My wife cheated on me!

Just found out that the mother of my children (adolescent and teenage) and wife for 22 years cheated on me about a month ago. She says it was stupid and loves me and will do anything to regain my trust. My world has ended. My heart is broken. Is this repairable? We have been best friends for a quarter century and the lies and sneaking (aside from the sex) are killing me. I want to curl up and die. The pain is unbearable. I cannot begin to think of a world without my best friend but right now, that's where I am. Someone, please, tell me there is hope. Tell me there is oxygen somewhere under this sea of pain.

Bless your heart. YES, there IS hope!! Of course you are in pain, but this is NOT the end of the world.

Your wife made a huge mistake. She betrayed you -- she did the worst thing she could do to you. But she is sorry. She SAID she will do anything to regain your trust. I hope she means that.

First the two of you need to go to counseling. Why? Because you need to find out why she found the need to cheat in the first place, and also you need to learn how to repair this marriage -- it does need repairing, big time. There IS hope, since both of you want to STAY married, correct??? You both love each other. Since you both love each other, this CAN be repaired, but YOU have to be willing (remember, I said WILLING) to forgive and FORGET. It will take time. But you will have to promise NEVER to throw that in her face again when you fight. You can NEVER to do that -- that will be off limits.

Go to therapy. That's what you need most. LISTEN to what the therapist tells you. Your wife has to earn your trust back, but YOU have some learning to do too. God bless and BEST of luck! Hugs, Lee

(((bighands)))

I am very sorry.

I can only imagine how intense the pain is for you. You and your wife have been through so many years and experiences together, the affair must be incredibly painful for you.

I would recommend going in to see a T yourself, to help yourself work through the emotions that you're struggling with. I *hope* that you and your wife are able to get through the pain together, with the help of a couple's counselor, and build a stronger marriage.

Very best wishes to you!

I'm just SOOOO angry right now. How do I get the mental pictures out of my mind or keep from spitting in her face in front of our kids? How do I go to work and keep my job to provide for my family? How do I respond when friends and family ask, "How you doing?"

I really feel like I did nothing wrong in this! I'll try to explain. Complicated story. Her affair was with an old high school female friend who has always been openly gay. In high school, there apparently was some sexual tension between them but nothing was ever done about it despite the fact that they had a very close friendship as teenagers. Only as teenagers. My wife has never had anything more than fleeting sexual fantasies about woman other than this one. We have always been very open about this. This girl is 4 or 5 years older than my wife and at the time she filled a hole (no pun intended) in my wife's life when my wife's mother had emotionally abandoned her. They were friends for a few years but the girl got into bad things, doing and selling drugs, spending time in jail, getting shot, etc, etc, etc, and eventually disappeared. Along comes social media and guess who gets reconnected from 1000 miles away 30 years later? The woman lives many states away, no job, lives with her elderly mother, supposedly drug free but drinks alot and has many mental, physical & legal issues.

Still, they become fast friends again right as my wife is having issues with her mother, again. I saw bills for hundreds of texts a day, long phone calls, always ending when I walk in the room, quick fbook shut downs, also when I walked in the room. She was VERY protective of her cell phone and never allowed me to see what she was texting or receiving and told me she deserved some privacy in her life.

My wife sees glimmers of the teenager this person once was, not the wreck of a person she now is that threatens all we have worked for. The knew with her brain that her actions were rediculous and yet even seeing it first-hand knew it was foolish but still slept with her. Twice!

Worst part of this is that I knew in my heart what was going. Who wouldn't? But, we've always been so wonderful together. Our marriage has been great and loving, open and honest even in hard times. Our kids are great and we had built a wonderful life. I repeatedly asked her over and over and over if there was anything romantic in her relationship giving her the chance to tell the truth. She promised me there was nothing going on. Soooooo, when she said she wanted to take a trip and go visit her (with my youngest child along for a "vacation"), I trusted her as always.

Despite what I saw with my eyes and heart, I trusted her. I TRUSTED HER! I refused to believe and got assurances that there was only me in her heart, much less her pants! What a loving fool I was! WHAT AN IDIOT!

Well, there was sex on the trip (with my little one asleep in the next room). There had been explicit texts and phone calls for months prior. The word "love" was used in both directions.

Am I to blame for this? Even partially? Anyone, please offer me some hint of an explanation. I need something. Help me understand this! What could I have done wrong? Be a nice guy? Maybe nice guys do finish last?

Or am I just collateral damage?

The trust was given unconditionally. The betrayal executed... was absolute.

Is not irrepairable but as she is going to have to totally end contact with this person no matter how much she cares about her. Have you guys had problems prior to this? Has she voiced concerns about feeling unimportant and misunderstood?? I am in no way excusing this behavior but in my opinion if someone is genuinely happy and fulfilled it is impossible to take them away. To me it sounds like she was trying to fill somekind of Void again like she had when she was young. You guys need to talk about things and persue counseling. Once you have done that put it in the.past and move on grow together don't keep it as a wedge between you guys or you will never be able to be whole again. My heart goes out to you and all you are dealing with.

"Am I to blame for this? Even partially? Anyone, please offer me some hint of an explanation. I need something. Help me understand this! What could I have done wrong? Be a nice guy? Maybe nice guys do finish last? "

No, no no no, you're not to blame. From what you say about your relationship before the affair then there was nothing you could've done. Please dont blame yourself for other people's actions, esp in a situation like this one. It was her choice. Same with the trust - you love her, of course you trusted her. Its again not foolish, it just shows that you are a good person.

Has your wife made sounds to want to sort this all out? If so, how do you feel like that? You're quite rightly hurting at the moment, but please dont make any decisions out of anger, just follow your head and heart for the future. I wish you all the positive vibes in the world in this difficult time.

(((Bighands))),

I am so sorry, but I can Soooo relate to how you feel right now. I can remember feeling that way myself when I had found out my husband had cheated on me with two women who slept around. Actually I could not even have him in the house I was so angry. So he went to live somewhere else for a couple of months. I could not be around him I was so angry.

I would recommend maybe you distancing until you can get a hold of the anger you are having, yes, I pictured things in my head too, for a long time. I felt so utterly violated.

However, the one thing your wife is doing now that my husband didn't do is she is telling you right away. My husband told me about 6 years after and all that time he was short tempered with me because of the guilt he was carrying. So, the fact that your wife put it right out there is not such a bad thing IMO.

I do recommend counceling so the two of you can put things on the table and work it out emotionally. You DID love her and this is definitely a test of do you love her enough to forgive her. And that IS a hard test.

There is a chance that this has nothing to do with the "sex" and cheating as you think. You say your wife has had issues with her mother. It may be that your wife never felt nurtured and loved by her mother and this woman filled that void somehow, especially being that she was older. It probably would not have even been sexual had this woman "not" been gay. I think your wife was drawn into that out of a big hole of female nurturing that her mother never provided. So in a way it was not really about cheating on you per say, it was about a void that you could have never filled for her being that you are a man. You have filled that need for a strong male presence in her life, but as I said you could not have filled that nurturing need her mother did not give her. And I think that this is what was confusing her in this relationship to begin with. She may have been wondering if she might be gay even, but my guess is that she probably got that answered, and it is no, hense her confession to you right away.

So, please, try to not take your anger to a physical level or even act it out in front of the children. Give yourself some time to allow yourself to understand this better.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

She said she would do anything to keep me and has defriended on fbook and blocked numbers on phones. But I know that if they want to touch base it still wouldn't be hard. Phones and computers at work or secret email accounts. I hate that I am thinking those things are a possibility now but I have lost all trust and would be surprised by nothing.

Strangely, we have been very happy together for the last couple years. We each had a parent pass away and leaned on each other as we each lost our "favorite" parent.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

But why didn't I forbid her from seeing this person early on when my heart knew what was going on? My heart over-ruled my brain and was broken as punishment for that mistake. I love her but even if we can get back to "normal" will I ever be the same having learned this lesson that following your heart results in pain?

She says she loves me and that she has realized that this affair was an attempt to finish the teenage fantasy that was left unfinished but how do I believe that after SO MANY LIES?

I need all the Positive vibes I can get. So, thank you so much!

I cannot say how much I appreciate all the hugs from you folks. With no friends or family I can tell this to, this is my only sounding board.

HA! Actually she didn't confess to me. I found her old, retired cell phone in her car when I was looking for my lost car keys with text messages full of trash. The phone hasn't been active for months but had a full charge. Like she was keeping it close and reviewing the messages to reminisce.c
Supposedly she had just decided to break off contact completely the day before this all came out. That's very coincidental, huh? She wasn't going to tell me since it was over and done and she didn't want to hurt me. That worked out well for me didn't it? Not!

God Bighands....I am so, so sorry. I wish I could offer you more than that.

I understand precisely what you mean by having a heart-overruled-brain. I spent the better part of the relationship with my ex denying to myself over and over again that she was cheating on me, making ANY rationalization I could to make it seem otherwise. It only serves to make it worse when the illusion is shattered.

Please know I am keeping you in my prayers, and if you need me for anything, my PM box is always open.

Well, thats the thing - what sort of marriage would it have been if you tried to forbid anyone doing anything? Not a very good one, thats what. You cant control what people do, and nor should you. You did the right thing, you treated your wife with respect, trust and kindness, that makes you a very good person - and again, its not your fault that she did this, every human being is ultimately responsible for their own actions. You shouldnt change how you are with people, there's not enough decent folk out there as it is!

As for you going back to normal if you do manage to work your way through it, well, I daresay you wont ever be back to things how they were completely, it will always be there with you. Such a betrayal would be hard to forget, but its up to you if you can overcome the pain and stay together. If you can stick with it for a while, while the rawness, pain and anger happen (quite understandable) then perhaps it would be better to make a decision about your future when you are calmer. Easier said than done, but it will get a bit clearer later, promise.

(((Bighands))),

When this happened to me, as I mentioned, I was devastated and felt so violated.
But one day I was driving my daughter somewhere and she turned to me and asked me right out if this meant mommy and daddy were going to get divorced, she was 12.
She cried and said she felt special because she was one of the very few who's parents were still married in her class.

I was also told by a psychologist that she knew my daughter was very important to me and that if I did break up my marrige it would devastate my child for years to come.

That is what made the anger get undercontrol and I thought about ALL the consequences of "my" feelings and possible decisions. Yes, I was very hurt, but I had to think about my child's feelings.

Personally I feel that considering the "children" is a very important part of any decision making. The child is something that two people commited to having and raising with love and direction to become healthy adults. So what I had to do is think about my own child and what was best for "her". And that is when I made the choice to get marriage counceling and work on my relationship with my husband.

I understand how angry you are, I have definitely been there. Just make sure that you and your wife really consider the children as well. And yes, I know that your wife was being selfish and not considering that when she cheated, so maybe you have to be the stronger one and make sure that is considered now.

If you think YOU are being betrayed? Well children feel it worse, they feel that parents don't love them when things like this happen. "Mommy and daddy didn't love me enough to fix it so I had parents and a family" that is exactly how they feel. So I hope that you and your wife DON'T argue in front of these children who do not understand all of this.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

i completely understand what u must be going through tough to believe how many cheat cases we have and wonder if people like us who has always been giving and caring merit these kind of things. guess i went through this too.
and as open eyes said we should consider our children dont want to give them a wrong perseption of marriage as they will be in that too (even if most marriages are ending in these things)
i worked back on my relationship too and it seemed to became stronger but recently hubby going back to his late nights out not necessarily with another keep i tell myself but with whom i dont know cause he doesnt seem to find it necessary to tell me. and he told me i shouldnt expect him to be with me 24hr round. so i'm stuck with a part time hubby and cant divorce cause i can already see my child suffering because we not talking since a week now.
now i'm angry that he'll be responsible for the unstable environment at home and unstability of my kid. i'll smash his head if she's hurt.
so part time hubby is out i cant stand anymore betrayal or look down.
IM NOT THE ONE WHO DID WRONG SO WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY AND WORKING ON THE RELATIONSHIP EVERYTIME WHY NOT HE???
so waiting for his next move because one week now he didnt even come to ask whats the matter.
to cut my story short and come back to you just fink well with cool head and about the kids. i know the hurt you feeling and disgust but calm down. only you will know what to do as you are the one living with her.
know that you are in my thoughts and prayers

I am sorry, but I disagree strongly with staying together for the sake of the kids. It is generally known that children learn both good and dysfunctional patterns of behavior from their parents. The question is what do kids learn from divorced parents and what do they learn from parents who sacrifice their own happiness for their children? Children are very astute really, and will pick up on the lack of love and affection between two parents. Far better to divorce and work together for the sake of the kids than to stick together and there be ill-feeling and atmostphere for every day of their young lives. Kids also adapt very well and with the 'right' divorce and reassurance for the children, and I dont think they will come to harm.

I would never stay together ONLY for the sake of the kids if everything else was lost but it sure is a big factor in the equation that I'm finding seems to change every minute.

My wife carried on an Internet affair a year ago. Like you, she didn't tell me. I found emails and chats on her open facebook accounts. One thing that someone told me that I have found helpful is to avoid reading/re-reading any texts or correspondence between the two. That killed me. I have such a good memory for words that I read that I still, a year later, am haunted by the words that I read. I even forwarded text messages to myself and continued to read them. It was torture. For some reason I thought I could figure out why it happened.

My wife and I have been togther for over 20 years. I am still at a loss as to why it happened. But our marriage is still intact, and, I think, getting stronger (despite my depression). There are some good things on www.marriagebuilders.com that I have found helpful. The site owner is certainly trying to sell his books, but there is a lot of free stuff on there too.

I really wish you well. It takes a long time to heal from this. It's been a year for me, and I didn't go through anything close to what you did. I still get angry from time to time, and am hurt more than I can imagine I would ever be. But my resolve, from day one, was to keep the marriage going.

Oh, one more thing. Tell her that if she really wants to keep things going, that she needs to completely cut off all contact with that woman. It took my wife about 6 months to stop contact. We've been communicating better since then.

I think you and riotgrrl misunderstand me. I am not saying to "stay together" just for the children. I am talking about recognizing that children 'CAN" feel the tension going on, and they "DO" think that parents don't "love them enough to work things out". I have talked to enough of them to hear them say that and I also had heard it from a professional psychologist.

I understand your pain, I have been there myself and like you I was sooo hurt and angry. But I did seek therapy and marriage counceling.
I considered the whole picture and not just my own anger and hurt.
It was a very difficult time in my life and I still carry hurt from that experience to this day.

The truth is that children are going to be affected either way. It is just important to consider all the consequences from here on in this issue.
So it is important to get therapy for this. At least make the effort to find a way for both you and your wife to figure this all out and find out if this can somehow be resolved or if a divorce is the solution.

It can be a dammed if you do and dammed if you dont situation. And no, it is not good to stick together if the children are going to be subject to ongoing tensions and resentment either. It is a very challenging situation.

Often what can happen is that parents go their separate ways, continue to hold hurt and resentment and the children can be put in the middle "Tell your mother this, tell your dad this" and they absoultely should not have to take that position in YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE. And it is so easy for parents to end up doing that not realizing what they are asking of their children.

Divorce happens, parents make mistakes, and sometimes they can forget that mistakes hurt everyone in the family. But by making efforts to get help and to see what can be done in an Adult way, teaches children to seek help as well when they struggle. And children DO hold in their sense of stress when something like this happens and they hide it, not feeling that it is OK to talk to their parents. They really get very confused and feel abandoned in ways many parents don't think to notice.

I completely understand your pain, I have gone through it as I mentioned.

Open Eyes

As much as you felt you were best friends and the marriage was great, there obviously were some problems. I have trouble with the privacy thing, both her feeling she needed to protect and your wanting to know (thinking about it at all) and yet not knowing. It sounds like communication was not open in your relationship and I would work on that if I wanted to save the marriage. It is my experience that secrets in relationship tend to grow toxic mold; true trust and communication are like sunshine and keep the mold at bay.

Thank you so much for the link! I really need resources and people with experience. My wife has been seeing a therapist for 6 months (coincidentally(?), the same duration as the affair and in my mind to help her deal with this guilt although she swears it is to deal with her relationship with her mother) and couples counseling right now would add even more financial burden. I know I'll/we'll need it eventually though.

FWIW, my wife has sworn to cut off contact and gave me phone numbers so we could block calls and texts. The numbers matched the ones I found on the phone bill. Of course I had to verify that she didn't give me phony numbers since I have no trust right now but at least they matched. I told her that was step 1 of 2 million to her regaining my trust and staying in the house.

I think we're on the same page. Thanks!

Really perna, we had shared everything, EVERYTHING, for 25 years until this. That's exactly what makes me feel so sad and betrayed. That she couldn't be honest about her feelings even when I basically told her exactly what it looked like was going on. She still felt the need to lie, go behind my back and sneak around. For years, we shared the most intimate, angry, ugly, etc, etc, etc, secret details of each others lives without judgement. Only support. But this, she withheld. And you're right, of course, it became toxic.

Maybe she could have had some other close friend in her life. Someone to be able to share something about me with. We all would be better to have someone in our lives like that. But seriously, considering the circumstances, how many people have a friend close enough that they are comfortable enough to tell that they are thinking about cheating on their spouse and risking their wonderful family to be with someone of the same sex who has huge known, overt dysfunctional issues?

The only person in her life close to fitting that description would have been her therapist and she was not totally honest with her either.

That's why I feel like collateral damage and get into the self-pity of "why me".

OMG! I just did some reading on sexually transmitted diseases during lesbian sex and now I want to vomit. This just keeps getting better. Oh well, testing mandatory. Lovely.

Bighands, I get the feeling that your anger is in this more than your wish to save the marriage? Your telling your wife that she was on step 1 out of 2 million; really encouraging? Did following through on that thought of yours and saying it aloud make you feel better? I doubt it did your wife. Now you are reading about cr(l)ap on the internet and deciding to treat your wife as if she has cooties whether she does or not, etc. Were you concerned, I would ask her if she has been tested or felt the need for testing for her own health!

I get that you are very angry but what you feel and how you act are two different things! Right now it appears you are just acting out, trying to belittle and punish rather than work to get back together? When your wife said she'd do "anything" I hope she was not agreeing to put up with emotional and psychological abuse from you. Your wife acted in a way that hurt you; she and you cannot change that! But how you feel and how you act is your responsibility and dumping on her isn't going to help you get what you say you want? I would get in therapy for myself, work some of the anger through there and see what I could do to be a better man/husband or I'd say, "screw this" and separate.

Big hands; im so sorry you are going through this, i can only imagine how hard this can be. Ive been cheated on by someone i didnt care about 1/2 as much as you care about your wife and it scarred me. 10 years later and i still have trust issues in new relationships. I hope you find the answers and peace of mind you are looking for. Honestly couples councelling will do a great deal for you two. Perhaps her therapist would be willing to meet with the both of you once a month, or something? My t has offered this with me and my fiance as i have severe trust issues.

Std testing is a good idea as cheating with a man or woman can lead to stds but at some point, you are going to have to let go of that anger, push the thoughts out of your mind and start to trust her if you want the marriage to work. I know its fresh and new and you have every right to be angry but its going to take work from both of you to rebuild, a therapist can lead you in the right direction