Where do we go from here?

I have a male friend who I've known for just under 2 years. I actually learned of PC from him, so posting this is difficult, knowing we're both members. Things have gotten extremely complicated the last couple months, and I no longer know how to express myself, or even feel comfortable contacting him like before.

To make things clear, we've been friends, hung out together, and sometimes went to concerts or for walks. Things to get each other out of the house. We'd never discussed dating. I'd honestly wondered about it, but was happy having a good friend. I did have another friend ask if we were an item, and I found out later that his son had asked if we were dating.

The issue came up when I went along to his kid's concert, since he didn't want to go alone to the event. Next day his ex was texting me in the early morning from his kids' cell. (I'd okayed for them to have my number for emergencies). I'd been around his kids many times, neither of us thought anything of it. After the ex saw us together, it basically forced us to look more closely at our relationship. She wanted to meet me, which I had no problem with, and can understand having a child and being divorced as well. However, it seemed to become either too much of a hassle to plan for her, or he didn't think she deserved it. It never came around. But there is the statement out "no contact with my children".

So we did have several talks, and agreed that we did at sometime pass over the just friends line, but weren't sure when. Neither are ready for a serious relationship, since were both working on recovery and stuff. We talked about taking it the way we were, just letting it go the way it was and take it slow. I think it's a good idea, yet it's not the same anymore. He's asked that I not be around the kids now. (I don't know if he's doing it to keep his ex from raising any more crap, or if he's concerned about me around them now) So the spontaneous stop by just to say hi is done. It's also got me feeling like calling isn't appropriate anymore, even though I've expressed that concern and he says it's not something to worry about. I guess I just feel like his ex has the final say in it all now. That the friendship won't ever be the same, due to us discussing our feelings, and now the "limitations". I just feel I shouldn't be "told" by someone else when I can see a friend.

Another part, is that he's been one of my main supports, and I'm afraid to contact him anymore. Wednesday at my training/job, I had to leave early for the 2nd day in a row. I managed to drive myself home on Tuesday, but it wasn't possible Wednesday. (I have epilepsy and it's been acting up this week). I kept thinking of calling him to ask for a ride home... I couldn't bring myself to. He had his kids, could be working on a paper, might get his ex mad etc. And eventually had to have a coworker take me to the ER cause I waited too long.

I don't know what to do.. My pdoc knows the situation, and it's almost like he's trying to play a relationship therapist He gave me a quiz to fill out, then out of the blue tells me to compare the answers with my friend, that he's already given him the assignment. I ended my marriage because of the abuse and controlling. And now it seems like the first time I let my guard down, it's back again, only in a different way.... What do I do?

Personally, I think it's ridiculous that he's letting his ex dictate who he can have as a friend! Just because a male and female are "friends" does it also mean they're romantically involved? NO Can't we teach kids that it's ok to have a platonic relationship like that? Does it always have to be a romantic relationship? Good grief. That ex is jealous, and she's teaching the kids the wrong thing. Obviously she'll only "ok" male friends (maybe). Life isn't always like that.

Your friend should stand up to her and tell her to mind her own business. He should be able to be friends with whomever he chooses. But looks like he's going to defer to her wishes, so looks like you've lost. I'm sorry. He needs more of a backbone. I doubt the divorce decree says that he can't have female friends.

I'm sorry this happened. Take care & God bless. Hugs,Lee

This is only tough because of the kids. I agree with Leed but think the ex is probably crazy enough to threaten his custody if she doesn't get what she wants. So, while he should stand up to her, he may not want to deal with her jealousy and how that could affect the children. That, however, is his problem. You may have to act like the friendship is the same initially, but maybe in doing so, you can get the normalcy back. I say to just call him like before...talk about work problems or other topics you usually discuss...it may be awkward at first but it will probably bounce back at some point. Let him deal with the ex.

As for the kids, if your friendship/relationship is confusing even to you and him, it is probably more so for them. While he should, of course, be able to have female friends, it sounds as if this friendship is a bit on the border. Until you two work that out, keeping the kids out of it may not be a bad idea. I had something similar happen...a friendship with a guy that had a daughter (I actually bonded more with her than with him since I have no kids of my own)...at some point I ran into his ex, and we exchanged phone numbers b/c she said her daughter talked about me all the time. In this case it was pretty normal stuff...she would send me a quick text to thank me for a b-day gift I'd given her daughter and not much more than that. But, at one point, she did ask me if he and I were involved. I said that we'd gone out once without the daughter around but that it wasn't a romantic relationship. She was cool with it and that was pretty much it....but she did want to know the nature of the relationship and, given that I was around her daughter quite a bit, I found it to be her right to know.