a binge alcoholic, I was really frightened and though I did present him with a choice of getting help or a divorce and he did opt for quitting and getting help I was marked. I made the mistake of, in my need for support because I was scared, I shared with the socialite. Well, it was horrible because one day, as I had been a troop leader, the mothers came in and they ALL looked down and were cold and distant to me. And I knew that what that meant is that I was marked for exclusion, because I had a problem that was UNACCEPTABLE. And they all took their girls out my troop and I was left with my daugher who then had NO friends and could not understand WHY.

And it didn't stop there because my little girl was going to be disallowed in her group of little friends at school and she didn't understand it, she was only in first grade. And it wasn't easy for me Gothgirl7. I had a big problem trying to deal with my husband and understand that and I had no friends to support me or anything. But as somehow this got known amongst other troop leaders, I did end up meeting a leader who experienced this herself and lead a troop of older girls. She took me under her wing and my daughter got to hang out with cool older girls. So, even though my daughter was excluded from her friends, she had cool girl friends and it really helped her out.

I know this is a long post. But I just wanted to share with you how sometimes people can be SO DAM CRUEL. And yes, it can come in groups and YES it can hurt.
But in my life so far, I did learn that it wasn't the QUANTITY of friends I had, it was the few the stepped out of the groups that provided me with the QUALITY that made a difference to me and my life.

Look Gothgirl, believe me I know how you feel and I have been hurt too and even was challenged by the same thoughts of "how do I trust to try to make friends now?". And there is always going to be a part of me that struggles with that, but honesty that is a part of everyone as they grow and experience the heartaches of making and losing friends. And often what I do see is how people allow themselves to judge others wrongly for the sake of being in the GROUP. And they even allow themselves to also kind of become victims within groups too and let it pass just to somehow be accepted in this group. And even when they do THAT they still carry some kind of trouble with their own self worth, even the ones that seem to have some kind of authority. And even the socialite I knew had times where she would try to make plans to do things and got dumped for some higher socialite that presented an invitation as well. And often there is no REAL LOYALTY in groups either. And from what I have learned, it all depends on HOW WELL ONE IS WILLING TO ACCEPT ABUSE OF SOMEKIND or even SET ASIDE THEIR OWN LIKES OF OTHERS and be WILLING TO ACCEPT A GROUP DECISION that CAN be very MEAN.

I just want you to know that you are not as alone as you question "TRUST". Yes, it is hard to trust and in the end, it really isn't the QUANTITY that brings QUALITY friendships in a very personal way of trusting. It often is so few that can TRUELY BE CALLED "A FRIEND". And hense the overall statement of how we are lucky if we find even just a few true friends in our lives.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Gothgirl7,

This forum is the one of the busiest forms here at PC. And the other busiest forum is DEPRESSION. RELATIONSHIP AND DEPRESSION and these two issues are prevelent in each personal struggle with any kind of disorder/mental illness/ and the many members that come and go looking for "SOMEONE, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME?"And "I" have been NO EXCEPTION in this PLEA.

And the bottom line is that being a human being and dealing with other human beings is "SUCH A CHALLENGE FOR "EVERYONE". And this challenge can be even MORE DIFFICULT if we grow up with parents that struggle and have issues themselves and fail to teach us HOW TO UNDERSTAND THIS AND LEARN TO ADJUST OURSELVES FOR THIS TREMENDOUS CHALLENGE.

Somehow each of us has to learn how much to accept and allow in the behaviors of other human beings. And in that effort to try to learn, often people struggle with relationships and their own LOW SELF ESTEEM or somehow finding a way to just understand WHY people hurt other people or even abuse. And it is almost like, "how much hurt should I allow?". Or even "do I have permission to be really angry?" And, is this person that I date/am married to/live with being mean or is it me? "How do I stand up for myself and still have friends?. "What is wrong with me?", "What is wrong with people?". And your question "How do I TRUST?".

One of my personal struggles is being able to talk about my own troubles and history of abuse. And for me, the reason for that is that when I did have troubles, it was used against me and I really was HURT. And I am very aware of that golden rule that says "when you share your personal struggles be careful because you give others "a stick to beat you with". And unfortunately I have learned that lesson in many very troubling ways that really HURT me to the depths of me.

And I have also learned that anytime people gather in groups there is always going to be a danger of that group to select someone and make a choice of "let us all not like this person because our friend doesnt like her/him. And this truely is A HUMAN THING AND MOST HUMAN BEINGS PRACTICE THIS.

And in my own observations that also takes place within groups of so called friends. If there is a group of people gathered and someone either has to leave or cannot be present, there is often a discussion about this persons downfalls, real, or manufactured out of some kind of hidden desire to gain some kind of higher status in that group. And this even happens within families as well. It is very common with all human beings to express this behavior pattern.

What I have learned to do is make my own way with other human beings and try my best to find certain people that have the ability to accept me along with whatever short comings I have and actually be what I can call a true "friend". And those people are few and far between for all of us.

Gothgirl?, You have some good advice here, but I can see how you still struggle and that is something that many do as well. Yes, I can't blame you for being angry and YES often IT IS JUST NOT FAIR how human beings can behave and YES it can be hard to know how to deal with it. And YES it can make each of us question our self worth and abilty to just somehow walk away and give ourselves permission to continue on.
And this trouble you have with others not allowing you to EXPRESS "YOUR" side in the struggle is truely very difficult to accept as well. And it is VERY HARD to face this one big element that we all struggle so much with, "PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, NOR DO THEY CARE TO KNOW". And yes, most of us have to learn that and understand how to deal with it on all kinds of levels and yes IT CAN BE LONELY AND YES IT REALLY HURTS TOO.

And if one struggles with some kind of mental illness/disorder that fact can be even more difficult and can truely threaten our desire to even think of TRYING TO WORK AT WHATEVER IT IS AND CONTINUE ON with this thing called life. And Gothgirl I am REALLY learning all about this too and it has been a very difficult lesson for me. In my own mental illness I have become extremely aware that very few people EVEN MY OWN FAMILY know anything about what I have and SADLY THEY OFTEN DO NOT CARE TO KNOW EITHER. Wow, what an unbelivable challenge this have become for me and I DO struggle with this every single day. And lonely? wow, this kind of lonely has been the worst in my entire life.

And at the moment my own journey in the effort to find what I have referred to as QUALITY, has taken a whole new light. And that has come in my therapist and the others that I have come to know here at PC. And even then I have to remember that golden rule that I had somehow learned along the way in this thing called life, every group of humans will still be humans and CAN, even in mental illness, still choose to make choices of who may be accepted in certain groups and who may not. And it is big part of what is called "politics" WORLD WIDE in every nook and cranny of HUMAN BEINGS.

RISE ABOVE? well Gothgirl, THAT IS SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DO in every single interaction we engage in that has anything to do with OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. Is this hard to learn how to do YES, YES, YES, YES every step of the way. And as much as I have learned in my own life, I STILL REALLY STRUGGLE WITH IT, and that is because some people can REALLY BE MEAN or find something about me that they do not like somehow. BUT, WE ALL HAVE THAT because as long as we have this tag on us that says we are human, this is just what we all experience while dealing with other human beings.

So Gothgirl? The best advice I can give while also agreeing with the other posters here that have learned this for themselves as well is, IT IS ALWAYS A CHALLENGE TO TRUST OTHER HUMAN BEINGS and when you come across bad experiences with other human beings do your best to consider your own errors and even if it hurts, just move on and try again. Yes, stop and self evaluate if you can and make sure you were not too Whiney or troubled or dependant or snobby as best as you can and continue on with whatever you have learned. It truely can be a waste of time to expect other people to give you the chance to actually state YOUR side. The best way to handle it is to simply discard THEM and move on and do your best to work on YOU and YOUR OWN PERSONAL STRENGTH and KNOWLEDGE. Because if you don't do that, the chances of you finding the QUALITY people that are really going to MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE, will not happen. Instead you will be in some group finding ways to allow them to abuse you in some way which isn't really GROWTH for you at all.

This goes for ALL relationships, friends, boyfriends, husbands, wives and even family too. You have to be willing to NOT allow others to abuse you if you can, and that can be a real challenge in life. Hey, I am working on that myself and with the mental illness I am struggling with, it is an unbelievable challenge for me.
IDK, for me, the more I hurt the more I feel sorry for others that hurt too, and for me it has always been that way. And even in that, most people don't get that either because they don't know, nor do they care to know.

So, keep trying Gothgirl and learn to walk away and move on even if it hurts and isn't fair, yes it is hard but it is a waste of your time to get angry and want revenge. And to be honest, these people in this group will get their own hurtful lessons too.

((((HUGS))))
Open Eyes

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by Gothgirl7

I was dating a friend of a friend for a year. Everything seemed great and I was in love. Then I got dumped out of the blue one day. I was in shock, as you would be. He said that I can't communicate and have no social skills- even though he dumped me by text. And that I have no self confidence and no self esteem. All BS. To rub salt into the wound, he said he "should've dumepd me a long time ago". I was completely devasted. I was like WTF?

I asked his friend if he was cheating. She played dumb and denied knowing anything. But I'm not stupid and know he tells his best friend and his wife EVERYTHING. To make it worse I was friends with all his friends. They all completely cut me off without even hearing my side. I was suicidal at the time and really needed support. Yet my ex was probably already screwing someone else. And yet everyone still took this players side? WTF?

I've read others stories and have NEVER come across this, where everyone doesn't even care about the dumpee at all.

I ran into these ex friends a year later. And thy completely ignored me. I just can't believe I used to be friends with these people at all. I don't know if I should've taken the high road. It just played right into my exes wishes. And he still got to be the victim. I would love to insult these sheep who took his side. What was the point in doing the right thing? No one cared remotely about me. I hope his friends get divorced or something. See how arrogant they would be then? If anything bad happened to these people, I seriosuly couldn't pick more deserving people. Why are people such complete sheep? And these people used to think they were better than me. What a complete utter joke?

That comment in the bolded would have been enough for me to completely forget about this dude. I don't mean any harm by saying this but, he is not thinking about you so why are you so caught up in what him and others think?

[Open Eyes]

Gothgirl, I know I wrote a lot, a lot to think about for you. But I could tell that somehow the simple good answers were not hitting home with you somehow. And to be honest I experienced similar things in my life and I just wanted more than the simple "move on" kind of answers I guess. I can see that you are angry and I don't blame you, they were definitely not nice. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one that happens to and how to look at that type of situation so you don't waste your time and instead actually gain the knowlege you need that helps you do what everyone here is advising.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Gothgirl7]

Coz it annoys me that this jerk is so popular. Yet I'm the one that got isolated and depressed. Coz I ended up with no one and I've been depressed. It would've helped so much if I had of had some friends actually stick By me.

[Gothgirl7]

Coz I never got any closure not even from the ex friends.

[Gothgirl7]

I was like completely alone in this.