[goggles]

Hi everyone, I haven't been to this site for a long time. I've been really busy with lots of new RELATIONSHIPS. AAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrghhhhhhh.

I've begun a new life, started a degree course and a have a new major relationship in my life.

This all sounds great but in reality for me its sooo difficult to deal with all of these new relationships. I sometimes wonder if I've taken on too much. On the positive side I'm learning more about relationships and hopefully how to maintain them but it is such a struggle along the way.

My relationship with my boyfriend can be hugely difficult. I've read and relate to so many posts here today. I especially relate to fear of abandonment issues. I have a cycle of intimacy and rejection, where I am able to be close to my boyfriend for a while (usually a week) until I feel really intimate and happy with him and then I will pick up on something small like his moving away from me slightly when we are in bed together and I will freak out
- wail and despair about how awful I am and how awful our relationship is. This pushes him away and then I am mortified because we are no longer close and I have to suffer for another week until we can get to a stage where we are close again.................and then at this point I freak again

And so on.......

I wonder why he puts up with this and I tell him so. Recently I've been getting so frustrated with myself that I've started to kick things a bit (the bin, clothes horse) It's quite frightening for him and myself. I always leave at this point because I recognise that if I haven't already gone far enough that this is going too far.

I'm also becoming involved with more groups of people which I can also find really difficult. I have to meet new groups of people frequently to continue with my course. I tend to be great at making the first move into a group (even if I do say so myself) but when it comes down to perserverance and maintaining relationships I have huge difficulties.

I'm always afraid of rejection after being bullied at school and like many others I am often just waiting to be pushed out of a group. Sometime I do wonder if I'll ever fit in anywhere.

Anyway I hope that someone can relate to this. I could really do with feeling understood. My behaviour seems to be alien to everyone around me sometimes. I can feel so alone.

Thanks for listening, with love, goggles x