Angry Marriage

I have been with my wife for three years and married for two. I am a 25 year old male who is enlisted in the Marine Corps and have been enlisted for the entire time that i have known my wife. We have a ten week old daughter.

I have an anger problem and i am not happy with the current status of my life. I have not really been that happy since the day after our marriage. The reason I am speaking about this problem now is because i am nervous that i may lose control. My daughter is here and i love her but the extra responsibilities that came with her have not helped me very much.

After we go married, my wife changed. On our honeymoon she only left the room to go three shows on the cruise and to attend the extra stuff we signed up for while on shore.

This wasn't the women i knew before we said our vows. She would go and be social and we would leave the house frequently. After we got married getting her to do the things we used to do was like a chore or a fight and i grew angry with this. I would try and go do things and she would act all dejected and hurt. At first i tried to understand and assist her with the social anxiety that she hid from me before we got married, but soon i found that i couldn't enjoy myself if i went out alone because without trying to she would make me feel guilty. She didn't press me not to spend time with people, but she isn't good at hiding her emotions
either.

The other thing is that when i come home from a 12 hour day there are more chores for me to do. Its not that i have to do them, its that it makes me uncomfortable to see a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes that have accumulated from the days that she spends at home with our child. She says the baby consumes all her time, but this is behavior that has been happening since before we got married. SHe tells me time and time again, i'll do it later, or i was tired and will take care of it. After a few days i take care of it and she tells me i didnt have to do it.

I am no saint. These examples are some of the things that are wrong cause me great anguish and resentment towards my wife. I tense up and grind my teeth when she tells me she will do it later or that i dont have to do it. I dont feel like i am in a partnership as much as iam taking care of someone.

I need assistance with articulating my feelings and figuring out if there is hope for us. She thinks I'm going to leave her, and the possibility is there but only after i have exhausted all my resources. I just want to be happy again.

I'm glad you came to us before you just threw in the towel. It shows you're willing to work on your marriage, and obviously you love your wife and baby.

Your wife obviously has an anxiety problem and possibly some depression as well, and she definitely needs to see a therapist. She could also have post-partum depression from having the baby. Do you live on base? I would assume that you have a psychologist available to you to hep with problems like this. Please see to it that she can talk with him and get some of these issues taken care of. MAKE her go, as she really needs some help. And after she has seen the therapist a few times or more, perhaps the therapist will want to see both of you.

I'm glad you're willing to work on this and not just leave her. Thanks for coming here. You're a really good guy and I KNOW you're frustrated with how things are right now, but please try to be patient while she's going thru therapy. Hopefully things will begin to change quickly as she sees that she doesn't have to live like this any longer. SHE is miserable too, and she can't help it.

BEst of luck to you both --- will you please keep us posted? God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi Mercury,

I am sorry to hear that your wife has been acting so frustrating to you for a long time.

I do agree with Leed on many points mentioned, including her seeking out emotional help NOW and encouragement to you for not leaving. Having a baby is completely exhausting, and many couples struggle with the changes in their lives for a while afterward. It isn't easy to have kids. It can be very rewarding in one moment and seemingly seconds later, so frustrating! Do try to give each other breaks with your baby.

For example, you take your daughter for a stroll around a park or mall (while your wife naps, showers, cleans, whatever she wants). A little while later, she can do the same for you (to give you time to just do whatever you want). Things like that go a long way in the marriage. As your daughter becomes older, she'll become more playful and breaks away can be a little longer. Hopefully, you and your wife will enjoy doing these things together again soon.

Just try to give your wife some time to adjust to being a mommy; work towards becoming more sociable (or less fearful); and work together towards making a more solid commitment.

Very best wishes sent to you & your family.