[Schu]

I have been involved with a guy in a friendship/sexual relationship arrangement for about nine months. It has been an extremely difficult situation that I'm struggling to understand and cope with. I did some research online and he seems to have the traits of a sociopath. I'm really hoping that someone here may be able to provide me with some insight.

By his own admission and confirmed by a former male friend of his he has had a multitude of sexual partners, potentially in the hundreds. He has also run multiple relationships at once - he was seeing three women at a time at one stage and had one of them believing that he was living with her in a committed arrangement. He told me that when his best friend went into the Big Brother house he hooked up with the guy's girlfriend and when his friend was released from the house they were the two people supposed to be there and instead his friend was informed of what had happened while he was inside the house. He watches a lot of porn and masturbates a lot. He is very detached when it comes to sex and with people he is emotionally involved with he doesn't actually have a lot of it. The sex is extremely reckless - always unprotected.

He lies all the time. He will answer a direct question with a lie, misrepresent an entire situation, maintain a lie even in the face of overwhelming evidence or come up with another explanation that is inconsistent with his previous one, seems to lie for no apparent reason as though he prefers telling a lie over a harmless truth and also appears to anticipate when I might figure out he's lying and justify matters in advance. His movements don't add up and we frequently have apparent misunderstandings about dates and times and places and information that I'm sure I haven't mixed up.

He didn't tell me he was married the first night we slept together despite this subject being part of the discussion we had. When I found out I was pregnant and got in touch with him he immediately told me he was separated in part over the issue of him not yet wanting children. There were frequent indicators that he wasn't separated, but he always had an explanation, sometimes in advance of me seeing the indicator. It was not an easy thing for me to confirm because both our jobs had us flying back and forth across the country. When I hired a private investigator a couple of months ago and confirmed he was living with his wife he told me the arrangement had only been like that for about 4-6 weeks and that he didn't tell me because it was 'a difficult discussion to have'. Despite me saying that if he was still actually with his wife we wouldn't be sleeping together he had slept with me even in that 4-6 week period, although I now feel he wasn't separated at all. During that period I had specifically asked him if he was seeing with/involved with anyone else and he had said he wasn't.

There has always been strangeness surrounding his living arrangements in the city where we were both based last year. He was flying into that city to work and only going back home every second weekend or so. He would never let me see his place in the one in which he was working despite the fact that his wife was in the other city. He often queried whether I had room at my place for him to stay. I have heard rumours that he didn't pay rent anywhere and kept having to move on and that this is a pattern of behaviour that has existed for several years. He claimed to me that he owned a couple of properties then told me his house was not only in his name then when I discovered that the house he lives in in his home town is only in his wife's name he came up with a story about a private contract. When he has borrowed people's cars he has racked up thousands of dollars of parking fines and then won't pay them. I've always paid for everything when we go out. He was taken to court by the woman he convinced he was living with for unpaid rent. He never disputed the judgement so she had it entered in her favour by default. He has never paid it, even going so far as to pretend to make an online transfer and send her a screenshot of doing so, only to not actually complete the transfer.

He told me he was pursuing a big job opportunity in his home town and kept me informed of all his progress. I would buy him gifts and write him cards to mark every milestone. He seemed to be under so much stress and struggling financially so I offered him the money to sort out his credit card between ending his current job and starting the new one. The story kept changing about when he would take up this new position, then he claimed he was in this new position. I have since found out that he is not. *

When I directly challenge him on lies or misunderstandings or issues I am confronted with anger and aggression, personally attacked and insulted, often told that I should have asked him sooner or figured it out beforehand and the conversation is shut down then he disappears for days at a time. When I try to talk through things to find out what is going on and reach out with empathy I am dismissed and told that he doesn't want to 'devote time to the matter'. Sometimes I hear from him as though nothing has happened, other times I feel guilty for suspecting him and go crawling back. When I found out about the new job lie I turfed him then asked him for my money back then felt bad for him and figured there must be an explanation so reached out with a lot of empathy and hoped he would do the decent thing. Instead he called me an attention-seeker, said that my pursuit of my money was all about continuing engagement with him, offered me the amount that he considered a loan that he'd asked for but refused to discuss the money I'd offered under false pretenses or even the lies he had told. *

When he has told me about situations where he has behaved badly towards people like the above he has always seemed oddly intellectual about it - he says all the right things about remorse and mistakes but there doesn't seem to be any emotion attached to the comments. He also talked about his sexual abuse as a child and adoption in a similar manner. However I have since heard that when he told those stories to others in the past there would be tears and sobbing. I've never seen any emotion from him other than anger. He would frequently be late without explanation, sometimes arrange to see me and then not turn up and not inform me and get angry with me for being annoyed about that.
Sometimes he would do things for me like drive me to the airport or express concern for my welfare. But most of the time there was no substance to his concern for me. When I went through the termination he picked me up, dropped me at home and went back to work then came back to my place and had a nap for two hours while I organised dinner. When I tried to talk to him about the termination he promised he would then didn't then when we finally sat down the conversation was all about how unfair my attitude to him was while I sat there thoroughly confused because I didn't think my attitude to him was that bad. He's often ask "if I was OK" or "if he'd done anything wrong" but I always felt it was just checking to make sure things were OK between us and that I hadn't discovered something.

For all that I have read it seems to fit sociopathy perfectly. But how can he be married to a woman who I know is extremely intelligent and capable based on her job (which I have confirmed)? How can he have duped her? Is it possible he's just a compulsive liar with a sex addiction or something else? Could he just be a mixed up individual who did things out of desperation? Am I the problem and am looking at this situation all wrong?

The relationship is over and I am planning to take him to court to try to recover my money. I am just so confused and would really appreciate any insight for my own peace of mind.

[Leed]

I'm SO glad you've gotten out of this very toxic relationship! This man is definitely SICK -- and spending any more time with him would definitely be not only financially hurtful, but emotionally!

I'm not capable of putting a "label" on this man as to whether he's a sociopath or not, but I think anyone can see that he's definitely SICK. He needs help and badly. I doubt that HE thinks he needs it, but he sure does! i sympathize with his wife -- I can't imagine what she must go thru.

Good luck getting your money back -- I hope you get it, although it might be like pulling hen's teeth. Please take care & Good luck. Hugs, Lee

I agree..the label isn't important. Why complicate your life with a lawsuit that will very likely be thrown out or not even heard. Move on and take it as a lesson learned.

[di meliora]

Hello, Schu. Talk to a lawyer for advice about pursuing a lawsuit. If the guy has no money you may not be able to collect it even with a judgment. PC is not the place to obtain legal advice.

[Schu]

I think the purpose of my post has been confused.

I'm not here for legal advice or opinions on the legalities. I have a solicitor acting for me. I am solely interested in any psychological insight that can be provided. I only stated that I was pursuing him for completeness to the commentary.

Please move on. Please consider getting some relationship counseling to help you meet and select more appropriate partners. All the best to you!

[Harley47]

I agree with what said...the label isn't important. The man obviously has something very wrong with him, and you've done well by getting out.

As far as how he has been able to dupe his wife, I don't think it's quite as hard as you're making it to be, unfortunately. Based on what you've said about this guy, he's incredibly manipulative anyway, and seems to think steps ahead in order to cover his lie. Couple that with a job that requires time away from home anyway and the inherent trust typically given to a husband, I would guess he's playing off the circumstances of his job with his wife. That's only my guess though.

You certainly are not the problem here...if anything, I'd call you a victim to this guy's sick drives. People like that can be incredibly manipulative and...well, "smooth," for lack of better word. My only advice as far as the future goes is to be aware of signs like this in future partners, and insist upon protection.

I truly hate to ask this, and I beg your forgiveness if I offend...but you mentioned this guy has had partners "in the hundreds" and the sex was always unprotected...have you thought about getting...well, a check up, so to speak?

I am sorry this man has put you through what he has. I think you're making a great decision by leaving him and taking him to court for your money. We are here for you if you need us.

[di meliora]

Hi Edamame101,

Unfortunately, no one here at Psych Central can diagnose you ortell you for sure if you have one mental disorder or illness compared to another. Being a peer support site, we are here to support each other and give ideas of what has worked for us in similar situations.

I think the best anyone can help you with is to tell you that only a professional can diagnose what issue you may be dealing with. There is testing that can be done.

I hope you are able to find a professional and discuss your problem(s) with them. Be as open and honest as you can be, it's the only way you will be able to get the help designed just for you.

I wish you well!
sabby

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...ighlight=sabby #3

[KeepingPace]

If he is a sociopath- which is very likely, a lawsuit will not make him do anything and will not make him pay a dime to you. Consider your lost money as tuition in the school of hard knocks. I think truthfully if you can relocate to another city that would also be wise. Lie low until he finds another victim to work out his issues on... he will go away when he can't get what he wants anymore and finds another -naive? young woman. These guys do not change EVER. Read some of the books written by Ann Rule and you will see what I mean and you will learn a lot. Seriously! And sincerely!

trust your instincts. If you even THINK there is something wrong, or have to ask the question, then trust yourself and get as far away as possible.

If it turns out to be nothing then OK. If it turns out to be SOMETHING, OK.
As long as you are safe. That is what counts.