[mojave_rose8]

About a month ago, I was visiting my neighbor / friend, and we got to talking, and he offered to let me come over twice a week and help him with odd jobs around the house (mostly cleaning) and he would pay me @15/hour. He is older, and lives alone, so I figured we would both benefit – I need the money, he needs the help.

The first couple of times, everything was great. I came over, did some work, and he paid me. But then, in the several times since, he has either cancelled or when I came over, said, “Oh, today isn’t a good day.”

I know he is a little scattered, but it’s kinda annoying me. It happened again Tues, and so I sent him an email, basically saying, “If you don’t want / need my help, let me know – you won’t hurt my feelings.” And it’s been almost five days and no response. (I know he is OK because he goes to work every day.)

I am not going over again until I hear from him, but I am scared he is mad at me. I don’t know why he would be mad at me, but why else would he not get back to me? Any ideas??

[whatbeanbelieved]

Hi there... I'm really hoping this doesn't sound harsh to you, because my intention is really not to diminish what you're feeling. I would however like to contextualise it a little...

There are about a hundred reasons he could have for not getting back to you, other than him being mad at you. Possibly, he's awkward, or he's busy, or he's having a tough time with something else. That he is mad at you is one possibility that is now, in your mind, a story that is clearly causing some anxiety. To me it seems as though when you do not hear from him, you feel anxious and stressed, and would really like some communication?

Now, you've already written to him and asked him to let you know. So I would really suggest that you acknowledge that you're feeling annoyed and anxious, and look at your need for communication (just,... accept that you need this, and accept also that it's, regrettably, not happening) and let it go.

Also: If he's mad at you, he's an adult and can communicate it. If he does not, that's his choice too. You've done nothing wrong. In fact, you tried to communicate with him. So there - you've done all you could. Now just... let it go.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. Hope everything works out.

Love and hugs!

[mojave_rose8]

Originally Posted by whatbeanbelieved

Hi there... I'm really hoping this doesn't sound harsh to you, because my intention is really not to diminish what you're feeling. I would however like to contextualise it a little...

There are about a hundred reasons he could have for not getting back to you, other than him being mad at you. Possibly, he's awkward, or he's busy, or he's having a tough time with something else. That he is mad at you is one possibility that is now, in your mind, a story that is clearly causing some anxiety. To me it seems as though when you do not hear from him, you feel anxious and stressed, and would really like some communication?

Now, you've already written to him and asked him to let you know. So I would really suggest that you acknowledge that you're feeling annoyed and anxious, and look at your need for communication (just,... accept that you need this, and accept also that it's, regrettably, not happening) and let it go.

Also: If he's mad at you, he's an adult and can communicate it. If he does not, that's his choice too. You've done nothing wrong. In fact, you tried to communicate with him. So there - you've done all you could. Now just... let it go.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. Hope everything works out.

Love and hugs!

No, it doesn't sound harsh. I realize that I want him to contact me because I miss him.

[whatbeanbelieved]

Ahhh! So that's a whole other thing then... You're longing for some contact and you miss him. I'm glad that that's clearer. Maybe if a week or so goes by and he doesn't get back to you, you could tell him as much? Something like "I'm really missing our connection and I hope we can talk whenever you're up for it." or something? How does that sound to you?

[mojave_rose8]

Originally Posted by whatbeanbelieved

Ahhh! So that's a whole other thing then... You're longing for some contact and you miss him. I'm glad that that's clearer. Maybe if a week or so goes by and he doesn't get back to you, you could tell him as much? Something like "I'm really missing our connection and I hope we can talk whenever you're up for it." or something? How does that sound to you?

That sounds good.

Relationships are not as cut-and-dry for me as they are for many other people. It seems.

[whatbeanbelieved]

I don't think relationships are cut and dry at all. They're awesomely messy. I really hope it works out for you. Keep us updated! Take care and have a cookie (in the face of relationships, we eat cookies!)

I have experience with this mojave. I often become morose and over-analytical when I think someone may be 'mad' at me. I agree with whatbeanbelieved, if he is 'mad' it is his problem and not yours. You've opened the lines of communication and now it is up to him to communicate or not. I also don't mean to sound offensive. I just know that when I feel someone is mad at me, I make it much of my own problem, when it is none of my problem at all. If I've done something to offend someone, that is a different story, but the ball is in his court. Perhaps try to work on acceptance? This is not always easy, but it can bring peace of mind.

Best wishes to you.