[kazine]

Not sure how to put this. I'm with a guy I love, and am happy with. I have no abuse memories but I think they must be there because of all the tell-tale signs I have.

I have these hypersexual thoughts that make me want to break up with him. I don't want to break up with him though, I just have these thoughts... It's like a compulsion to have reckless sex... I read an article that said making yourself available to strangers for degrading purposes is a form of sexual self injury and I think is that is happening to me. My alter Sophie gets him to rape her, which is very compulsive for her too, and watches rape porn and writes rape erotica.

A lot of the time the relationship is fine and I don't want to leave him, but it's at times like these that I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes I have in the past - I used to be unable to commit to him because of the hypersexuality/need to be reckless sexually. I've pulled away from him so I can do these stupid things that I can't really control, because the urges are so strong. I feel like such an awful person for feeling this way... Whenever I feel this way it's like I automatically pull away from him, I get really easily irritated by him, making me wanna break up with him to allow myself to be single and indulge the compulsions... It's not just me either, Sophie has her rape fantasies but she also has fantasies about having sex with older men... Sometimes these feelings are so strong that it's actually painful to resist them. I feel like such a bad person.

And the health service isn't helping, I've been trying to get treatment for depression since August 2009... The depression got worse every year, SSRIs never worked, and eventually I ended up trying my boyfriend's bipolar meds because they're sedative and I couldn't sleep one night, and I felt so wonderful, so peaceful the next day, it was a huge change that I knew I had to be on them. He got his dose increased and I started taking 50mg a night. I ended up on 300mg, told my psych that they were working very well, and she prescribed me them, and moved me up to 450mg as the 300mg dose was wearing off. Months later, the 450mg wore off, and she refused to put the dose up. She said someone my age shouldn't be on such a high dose of antipsychotics and said that they only helped me because it was a placebo (if that was the case, the SSRIs would have worked), but they help me so much. So my boyfriend, already on a dose to high for him, swapped meds with me, his 600mg for my 450mg, and now I've been fine ever since (this was February) and she still refused to put them up, so I've asked to see a new psych and hopefully they will put my dose up.

I've been waiting since my appointment with her in October for psychotherapy... The waiting list is so long... So I am going through all of this without any help and it's absolutely driving me crazy... I feel like such an awful person. How do you deal with these compulsions? Compulsions to sleep with older men, men other than your partner who you don't want to leave, compulsions on my alter's behalf of wanting to be raped and abused physically, and all the other problems I'm having... It's just too hard to go through on my own. I don't want to do something stupid and upset/lose the guy who loves me more than life itself. He's also responsible for my happiness (if I didn't have him to swap medication dosage with, I'd be in a suicidal depressive rut, or, as has happened, a state where I am extremely happy, can't sleep, have so much energy that I can't sit still, do reckless things like sleeping with people - I even managed to get myself hospitalised due to an incident where I managed to tear my insides during violent sexual activity and ended up losing so much blood that I had to have a 2 unit blood transfusion and surgery and stitches :/).

I just feel so lost so much of the time... I don't know what I want or what is just compulsions to do with my problems... :/

Kaz x

[sweathers81]

I feel for ya. I can hardly deal with myself let alone with someone else trying to get me hurt.
Do u know what's going on when sophie takes Over? R there any memories of the times?
Im sorry, i don't want to sound or be intrusive. I've just never talked to anyone that had an alter.
I wish i could give you advice, but i don't really know to much on this subject.
I just hope that you can hang on till you can see your doc. Just be careful when taking other peoples meds, they could be dangerous to you.
Wishing you the best of luck, hang in there :-)

[Big Mama]

I don't know your story. My Brother is the same way. He takes extreemly high dosages of phy. meds. Dosages that should knock most folks off there feet. It's barley enough for him. He has had heavy drug use in the past. I think in some cases this has an impact on how effective legal drugs are. My Brother has a great P doc who know his history and provides rx's reguardless of what text books say is correct. At times when he has no insurance he chases lower dosages with alcohol or other street drugs. His P doc is extreemly opposed to this but advises him as to how much alcohol with how much Rx. Or pot and sleeping pills. I'm not saying do this. But there are others out there who do understand. Have you considered an herbalist if your P doc is not willing. They can have more knowledge in how street drugs are benificial. I am not saying YEAH DRUGS by any means. I just know how my brother is and what has helped him. I don't like him using drugs and he could be easily cought and in huge trouble, but you or the holder of the Rx you are using could also be in big trouble if you ever got caught. Best of luck to you. I hope you figure out what will work best for you in the most legal way possible.

[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe you need to get your dx reevaluated.

I would also check the did forum and talk about your alter(s). They may give you better insight on Sophie and ways to cope. (A good therapist helps along with a dx so you can see a specialist.)

[Harley47]

I would chime in just to say that you are NOT a bad person. This isn't something you can be held entirely responsible for, you know? The fact you recognize this as a bad thing and want help is perhaps the most crucial step to asserting YOU in control over Sophie.

I would just say as well to be careful with self medicating like that. It can have tragic results.