[ddar23]

I'm having trouble communicating with my boyfriend about anything. I always find a way to lie, to hide my emotions. Making him think that there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm perfect. I know that I'm not perfect. I have mistakes and trouble in my life, but I want to show that I don't. I don't how to help myself by not lying. I want to show that I'm human. Advice anyone?

[Leed]

Are you afraid he'll leave you if you show him that you have 'flaws?" I suspect he already knows that you have a few anyway. LOL Why not just let him see the "real" you and open up and really talk to him? If you want to truly be close to him, you're going to have to tell him a few facts about yourself, not a bunch of made up stories. He's liable to find out the real stuff anyway, and you don't want him to think you're a liar.

Spend an evening just talking. Fix a nice dinner or something, and sit down and talk. Just explain that you were afraid before and now you want to clear things up. I'm sure he'll understand. Best of luck, and keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

[lenssor]

I'm there myself with my gf and I've been to that road for two years now.
I always thought that I'm protecting her from something and since she has her own problems I do everything to help her. I've sidelined my problems for so long, which hasn't been easy and now it has started to show again.

(So what I can say is not to be like me, really!)

But I've promised myself if I can get through this and if I can get the help I need, I'm going to reward myself by being open and sharing her things that I haven't been able to share before.
Right now I'm too fragile and too scared of other things to do that. I have to go one day at a time..

[beauflow]

'm having trouble communicating with my boyfriend about anything. I always find a way to lie, to hide my emotions.

Do you mean anything as in ANYTHING- even perhaps what you like and dislike in general-- Or is it more of specifically things that he does?

Emotions I can understand that but then again, I with myself - I tend to fester and eventually they come out- (over years I have learned on not blowing but tactfully bringing it up-- it still working progress) And getting better with the less festering part.... What Leed said

Are you afraid he'll leave you if you show him that you have 'flaws?"

is one of my own fears with this; but over 3+ years that Fear has lessened and I am more up and front with things these days due to my boyfriend's support of saying Don't let it fester, Talk to me, Let me know...... He knows a lot of my past, that stuff for me was easy to be honest with about- In away when getting into the relationship I knew my past would prevail problems if I just tried to hid it due to it is stuff I need to work on- Perhaps my whole life... With being honest with him, he was able to be honest with me on some of his stuff (NOT to say that always works) but it did bring us closer- Also down the road from when we frist got together to now-- he has been so understanding with things that I think if I had not been honest with him he may not been so understanding .. just saying..
I feel like I am babbling.... I am not sure even if any of this relates to what you are in.

what are your fears with this could probably help with advice to be given on your dilemma here.

Lenssor-- Taking things slowly with what you are doing I think is a right approach. (BTW Glad to read here you are getting help and helping yourself )

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by ddar23

I'm having trouble communicating with my boyfriend about anything. I always find a way to lie, to hide my emotions. Making him think that there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm perfect. I know that I'm not perfect. I have mistakes and trouble in my life, but I want to show that I don't. I don't how to help myself by not lying. I want to show that I'm human. Advice anyone?

This is a tough thing to decide. I've done both. With my previous BF, I let it all out, told him everything. For me, it was the wrong thing to do. I don't know if it made him dislike me, or if I just assumed he would because I showed him my worst side. Anyway, I became very paranoid, started acting like the person I was describing but full time instead of only part time. So ultimately he couldn't take me anymore and left. I'm in a new relationship now. I took the opposite tact at first. But it's kind of hard to hide the fact that I am in therapy 4x/week. So I let him know small details bit by bit. I tried to normalize them though. For example, I could say A)"I'm depressed 24/7, periodically SI, have frequent suicidal thoughts, have wild emotional swings and suffer from abandonment issues and other Borderline personality traits." Or - I could say B)"I'm suffering from PTSD due to some issues in my past and how my ex treated me but I'm a whole lot better than I was a year ago and the therapy I'm in helps me so much with my relationships so I think it's a huge positive. So I'm just telling you in case you see a scary person show up every once in a while. I'm going to try my best to keep her away from you". So in the first post marriage relationship I described above, I essentially did the first (not all in one sitting mind you) and it was a BAD idea. In the second (current) relationship, I did the second. It is totally the right thing for me. It's like I'm painting the situation in the best light possible, not overdramatizing it, not trying to get sympathy or lean on him, just telling him what he needs to know so he can just try to be patient and understanding when I'm suffering from my issues. So basically I try to word things in such a way that it sounds like I'm an OK person to be around. And it puts me in a much better head space and also makes me a lot less paranoid about abandonment.

I hope this makes some kind of sense. I wish you the best.

[shezbut]

ddar,

I think that there are a few variables which make communication more or less easy.

1.) It depends upon how strongly ingrained this behavior is within you.

2.) Are you able to be honest in other relationships (with friends &/or family)?

3.) Is you bf open and honest with you about his emotions and experiences?

Hopefully, the behavior isn't deeply ingrained within you ~ ruining most relationships that you've had. I hope that you are able to maintain other relationships in a healthy way & that you decide to sit down with your bf and have a serious talk. I agree with Leed, your imperfections won't surprise your bf. Chances are good that he's already noticed some of these little things.

Like a few of the above posters, I'm more on the extreme side myself. A big problem that follows me wherever I go is the difficulty in being open and sharing my true feelings. Some issues have been gone over every which way in my head, and I feel very ambiguous and Q everything. I'm working on getting off this tough road I'm on, but it isn't overnight and it takes a lot of work, building up trust in others, and building self-esteem.

Best wishes to you!