[Big Mama]

Hey. I have a concern. I have been doing some thinking. I talked to my T and all I got was "Interesting". Interesting whats that mean. Here's the deal.

My H's brother lived with us when he was 17 years old. He moved in 2 weeks after my H and I were married. This poor kid never had a family who cared. His dad drink and beat all of them. His mom got custody of him. But her new H beat her beyond reckognition. He ran away and she never tried to find him. (he was 10 at the time) He come to live w/ his alcoholic dad, my H's dad to. Any way, He came to live with us because his dad was jailed for 3 years. I wanted to give this young guy the best start in life. So I felt more like his mom. I took him 30 miles to school every day, did his laundry, cooked, what ever a mom would do for her own child. He needed someone to talk to very badly. So I listened alot. We didn't have much money, my H and I. We ate brown beans alot. We couldn't afford to go anywhere and do anything. My H became bitter because he was supporting an extra mouth. My B in law and I would set and play cards for fun, old maid and go fish because it was the only games he new. It bothered my husband terribly that we could have fun in such a juvenile way. So my H would not have fun w/ us. We also read out loud to each other since neither of us could read very well. This to made my husband angry. How could something so dumb be so entertaining.

My B in law finially met a girl, got married and moved out. He was gone for 8 years. He and his wife seperated because he developed a drug and alcohol problem. He moved back in with us. We helped him dry out. But all the circumstances left him very insecure and shaken. Our finiancial status had not improved much. In fact he was better off then we were. By this time we had 2 kids. Alot of distance had taken place between my H and I over the years. When my B in law came back and moved in w/ us again this did not help our relationship. My b in law got to see things he never knew happened in our home. He saw the control that my H had over me. He would keep me from seeing my family, restricted money, and gave me nothing as far as spending money. I had been a stay at home mom for 6 years.

My H also ignored our kids. He never played with them. My/our youngest stuttered. My H would get frustrated with him and walk away because he stuttered or took him a long time to say things. When my B in law moved in he would get down and look face to face with my son and let him tell him whatever he wanted and it could take as long as it needed to. My kids loved him. He acted like their dad not their uncle. My B in law share some great memories. It was so cold one time we all had to sleep on the fold out couch. We sent the kids to my parents house where it was warm and we all froze in the livingroom. Me and my B in law would take turns at night getting up and putting wood in the stove. My H slept threw the cold and us putting wood in the stove. My B in law talked to me alot about his problems and I eventually opened up to him about mine. He could see my problems. Since he was older now I was not so much like a mother to him more like a sister. It's been that way ever since.We've gone out to eat together with out my H. If my H would have been home he could have came w/ us but he's never home and I'm almost always alone. My B in law remembered my B day when my H did not. He got me things for X Mas when my H did not. At the time I saw no harm in this. I was in a bad situation and he could relate. I guess in a way it did cause more harm to my H and I's reelationship.

I think my H still holds that against me. I had never heard of emotional infidelity. I was being a friend, a mom and a sister. We never did anything "Wrong". I never cheated on my H w/ him. I didn't have those kind of feelings towards my b in law. I did lean on him in a way I might not should have. But I was being neglected by my own H. I was in a controlling relationship w/ my own H. I needed someone to talk to and turn to and made a friendship w/ my B in law.

My H was very jealous for a long time. I think he still has lingering resentment. My Q is was this wrong. Was I unfaithful. (sex or sexual feelings) If it is emotional infidelity how do I make that up to my H. How do I make things better.

My H is still neglectfull. He still is controling. He controls who I talk to, where I go, how much $ I get. He has controll of all our accounts and everything we own is in his name. We are in T together now. I think it's helping. But the control still exists. I'm lonely alot. Please give me your opinion on this. If I was in the wrong I want to make it right. M B in law and I have nothing to do w/ ea other anymore. My H is very jealous. And my B in law has mutiple mental issues in which he takes medication for chased w/ vodka and a joint and who know what else. He is a fequent visitor to P wards and is often homeless.

Sorry this is so long. Again once things start coming out they really start coming out.

[missbelle]

No you did nothing wrong but be nice...the problem exist with the husband of yours who does not seem that great......again...YOU DID NOTHING!! Your husband has his own insecurites, and maybe taking brother-in-law in might not have been the best thing but then when you did, it was!.......again, you did nothing wrong!!

A controlling husband is difficult. I hope therapy helps. You should not be living that way. You deserve something special in life. Life is way too short!!

[Vibe]

I do believe in emotional infidelity. But I think it has more to do with developing romantic feelings with someone else and starting a romantic relationship with that person - even without the sex involved. I think you two grew close as family does, instead. Your husband is controlling and probably doesn't want anyone else in your life, so this sounds more like his problem than yours. It sounds like he'd be unhappy if you had a female close friend too.

On the other hand, I have to ask what there is to salvage with your husband. If he's never emotionally available, does not seem to want to be, and is super controlling then why take him back? Is there anything you guys have to work with? He might be acting angry and controlling just because he's getting more and more hurt. I don't think the solution is to never see his brother but to talk it out and see if you can spend more positive time with your husband. If he's not interested in doing that at the very least, then I'm not sure what there is to salvage.

[Big Mama]

Thanks for the reply's back. I feel guilty but I also know deep down inside I'm not guilty of anything. This all happened several years ago. I have not talked to my B in law for almost a year now. It's been 6 or so years since he last lived with us. I was just thinking about it and how I mentioned it to the T. It was odd that all she had to say was "Interesting". It was towards the end of the session though.

Vibe you are absolutely correct. It's his issue. I have had a close female friend and he hated her. She moved so we lost touch. But he still hates her. He hates his brother. He hates anyone who does not do things his way. No one else can have a different opinion or do things differently.

I have some issues due to previous sexual abuse and neglect. This has more of an impact on my H and I's relationship than I realized. I have been contributed my fair share of difficulties to our relationship. Before I walk away from this man I want to know I did everything in my power to make it work and to make myself availialbe to work with. Right now I'm not to open to my H. The T says I can't overcome past abuse trauma's while still being abused. So she is working w/ my H to help him see the affects of what he is doing and To see how he triggers me. But also to see in himself why he does the things he does. I have a feeling we are going to be seeing alot of the T in the coming months or years at this rate.