[P6C6]

Hello,

I am new to this forum, and I am not sure where to discuss this topic, so hopefully this section is OK to start with. Please point me in another direction if this topic belongs elsewhere.

I was told by my parents today that my brother recently quit his job. He did not actually give a resignation . . . he just simply stopped showing up to work a few days ago. Understandably, he was fired.

Over the years, he has constantly complained about pretty much every job he has ever had. The hours, the type of work, the pay, the coworkers, and so on. He would quit one job thinking that the "grass would be greener" at another job. After starting the new job, he would complain about that one.

Yes, we all have things about our jobs that we don't like, but most of us show a stiff upper lip, try to stay positive, and remain thankful for having a job. If it becomes unbearable, we go back to school or re-train for another job. If we don't fear retalition, we go to HR or management, and ask if something can be done to make the situation better, such as moving to another department.

With my brother though, he just whines and moans about EVERYTHING at his job, as if he is the only person in the world who dreads going to work every day.

Granted, he has a long history of mental illness . . . mostly anxiety and depression. He was hospitalized several years ago for anxiety, and after that was able to get a college degree and function mostly normally in society.

About a half-dozen years ago, he was fired from his job, because he was unable to complete the basic duties expected of him. It really wasn't a matter of too many responsibilities or too many hours . . . he just couldn't do the basic, 9-to-5 tasks. He went on to another company, and was also fired after a few years.

The common link in both situations is that he would whine non-stop to his boss and coworkers about his list of duties, or when he got to take his coffee break, or some other general situation. He would get so worked up and shake and twitch and speak in a clipped tone, that it made others around him nervous. He also couldn't talk about non-work things like sports / weather / etc., without treating it like a life-or-death matter.

It would be easy to dismiss the situation as him simply being "uptight" and "needing to relax", but he sees himself as being completely normal, and that he doesn't need to change. Also, he just shows up unannounced at my parents house, and expects them to feed him and give him rent money. As a token of his thanks, he dumps on them for literally hours because his favorite sports team lost a big game.

As for me, well, I'm the "good son". Responsible, same job for several years, and the calm, voice-of-reason. Still, it makes me very angry that I always have to be the harbor in the storm, and that my parents and brother think that I can always put my life on hold for them.

I would like to get married and have a life of my own someday. Still, what if my wife wants to move to another state, away from my parents and my brother? Does that make me a terrible person for wanting to have a calm, rational life where I am not always a 24-hour dumping ground for my brother / parents?

Plus, with my parents moving on in age, I feel a responsibility to be good to them, and stay somewhat close-by. At the same time, if I get dragged down by my brother / parents and their problems, and I live my life in depression, then that is a bad situation, too.

There is also another tricky situation, my other brother is schizoaffective. Fortunately enough, with medication and counseling, he leads a relatively steady life, with a regular job and day-to-day activities.

So, I don't know . . . this is sure an awful lot for a first post, and I apologize if it seems like rambling. I just don't know where to go with this. I remain mostly calm through all of this, but I fear that someday soon, I'm just going to snap and tell off my parents and oldest brother. I've tried to approach them in a rational tone and tell them that I can't always be there for them, but they seem to think that I'm kidding.

What are your thoughts for maybe how I can start to sort this out?

Hi. Yeah, I tried to be the responsible brother for many years. I have 3 younger brothers, my dad died young, one brother is now deceased from cancer, another is an alcoholic, mom is a problem. Been there. I stuffed all my feelings for years. Life goes on and is meant to be lived. So, live your life. Do what you have to do to give your life meaning. Your parents are getting on but are still young enough to deal with your older brother. You don't have to pick up the phone every when they call to vent their problems. That's what answering machines are for. Manage your time with them, e.g., I am only calling twice a week. If your brother complains about his sports team losing, be honest that it's not important to you and you don't want to hear it. It may sound harsh but these are things that have to be said. You want to be close but you want your space too. Have a life - you are entitled to one!

[wagneriansinger]

No, you aren't a terrible person if you want to have a calm, rational life (that was a rhetorical question, right?).

I've been in your shoes. I was the responsible one. Here's what I learned:

1. You cannot change others. You can only change yourself. It sounds like you want someone to say it's OK to let go of fixing everybody else's self-created misery. OK, here ya go: It's OK to let go of fixing everybody else's self-created misery. Now, someone said it. Say that to yourself and believe it. Cause it's true.

2. You deserve to be happy, to live where you wish, with whom you wish and to spend time how, and with whom, you wish.

3. Boundaries are a good thing. Otherwise people walk all over you.

Identify your boundaries so you know in advance what you're open to and what you aren't open to in terms of dealing with these family members. Be warned, they will be angry when you don't react in the Rescuer mode, and try to engage you in a negative interaction to guilt you into backing down. They may cry, argue with you or call you names if you don't react in your "usual" way. Just be pleasant and clear and stand your ground. "I'm sorry you're having these problems" is always a great line to have in your pocket for these occasions. BTW, you do not need to "explain' to them that you need your own life, free of their constant pissing and moaning and poor behaviors. Any reasonable, healthy adult "gets" that, and if they aren't reasonable and/or healthy they won't get it even if you do explain it to them...

Stick to your boundaries. There are times that we want to help friends & family members in emergencies, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your situation. It sounds like ongoing problems that they want you to make go away or at the very least, listen to them as if you were their therapist. They will grow up and deal if they have to, so consider this your contribution to their personal growth. Refusing to constantly rescue them is actually doing them a favor!

Rest assured, they will continue their behaviors anyway and tell you, when you stick to your new boundaries, that you're a selfish jerk because you aren't coming to their rescue. Again, be polite, "I'm sorry you see it that way" and move along, leave the room, say goodbye to the phone caller, whatever it takes. Then take a walk and shake it off. It'll get easier over time and yes, at first you will feel like you're a jerk. Just acknowledge (to yourself) that you feel bad, but that you aren't a jerk when you allow other adults to take care of their problems. Again, eventually you won’t feel guilty about having reasonable adult expectations of yourself and others; ie, it’ll start to feel normal. That’s cause it is normal.

When your brother starts the whining just come up with a reason you can't do that right now, like, you have to get off the phone because the pizza man is at the door, or you left something out in the car and you have to leave the room to go get it, etc. Doesn't matter. Just get away. He'll get the message eventually that you are neither his therapist nor his rescuer and the sooner he gets the idea the sooner he *might* go to therapy. Trying to assertively explain why you don’t wanna partake in his pity party will likely only result in more entanglement, so it’s pointless to go there. Ya don’t owe him an explanation.

Hope that was helpful. Good luck, take action and stick to yer guns!
Anne

PS: You said this: I've tried to approach them in a rational tone and tell them that I can't always be there for them, but they seem to think that I'm kidding.<--That's their way of trying to keep you as The Rescuer, manipulation geared to keep you "stuck." Remember, ya don't have to explain. When you change your response to the behaviors they do that you don't like they will eventually figure out that you aren't kidding. Just like your older brother who shows up unannounced and expects meals and money. He does that because it works; ie, he gets the food and the money. If it didn't work he'd quit doing it.