[Douge489]

Too emotionally/physically drained to type out massive paragraphs here, so please bear with me.

My fiancée of 7 years (engaged 3 years) screwed me and not in the good way.

Started with texting a guy whom she used to work with. She obviously hid it along with deleting the texts. Swore nothing bad, she just hid it because she believes Im a jealous person.

She randomly, out of no where, admits that shes been flirting "innocently" with someone online.

I find a convo of not so innocent things.

I give her the option of coming clean with anything else. She waits 2 days to tell me she sent a nude photo of herself to this guy.

At this point, she has completely destroyed any form of electronic communication to prove to me that she is serious about us.

I love her, I truly truly do. I've been cheated on in the past but those relationships ended easily because there was no time invested or weren't serious relationships.

Im just not sure how or if I can get passed it. Yes, it wasnt physical - only emotional, or so she says.

Tips, words of wisdom for someone lost in this sea of pain and suffering?

[Leed]

Well ---hmmm. You've been together for 7 yrs. and engaged for 3. And she sends nude photos to a former co-worker. It kind of makes you wonder if they had something going back then.

Are you sure she's as commited to this relationship as you are? I would wonder, after this. She seems to have a "crush" on this guy if she's sending nude photos of herself to him.

Why have you been engaged so long. Who is holding out?

I would suggest couples counseling now. I think it would be a good idea, for both of you. It might help determine how commited she is, and it would help YOU get past this trust issue. She's also going to have to work to earn your trust back IF she's commited.

Best of luck and God bless! I wish you well. Hugs, Lee

[Confusedinomicon]

Leed, just because someone has a long engagement/dates for a long period of time does not mean they are a cheater the whole relationship. It's not cool that you're implying that.

I agree with Leed on the couples counseling though. That may help you determine if the relationship is salvageable.

[IceCreamKid]

I believe we are able to trust people to be true to themselves; you've been with this woman for 7 years and she is carrying on with someone else. Is this out of character for her? Or is it part of her natural makeup? Some people attach themselves to very out-going flirtacious people and then become upset when those same people continue to be outgoing and flirtacious--when that is one of the very qualities that attracted them to their partner! So maybe it will help you to decide if your fiancee was just a little bored and got swayed by someone over the internet; or if she has always been a bit of a risk taker and she didn't think it was that big a deal. Then balance that answer against what you think is a big deal. Personally, this would be a deal-breaker for me. But maybe it isn't for you. I'll also point out the obvious and note that the internet is crawling with opportunists looking to get whatever they can from other people; for all you know your fiancee ran across one who was looking for nude photos. I hope this helps.

[Jan1212]

May be she is not getting "the rush" or there is no spark in this relationship; her needs are not being met. It takes an honest person to admit a guilt and she had told you. She could be insecure and might like more positive attention (like going out to dinner)

She feels she cannot express herself openly in front of you because you don't trust her in the first place (she believes you're the jealous type) But I get why you can't trust a person easily. you've been cheated on in the past. This is something you have to work on for yourself or it could jeopardize every relationship

Find out root of the issue of what is going on, why she is acting like this? Does she have anything to say about the relationship? Are you listening to her, what can be improved hows the communication. What is her point-of-view? You both can work it out, or quit and leave

I don't know you, your fiance, or the whole situation, the last thing I want is to tell you what to do, it's up to you, let us know how it goes

[Douge489]

@ LEED
Financial/Living/Family situation is what WAS holding us back.

@ ICECREAMKID
Totally out of character for her, or I guess I can only assume that at this point. She always expressed it that she has(had, since she can send a pic of herself out) self esteem issues. She was never flirty through out the entirety of the relationship up until now. But I guess I cant even say that, as now, I have no idea what she has been up to all these years.

@JAN1212
I have an odd way to go about things. When it comes to trust/respect(regardless of relationship type: work, personal, friends), for what ever reason I give it before its earned. I trusted her from the start, like I have in any other relationship I've had.

She wants to work it out, as do I. But I don't know if there is anyway I would ever feel the way I did before this all went down. Her touch, her kiss, her words - Im afraid that they will never mean or feel the same as they used to.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with going to couples counseling. I think that's the best advice any one can really offer right now... I have never been in your situation and I"m very sorry about what has happened. I did just want to point out, though, that just because she sent nude photos does not mean her self esteem is high. She could have been looking for validation or an ego boost in sending them out. I don't think that in anyway excuses her behavior, but I just wanted to say that I think sending them out could be a sign of how low her self esteem actually is.

Do you guys have any firm plans for a wedding right now? If you do, I'd suggest postponing it. Something you could also consider doing is if you can find a place where you can both have separate therapists, but all four of you meet together a few times a month, that might help you both out, to work on yourselves and to work on your relationship, but at the same time, you always have someone in your corner. (My group facilitator recommended this).

Good luck. Sending lots of safe, warm thoughts your way.

[Perna]

I do not know how old you all are but the 7 year/3 year thing bothers me. I would think one would know another (both parties) and themselves well enough by then that if this sort of thing happened, it would be a not-good precursor to what the married/"life" relationship could be like. If she does not know you well enough by now to know if you are the jealous type or not or if you are the jealous type, still, and she's getting into "flirting" with other men, etc., the whole 7/3 period does not seem to have been put to good use?

When one is at work, someone who enjoys and is into their career doesn't have time to gab at the water cooler and if a relationship is important to one, one is committed to it and doesn't have time/interest in flirting? What is her life addressing that she is spending her time this way? I don't know how you found she was texting the former coworker (and deleting stuff) but it does not sound like there was any communication or trust going on there in the first place on either side. Knowing someone else is texting a former male coworker and "letting" them is not showing trust.

My husband has former high school girlfriends coming out of the woodwork and does not know what to do with them; turns them over to me to communicate with as he has nothing in common with them anymore, no interest. It's nice to "remember" but there's only so much of that one can do; the only way there can be flirting and deleted texts, etc. is through continued effort. Theoretically, everyone has moved on in their lives so the reason for the friendship/relationship is no longer there (they don't work together); they have to make something happen if they want it to after "remember when. . .".

I would rethink my life, whether I wanted to work with this particular person to build a life together, if I thought they would make a good partner for me. Love is not enough. Physical/chemical attraction, proximity, and similar interests is often mistaken for love. A relationship takes more than that and I don't see any great commitment here.

[Odee]

If she hasn't cheated on you physically, then perhaps there's no indication that she is truly seeking a different relationship or to meet needs that she isn't getting from you. If she has had self esteem issues in the past, it could really be that she is flirting because she enjoys the compliments, attention, and feeling desired. I think when it comes to online communication, it's a lot more impersonal and easier for her to feel like she's not cheating, just flirting. If you think of it, flirting online is a lot like interactive porn...

Doesn't make it right, but it also means that she may have never felt less dedicated to you at any time when she was flirting with others. I would say to trust her and see where things go. Tell her what you are uncomfortable with and she needs to respect those limitations.