A glimmer of hope, hope I don't regret it

Anyone who has been following things as they unfold with my husband and I know I have been in my own personal hell. I have been doing marriage T w/ my H and I was not certain things were going to good. He missed the last 3 visits we had together but I went with out him. (He didn't intentionally miss them) It gave me a much needed opportunity to let the T see what was really going on in our marriage. She was concerned about just how close to abusive this relationship is. We talked about my opinion on divorce and how she helps folks to see things more clearly, not that she condones divorce, or encourages it anyway but she was not so sure about this marriage.. With abuse and unwillingness to change and accept responsibility there was huge questions about how to proceed.

One week later we met w/ her again, tonight. She filled my H in on her opinion of divorce and that she didn't want us wasting our money and our time and hers as well. It appeared to her that divorce was a very real option and that if that was something we wanted to steer away from the decision had to be made very soon because we are a couple in crisis and it is not a healthy environment for us or for our kids.

Something remarkable happened, My H was shocked that this is what it came down to. He couldn't believe the reality of what she had just said. He said he wanted to change, he was sorry for the past unhappiness he had caused, his jealousy, his need for perfection and he would try to change things. This gave me a glimmer of hope. I felt like he was genuine in his apology. I think the T thought it was genuine as well. I think my H does want to salvage things.

The T doesn't want him intimidating me. If he has an issue w/ me that needs intimidation we need to call her and get her soonest appointment. She wants us to not point fingers at one another anymore only in her office is that allowed. What ever issues I have w/ him and being afraid to bring up things needs to stop. I can be afraid but it needs to be brought to her attention. (I am afraid to say anything to cause him to be angry w/ me) So if I need money and I know that is a sore subject then I need to wait and bring that up in her office so it will be a safe place to do so. If he does something to hurt my feelings rather then tell him and argue w/ him I should wait and bring that up in her office or if I bring it up after the fact, she has to be aware of what is going on. I cannot go on being afraid of him. I need to learn that it is ok to not agree and give in to everything he wants. He needs to learn how to get his point across in a different way other then fear and intimidation.

We both agreed to do these things and see where this takes us. It scares me to think that I may trust this man again. I want to, I really do but I am afraid of being hurt emotionally again by him. I don't know if I can handle that. I suppose I'll just have to put my faith in the Lord first, and in the T next to keep this intact and to learn to feel and take a the risk of being hurt AGAIN. I'm just afraid to try and to trust. I just need somewhere safe to let that fear out.