[hockeyfan]

Hi,
I am a nineteen year old daughter to two parents who support me in every way... But I honestly feel like running away because me and my mom fight all the time... The main reason is because she doesn't want to listen to anything I say. what ends up happening is that we end up in a huge fight where she runs to my dad and complains to him that I'm rude. I know I am rude but I can't help raising my voice because I am always really desperate to get my point across to her. She admits to the fact that even at this age, with her being 43, I am more Mature than her. she told me this herself but even then she doesn't want o listen to me and always assume the wrong things and start up a fight. for example. last night we were talking about my room. i am leaving for vacations next month and my room was littered with my clothes (that I need to pack). I told her that I will do it because I work 7 hours a day and i come home extremely exhausted. I told here I'd do it and somewhere in there she didn't hear me. Then she asked me to do a few chores and I told her that my brother was supposed to do it. By this time, i couldn't even get up off the couch because I was so tired... I got in trouble from my dad because I don't do what I'm told... All my dad does is work on his computer... Two nights ago I made dinner... he couldn't even bother throwing away the leftover food on his plate, put it on the counter and left. I feel like pulling my hair out, or just jumpin of a cliff because I have been dealing with this for 5 years now. In all those years I have never consulted for help, but this time I think i really need someone to help me out. This happened last night and I can guarantee than when i get home from work, they will sit me down and bring me down to the floor with their words and the just squash me like a bug.

I tried to talk to her numerous times. I asked her to please just take a few moments to listen. I've been trying to listen to her and trying to get her to listen for i think about 5 years now. Hasn't worked. She's stubborn and i admit I am stubborn too but when I'm accused of something I didn't do. I will not apologize I'm sorry i refuse.

I am sorry this is happening ... I wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you.

When you write "support me in every way"...do you mean financially? (it doesn't so sound, though, like much support in the emotional dept).

My mother and I did not get along - at all - either. And my father was at his practice all day long so he didn't see first hand what was happening. He would only hear about it from different pov's.

I tried, actually pleaded, with him for help and confided in him often, but he didn't want to get in the middle, so he did absolutely nothing.

*Do you have a T that you can speak with? It is important that you learn to live for yourself and learn how to support yourself emotionally (once you do, the fighting will just about stop because you won't feel it's necessary).

My mother would use finances as leverage to get what she wanted...I had no support if I refused to do what she wanted. And if we were not getting along, she would punish me by cutting me off ... and invalidating me. I was thoroughly dependent (and she loved having that power and control over me).

I had NO IDEA how to think for myself or support myself emotionally because my mother's priorities were so screwed up...she values materials things and appearances far and above over emotional well-being. (actually she equates money with emotional well-being).

I would really encourage you to seek support via other (healthier) means now, so you can grow and live a lovely, healthy life.

(I know some people will say you are a grown-up now (since you are over 18), and if you don't like it or aren't happy just move out, but I do not subscribe to that theory. I know first hand if you don't know how to take care of yourself and haven't a well-rounded, solid foundation and a realistic outlook of life, it isn't going to be pretty out there)

Rose

[shezbut]

(((hockeyfan)))

Perhaps you should try talking with your mom via a mediator ~ a person who isn't "more involved" with either side, so they have more sensible opinion/s and judgment.

It isn't unusual for a mother/daughter to struggle, as the daughter is coming into her own sense and opinions on life. I assume that it can be difficult for a mom to accept those different opinions, especially when the daughter holds onto them tightly. That tension is pretty common. Unfortunately.

The trick is coming up with better, healthier ways of talking with your mom. Part of you may be really irritated that you have to be SO adult, while she acts like a little kid! But, that's the way that it is sometimes. You just accept that, and don't expect more out of her. Maybe getting expectations of you agreed upon, and written down in public will help you both to refer to.

Your dad being lazy and not cleaning up after himself isn't real uncommon either. My father is/was the same way. I'd be chomping at the bit to chew my parents out ~ for being lazy, and worse, but I also needed to keep my frustration inside for a bit & then go for a hard workout ~ to release some of my pent up energy. That helped a lot!

Hopefully, coming up with some realistic expectations will help you out a lot. Just a checklist to refer to & slowly begin spending less time there. Spending more time studying with a group, working, and slowly developing your own adult life ~ that does help a lot.

[Leed]

I have to agree that trying to spend as much tiime away from home is probably better so there isn't as much chance of fighting.

BUT -- I have a 16 yr old at home, and it just seems to be the "nature of the beast" for teenagers to be rude. I'm NOT pointing a finger at you, but teens seem to learn from other teens to just plain be rude. They're rude to teachers, other elders and rude to parents. Now ADMIT it. I can be smiling & happy, and ask my 16yr old to PLEASE do something, and I get this nasty rude grunt, with eyes rolling and a nasty look and stomping off -- and I want to KILL her. She gets an allowance and do you think she does her chores without being prodded?? She'll do them ALL on the DAY she's supposed to get her allowance. Then she'll come to me with her hand out. When asked a perfectly normal question, she looks at me like I'm accusing her of something and rudely say "What?"
Does THIS sound familiar to YOU? ANY of it? OH -- and my 16yr old's room is always a mess too.

Now as far as your parents supporting you in every way -- and the lack of communication --- are you going about it the right way? I'm NOT accusing, please believe that. Okay?

Why not ask Mom if you and she can sit down and have a talk. Take her in your room and sit down, and just have a talk. Tell her what's been bothering you. My 16yr old and I have done that many times. When I see that she is upset, or something it upsetting her, I drag her into her room, and we sit down on the bed and TALK. She WILL open up -- and we have a good talk. It does make a difference and we get things leveled out and solved for the time being until something else comes up. Since you're more mature than your Mom, hopefully SHE will open up. LOL

It might not work, but just don't be rude -- and maybe she won't be either. It might help the two of you develop some kind of understanding and open the lines of communication. Then maybe again it might not, but it's worth a try. I wish you the very best!!! Please take care of yourself --- God bless you sweetie, and take care. And let us know how you're doing, okay??? Hugs, Lee

I have to agree with the above post. There is something to being a teenager that just comes across to the world as rude. It's amazing the ways in which your thoughts, actions, beliefs, everything will change for you in a matter of like the next five years or so. Again, I would also like to be clear that I am not judging you or blaming you in your particular situation, but you get and see out of the world exactly what you put into....with some 'wildcard extras'. I'm not looking at this from a parental pov either. I am 25, and going wwaaayyy too fast on 30, lol. To be very honest I had a terrible relationship with my mother as a child and teenager. I lived with her the first 15 yrs. of my life until my parents got divorced and I chose to live with my dad.

My mother was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me as a child. My father worked all the time so I didn't spend a whole lot of time with him either. As a teen, 10-15, I contemplated several times and even attempted once, but got caught by my dad, to run away from home. I'm so very thankful now that I didn't. I had visitation with my mother, who immediately remarried a religious hypocrite, who just "LOVES ME" since his new stepdaughter is openly lesbian...NOT. It was horrid. At 18, I finally got the cahunas to tell my mother off. I mean I told her what she had done to me was wrong. I told her husband that he was an idiot for marrying my mother because he didn't know her as well as I do. All in a not so nice, screaming, cussing, all out fit. I idolized my dad at the time. He may not have been around much or enough to protect me from my mother, but it was because he was working all the time to provide for his family.

Flash forward almost 8 yrs. later. I haven't forgotten what my childhood was like and the damage, I've come to realize, is permanent. But I've come to realize that my father is actually an arrogant selfish person, who is terrible at financial matters. My mother and I are closer than close, she is my best friend. I've come to know that I'm an adult and she can't hurt me anymore. And the kicker that really changed things between my mom and me was that her husband made her talk to her, well tricked her into talking to his doctor. She was diagnosed manic depressive with severe ocd. My mom was sick. Seeing her on meds I now know that my mom could have been a different person, but my dad was against her getting help from a 'crazy doc'. I still haven't told him about myself getting put back on meds. I don't want to hear his lecture.

My point being: You said you are 19, living with your parents. It's not running away, it's moving out. If you feel that you are so very mature, then go live your adult life, warning: it will completely change your perspective on life and the people in it. Or, have a mature conversation with your mom about your concerns. This means not being rude or defensive. Oh yeah, you also have to listen to and consider what is being said to you. Work through your problems together. Or maybe, your mom has her own stressful issues in life, which could be getting taken out, unfairly on you. Which if you talk to your mom without being rude and confrontational but she still is rude to you, you might ask if something is bothering her lately. That she is getting upset even when there is no reason, then listen....it could be an eye opener.

Life is short and chaotic, just try to relax and enjoy the show.

Peace be with you.