[Btp1136]

So my Dad has always been secretive about many things. He also had a hard growing up, his father died when he was 9. He would always tell my mom and my siblings that his mom had hard time after and lived alone until she died. I have just found out from one of his closest friends the reason why he struggles with so much emotionally is not because the early passing of his father, but because he discovered his mother after she committed suicide when he was 14. Now no one really knows about this, he has only told 2 people in his life, and my mom is not one of them. What do I do? Do I bring it up? It explains everything. I'm very confused.

I was raised by an orphaned father. His mother died when he was 3, his father died when he was 9 and his only sibling died when he was 18. All died from TB. He never discussed it with any of his children. Finally, my mom forced me to ask him about it in order to write a paper for school. He told me. I could see it made him very sad. He never spoke about it again. A few years later, one of my brothers was diagnosed with a terminal disease. My dad was devastated. In retrospect, it was his past haunting him again. He died before my ill brother did. I have heard similar stories of holocast survivors who would not discuss their pasts with their children. Perhaps you could help him grieve. Are your grandparents' graves nearby? On mother's or father's day, perhaps you could ask your dad to visit them with you? You could also ask your dad about them since you never met your grandparents. Ask him what they were like. What his childhood with them was like, etc. All the best to you.

[Leed]

Obviously your Dad hasn't really grieved about all this, particularly the horror at finding is beloved mother when she committed suicide -- that HAD to affect him terribly! Back then it was unusual to see a 'therapist' as it was seen as being 'insane" and a stigma was attached to anyone who DID see a psychiatrist or psychologist.

He really does need to see someone, but i seriously doubt at this point that he would agree to it since he was brought up in THOSE times. He probably still thinks that stigma is attached to people who get help.

I really do think this should be done by a professional too who knows what they're doing, as this could be very dangerous for him. I would try to get him to go to one FIRST before trying to do this on your own. Please try.

You could try to sit him down in some quiet room and gently ask him about his past -- but since he's kept it hidden for so long, don't be surprised if he's not willing to talk about it. You can try to get him to talk but be careful and be gentle. He's HURTING and badly. You don't want to bring the horror to the present too quickly. Best of luck and let us know what happens. Again, be careful. Hugs, Lee