Drifting?

Me and (I think) another friend have noticed lately that a close friend of ours is drifting and I'm not exactly sure what I should about it or how to handle it, exactly, since it's been happening gradually, and obviously these things do happen in life and there's only so much one person can do. Basically, she's 4-5 years older than us, she lives thousands of miles away in South-East Asia, so obviously from that distance away there was always a low probability of meeting up or anything like that though we talked about it a bit (BTW we met on an online game and etc, I met her first in Jan 2008 the other friend met her in Mar 09), plus phone calls and text always costed a bomb so we rarely did them, we spoke/speak mostly on Facebook and MSN in trio conversations. She's basically always been a good and supportive friend of ours, kinda like a big sister, like she's been there for most our worst troubles and we met her when she was going through her own troubles at university and with family and stuff.

Since leaving university last year she's got a very busy full-time job, which naturally means she'll be around a lot less anyway, she spends most of her free-time with friends she knows in person and speaking to her boyfriend and stuff like that, it was all okay originally, but I've noticed over the past year she's slowly drifted as I said, she still talks to us every now and again on facebook, comes on MSN once in a blue moon and still likes/makes small comments on things like pictures, but that's as far as it goes. She has beaten all her mental health problems and has stopped self-harming for like 3 years now which is good. Another thing is she seldom replies to our facebook trio convo anymore, she still does, but not as much as he used to, even though she does be on facebook still.

Does this friendship sound like it's dissolving? Is there anything we can/should do? Or do you think it's time to kinda let go, we would prefer not to but yeah. I've sent her a PM on Facebook.

Thanks. xx And sorry for the long message, it's just on my mind.

I feel your pain, I`ve had both in person and online friendships that have gone similar routes as yours. But that is the nature of life. People change, circumstances change and improve. You really care about her and she cares about you and your other friend. I say keep in contact! Just because her mode of communicating has changed doesn`t mean you have to change. Sometimes we must keep friendships going if the other person doesn`t. I personally had dropped off in contacting people I cared for very much because of various issues and challenges I had in my own life. It didn`t mean I cared for them any less. But to them it may have looked like that but they never said anything. The bottom line is showing you care for a friend is never time wasted. Just be there for her and you keep the contact. Don`t say anything though. Friendship dynamics change overtime it`s ok it doesn`t mean anything is wrong. Good luck

Hi ~ These long distance friendships ARE kind of hard to maintain, since you can't spend time together. She sounds like she's very busy now, with her job and friends. Maybe she just doesn't have the time now to spend on the computer like she used to. That doesn't mean she doesn't care for you -- it just means that she's kind of moving on in her life. Try not to take it personally. I don't think you'd want her to sit at home and neglect her personal life, just to sit at the computer.

You may not hear from her often, but go ahead and keep in contact with her. But if you don't hear from her don't feel badly. Hopefully she'll contact you when she can. If you don't hear from her in a reasonable length of time, I think I'd just back off. You can always wait until SHE contacts you. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Since I'm the third friend I kinda felt I should add my two cents. I do agree with you tbh, I miss her a lot too and I have noticed that shes rarely been around especially since I got ill since I've been around a lot more to notice it more too. We can't really stop her but I guess talking to her about it won't do much harm, It might just be that her new lifestyle means that it takes up a lot more time but then there is the fact she is still on facebook but doesn't actually reply, maybe shes not sure what to say? It does make me wonder too but I guess as long as we have each other and we find out whether she wants to remain in contact or not we need to move on I guess :/ x

I would say keep in touch because she is still your friend. But also give her some space - i.e., don't confront or pressure her to remain in contact with you. If your friendship is solid, it will remain solid. The extended time lapse will just give you more to talk about when you do connect again.

I have a very dear IRL friend I met online several years ago. We used to chat on a daily basis and sometimes talk for hours on the phone. Now, we only speak occasionally, maybe twice a year. The reason we don't speak is because her life is very full now. She's doing the things she wants and needs to do to keep herself alive and well. I miss the opportunity to be in her daily life, but I'm thrilled she's thriving in the real world.

I hope you'll be able to remain friends. If you do drift apart altogether, I hope you'll both carry fond memories of each other.

Here`s another thought I had. When people go online they often use others to fill a void in their life. When things are going wrong they are in the house sulking and they are online. When everything is better they are out and about, not online. It`s human nature to fill our own voids with what ever works and online is a way to do that. I`m not saying your friend is not a true friend but this is simply my perspective on general online friendships. Being that I have had contact with tons of people online (only 4 I`ve considered friends and 1 who`s still a dear friend) since I was a teenager and I stopped online chatting in my early 20s. It all seems very phony because after a while it became obvious who the people were that were using me. Pretty much everyone (all men) except one friend whom I`ve known for 11 years. He is a true friend but he has gone through the ringer in his life, yet went above and beyond the call of duty when he had supported and encouraged me through a tough, emotionally abusive relationship when I was 20 and he also takes care of his parents financially, helping his care for his mother and has put his sister through college, 12 hour work days and still keeps going. He still messages me a few times a year which is great and I treasure that. But I know what he is going through with his work obligations and helping his father take care of his MI mother. She has been getting worse over the last couple years and in the hospital alot too. But I wouldn`t question for a second why he isn`t contacting me. He had been a loyal friend and proved it a million times. So with good friends we must treasure the good times even if those times are rare now.

Thanks for the responses, Leed, Kathy, Az and Sakura, you all have points and given me something to think of, really, but we were back in contact last night, she says she does try but finds facebook awkward and doesn't go online at work anymore since it makes her unproductive which is when I'd catch her on sometimes which I think actually makes sense. The timezone's always been a bit weird anyway, since we're in the UK and she's 8 hours ahead of us and etc.