[Curious Mew]

Up until recently, I seem to have fallen into a midlife crisis. Since birth; I have always been alone, always shy around people, and never completely independent of my parents... they are all I have.

At 14 I fell into a traumatizing event and have been with a mental disorder called OCD ever since. I am unable to do things without having to shower afterwards; such as going out in public or hugging my mom. A day with OCD is a constant struggle, often preventing my heart from what it needs most.

Over the years, I have accumulated a lot of angst. I have always found myself pushed around by people who felt superior than me. I have taken so much verbal abuse over the years, my self-esteem is normally quite low. Every time I see a happy couple holding hands, I just want to cry puddles. Tearfully, I am always having to relish through other people's successes. For once in my life, why can't it be other way around? Every night I go to bed, I just look up at my ceiling. In a bed with enough space for two people.. I ask myself, is this really all that life has to offer? The older I get, the more I fear a never ending solitude.

I am currently seeking a therapist for help, but am undergoing feelings of frustration. Unwilling to open my heart up to a male therapist, I'm having trouble finding a female who is reasonably proximate and accepting new patients. The best thing I have came across so far; putting my name on the waiting list. How fitting, the story of my life.

I am reminded of a movie called Bridge To Terabithia. About a boy named Jess and a girl named Leslie, who eventually become close friends through Jess' secret love of drawing, and Leslie's secret love for fantasy stories. Together they create an imaginary kingdom in the woods near their homes, accessible only by a rope swing hanging over a creek. They name their kingdom Terabithia, declaring themselves King and Queen, spending every day after school there. In Terabithia, they are able to face their real-life challenges, such as that of an 8th grade bully.

Reflecting on this, my heart has always wanted the exact same friendship. Something to tear my mind away from everything; the angst, the loneliness; the OCD and the pain of everything that comes with it. I would give anything for it, if only I knew where to find it.

[Perna]

I would look for a workbook or something to help me with my OCD while I wait for a therapist?

http://www.vetmed.wsu.edu/academic/counseling/ocd.aspx (good book recs at the bottom of the page)

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topic...cd/index.shtml

There's a good OCD forum here on PsychCentral, check that out for what others are doing/experiencing; maybe it will help with not feeling so lonely? It's a tough problem to have but it can be helped.

Good luck!