[sbikash]

Hi, I am here for my wife ... she is suffering a lot. We have 7 years married life but actual we never live life as a married couple since our marriage. Our marriage was arranged by our parents with my marriage proposal to my wife parents. First they said, they need time to decide what they think about our marriage and after two days they agree. Before I am going to tell about my wife I want to explain about my status and mindset. I was broken heart from my school love and I decided never involve with any such relation. But after 6 years my family members like my elder brother, sister they are forcing me to get married because my age was 30+. Then I decide I should get married with a girl for whom I will live my life. I will give all the support to her and give her my best love. So, I found this girl she was very young and very much attract with my appearance. I thought she has full of energy and very sweet with full of dream in her mind. And my duty will give her all the love and support so she get touch what she wanted. Not in other sense, I never gone for sex only. I know sex without love no means for me.

When her parents accept my proposal discuss the matter with my elder brother. They decide we are going to get married soon. But its took 1 and half years time. My wife she was 19 years and some months. Now, I realise, I was so wrong . . .but after getting married everything was fine, she was so sweet and trying to settle everything in my home. She ask not to go for sexual life till she want with her age. And I never force her and till date. After 3 months of our marriage I found she started living life in depression and I thought its because she left her own home, so I try to keep in touch with her family and give her time to spent with them, so she should not feel alone. After 3 months of our marriage one day I found a strip of tablets "SARETA 25MG". I ask what is this for. She said, it is for her tension. Then I ask my mother in law and father in law. When they know this is important then why they did not inform me and ask me to help her to continue the medicines. But they said, it is nothing, she will be fine just continue medicine now. I did. Some time she feel good some time she is not. Days gone pass this way. Life become hell. But I tried my level best. I took her to psychiatrist . . .they just raise the power of the tablet "SARETA 50MG" . . .I try to continue with my love and affection to her. But as a male it is not possible for me to live all the time with her. I have to work and go outside. When I go out she never took the medicine on time. Again its become more headache. Then again I went to doctor . . .they never come any solutions. Suggest leave her to their center . . .but she is not ready to stay there. So, the prescribe same medicine again. So, I continue . . .

By the time I tried to involve her in education, vocational training, dance training, but she has no interest on all these. She has full of dream but hardly try to get it. How can I manage that? it is really hardlife for me . . .I am totally broken . . . as a designer I try to spent lots of time with her so I bring my computer at home . . so I can work at home and give time to her . . .by the time I will teach her computer, internet, design . . .I tried a lot . . .by all whatever I teach her, she only like Yahoo Chat . . .I said, it is good, but not for all the time . . .she refuse to hear me . . .she started chatting with young boys from different part night long . . .I become angry and ask her to leave all these. Still she did not care. I started showing my anger, tell her parents what she doing . ..they blame it is me who make their child bad . . .and my wife she started saying that I am OLD man, I am not her kind . . .so, I should not touch her . . .So, I ask ok . . .if you did not love me, then you leave me, you can take divorce. But she didnt and I express what she feel about me to her parents they also ignore me. Now, we are just live together ... she is still a girl child and I am as I was . . .for her I am father figure at home . . .every need I have to fulfill that . . .and she will not leave my home or accept me I am her husband . . . .Her parents says, they are not going to keep her in their home . . .Now I got to know they have plan where I am fall . . .but my attachment with her is always . . .still I do care for her . . .Now, my age is 39 and she is 26 years . . .

Last couple of month she again started living life in depression . . .thinking that some body might inside home and is going to rape her, or use her tooth brash, or some one use her under garments, etc. etc. . . .Now, days she is hitting me, put my head on the wall . . then i heat back her too when I can not handle . . .

Please please suggest me what can I do now? I am helpless . . .I am so much broken that I can not find the pieces to collect and fix it . . .

Regards
Shubhendu

[Leed]

It sounds pretty terrible! Is there some sort of counseling there that the both of you could go to? Do you think she would go?

It sounds like she is totally rebelling and just does not want to be in the marriage anymore. I don't understand why she just doesn't get a divorce, if she feels that you're just a "father figure."

You know, YOU can start divorce proceedings if you're that miserable. And it sounds like you ARE. Why put yourself thru so much misery? If she really doesn't want this marriage, just divorce her. If she will not go to therapy, then end it. YOu need to have a life too.

Please take care of yourself. I wish you the very best. Hugs. Lee

[kindachaotic]

Hello, I could give a bit of an opinion or I would do this or that, but...
I have no understanding, at all, of your culture. Not that's it's wrong, just so different here in US.

Do you think if you went ahead with divorce, would her parents take her back in. Maybe some other relative would take her in, as you seem pretty miserable.
Best wishes.

[wagneriansinger]

Shubhendu, you might seek couples' counseling before throwing in the towel. Since you state you live in New Delhi, finding a therapist who understands your culture should not be difficult as it would be if you lived here in the US. Sounds like depression is a significant issue, so perhaps if your wife could get appropriate treatment with meds AND the two of you could sort things out with a good therapist, you might make this work and be a happy man.

Divorce is easy. Working through the issues to see if common ground can be reached and mutual happiness achieved is hard. If you go through the hard work of therapy and medication and things still don't work out, you can always divorce then, but at least you will have done your best, yes?

Bear in mind that therapists are like plumbers: you might have to hire several to find the best one.

Hope that helps and good wishes to you,
Anne