[jaycarmelo25]

Hi;everyone, I have a really tough stressful situation going on,and I needhelp please! I have a 16 month old daughter and she is my everything.Byers mom and I were going to get engaged last month but on our celebrating night I consumed more alcohol than I can handle.. she hasn't spoke to me at all on a month.. back in December of 2011 she stopped talking to me Aswell for 2 months because she was talking to some one else , so I started seeing someone else as well..the new girl I was seeing , her and I broke up because we learned that we don't have feelings for eachother like that , and plus my daughters mom was saying that she misses me and stuff, and we love eachother like we always have, so we worked things out and got back together.. like I said my daughters mom And I broke up last month because an alcohol induced argument ..and I just got a call from the girl I was seeing in December of 2011 saying that she's pregnant. And due this August.. I'm in love with my daughters mom and we are going thru a lot right now and now I have this on my plate Wichita is stressing me out because I want to be honest with my daughters mom but I don't know how to tell her.. what should I do?

[jaycarmelo25]

What should I do? I only want to do what's right

[Sojourn]

Thanks for sharing jay and sorry to hear about your predicament. That is a tough place to be.

First off, I would encourage you to get help with the alcohol problems. It appears alcohol has caused some serious complications for you and you are going to need a clear head to organize your situation. If you really want to fix this then that is a good start, the alcohol will do nothing to help you, so ditch it.

The best policy is honesty I'm afraid. You are going to have to approach the situation with gentleness and courage. You are going to find out how strong your relationships are by confessing the situation and working through it. Keep in mind the important and necessary role you play as a father to your children and let that help guide the decisions you make. There is no easy answer here. It is going to be a difficult process to rectify all of this so. Sit down, have a talk with both women separately and tell them everything. There will probably be some strong emotions initially but be a good listener and convince them you are serious about being responsible and working things out the best you can.

I hope everything works out for you. No matter what happens, don't give up. Be there for your kids at the very least. If you love your daughters mother then work hard to fix the relationship. Look for support from friends and family and you can also look for help from a couples counselor or a therapist. Take advantage of all the help you can get. It works out much better than trying to do it all on your own. It's not going to be easy but you want to do the right thing so stay focused on that.

[whatbeanbelieved]

I agree with Sojourn. I think honesty is really your best bet. Clearly you want to be there for your daughter. And I'm sure you'll feel the same way for your child, coming along in August. So no matter what the consequences with either of these women, honesty is the best thing for the kids. Best of luck.

[wagneriansinger]

You certainly are in a tough situation and honesty isn't just the best option, it's really the only one if you want a future with your girlfriend and because your first child now has a half-sibling. If you were that child, you'd want to know about that half-sibling. If you were that child's mother, you'd want to know if your man fathered another child.

Just a basic question: are you certain these children are yours? If no DNA testing has been done, you cannot be certain. If one or both mothers apply for welfare, social services will come after you for money. If you want to be a father to these children and one of these women chooses to move far away, you will have no rights to a relationship with the kids unless you have proven that you are their dad. Might be something to get done?

As two others have mentioned, it's obvious you have a problem with alcohol. I'd suggest treatment for your alcohol problem and carrying condoms in your wallet. And come clean with your girlfriend. Stuff like this has a tendency to get out of control and someone else will tell her if you don't and then the problem is even bigger.

Good luck! Take action!

Anne

Anne

[Ft1980]

own up bro. I'm telling the truth when I say that hiding it and someone else spilling it is a lot worse than it has to be.

[lido78]

Before you speak with either woman, please be sure of what you want to do and how you are going to do it. I assume that you will take full responsibility for this second child if it is yours, so I hope you have a plan for how to help out financially. If you do have a problem with alcohol (not sure if the argument was an isolated incident or if you have history of this) try to make a plan to get help. I'm sure that both women would prefer to have any conversation with you include a clear and well thought out plan of action...two babies, two different women...take some time and think this through before you speak to them...come up with solutions and alternatives. I think this will help you be better prepared because both women are sure to be emotional...stay calm and remember the most important parties in this are the innocent kids who could get really tossed around in a complicated situation like this. Good luck!

[Leed]

The others are right, but as Wagneriansinger said - you MUST make sure that the child is YOURS. Any woman can claim that a man is the father of her child, but it doesn't mean that it's TRUE. You will need DNA testing to be sure. She COULD be lying. Lots of women do this just to get the man they want or to break up a marriage! Rotten, but true.

Honesty is best. It could seriously harm your current relationship, but SHE was seeing someone else too, so she could have become pregnant just as easily. She may not see it that way, and I'm NOT condoning what you did -- but maybe it will make it easier once you tell her.

Anyway -- best of luck, and i hope things work out and that the child isn't yours. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[wagneriansinger]

Speaking of DNA testing, here's a Google search for cheap DNA testing. You can do DNA testing with a home kit! Who knew??? Like for $7! Looks like you swab the inside of your cheek and that of the baby with a cotton swab (ie, q-tip) then do the test. I don't know if this would hold up in court (probably not) but at least it's a first step.

Obviously, you cannot do home testing for DNA on baby #2 before it's born, but it appears simple to do immediately after the birth.

Once you know for sure whether or not you're the father of one or more of these children, then you can make plans, as someone else said, for how you want to involve yourself in their lives and how you plan to support one or both of them.

Hope that was helpful.

Anne