I can't tell

I can't tell if I'm capable of love, or if I just THINK I'm in love but I secretly have some evil motive.

I often feel like an evil narcisstic incapable of really empathizing with people...

Its probably for this reason that, at 23, I've never had sex or a girlfriend. Girls flirt with me and I get nervous. I'm heterosexual and I masturbate quite often, but EVEN masturbation hurts now

If you have not had a girlfriend or been around girls much, you can't tell what love is like; it's like when we were 16 and thinking about driving, we thought we knew, could look at and "see" it and imagine it, etc. but what would it really be like, would we be able to manage merging onto a freeway?

Physical attraction is not all there is to love; it's a great place to help get you. . . attracted so you and a girl flirt and start conversing and keep you attracted, like magnetism keeps magnets together so you can get to know the other person better and see if you want to go further. But sex is just the chemical attraction thing that helps us, not the "point" even though it has a point like thirst causing drinking does.

Maybe think of it that way; you're thirsty and all the women are filling their jars of water around the village fountain so you wander over and get into bantering back and forth about who is going to help you get a drink. One woman you like the looks of offers you her water dipper to drink from and you start a bit of a conversation ("Are you married?" :-) and depending on the response, you agree to meet at the cafe for coffee the next morning before each of you wander off to work, etc.

Can you explain what is your evil motive?

I have these fantasies where people talk about how handsome I am...it's really screwed up...but I know that I felt alright being held, but I don't think she wants anything to do with me